Joy Crawford
The Jamaica Observer

Monday, June 27, 2005

Is infidelity only about sex? Is it different between the sexes? Are men unfaithful for different reasons than women are?

Men and women view infidelity differently. For women, infidelity is usually a life-long thing. They take it personally and, often, their relationship is irrevocably harmed by the knowledge that their man has been unfaithful. Men, on the other hand, view so-called infidelity as no big thing. As my good friend Dr Aggrey Irons explained many years ago, men perceive it as fidelity versus loyalty.

A man can be unfaithful by sleeping with fifty or even a hundred other woman but the problem arises when he is disloyal, meaning he is ready to make a commitment to another woman. In fact, to take this theory to its natural conclusion, a woman is in a better position if a man has several dalliances with faceless women than if he has one steady other woman with whom he spends all his time and lavishes her with trinkets.

When I was younger, I used to literally die at the thought that my man could ever, ever want to stray, much less do so. Eventually I realised that what men do with their bodies is recreational. I cannot say that I like it, but I have learnt to understand it. However, I certainly don’t want to know about it. It is not so much a fool’s paradise as much as acceptance of the things that one cannot change. As a result, I have embraced the Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.”
It seems that, since time immemorial, women have had to endure infidelity. Our Victorian predecessors openly embraced their husbands having bed wenches because it gave them a break from the rigours of sex. Our eastern counterparts are resigned to be one of many wives. They have accepted what is.

But why do people stray? Men do it maybe because it is expected of them. Some view monogamy as an unnatural phenomenon and feel very little remorse about sampling other fare. They want variety. They want to constantly feel desired and desirable, even if they have paunches and receding hairlines.

Men are having it good now. In fact, Levitra, Cialis and Viagra are doing booming business. Men have acquired a new lease on life. For them, there is indeed life after impotence.

So men will see a nubile, young thing and simply rise to the occasion. They are not, at that time, thinking about how much they love their wife or woman. In fact, if one were to take the time to ask them, one would find that they do love their wives.
Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is merely raging hormones and male pride, misplaced as that might be.
A man is able to love his wife and still find the time and energy to service another woman. It is simply business, no tugging at the heart-strings. For a man, infidelity is usually only about sex, hence Aggrey’s theory about fidelity and loyalty. (I am, however, not for one moment, saying that some men don’t stray when their relationship has problems, like the wife not wanting to have sex.)

As women, we may not like it but we have to learn to try and cope with it, since we can’t accept it. And I do not subscribe to the philosophy that two can play. This tit-for-tat business has never worked, but it all depends on what you, as a woman, are looking for.

Women, on the other hand, are unfaithful because they are usually hurt and looking for companionship. The average man who plays usually makes the mistake of not doing his homework. He neglects his wife.

He is usually so absorbed in his sexual callisthenics that he has nothing left for home. That causes a strain because his woman will, invariably, pick up on something and the closeness they once shared is severely compromised to the point that she will find comfort elsewhere, often by just confiding in one of the opposite sex, and, voila, an affair begins. The thing about it is that very few women can just have sex with a man. When the average woman has sex, the man is usually getting everything she has.

Far too many men lose women they never planned to lose to another man because they don’t get it. When a woman is unfaithful, her emotional being is usually engulfed with the other man. There are so many men who play the field and have friends keeping their wife company only to realise that those friends take over.

When will we ever learn? Perhaps never; but women need to take control of their emotional lives and try to understand their men better, for like it or not, they are all we have. We can’t live without them, or can we?

Joy Crawford is an attorney-at-law.

Fri, June 24, 2005
By JOANNE RICHARD, TORONTO SUN

DOES HE LOOK at other cheating men disapprovingly?

Does he reassure you, “I’d never do that?”

Is he getting distant, critical, and secretive about money? How about giving you expensive gifts unexpectedly?

Well, he’s probably cheating.

Statistics show that a surprising proportion of men — 35% — cheat on their wives, and authors Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, contend that every unfaithful husband exhibits the same signs along the way.

In fact, cheaters follow the exact same script — which is the name of their new book: The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Thing Men Do When They Cheat (Hyperion, 2005).

“It’s the same words and actions every time … almost always in the same order,” says Mainzer, who along with Landers interviewed hundreds of women across the country, and heard the same lines over and over again.

Mandy D. of Etobicoke can attest to the predictability: Her husband of 11 years had an affair with a colleague during which he was guilty of many of the common red flags, including telling her that she was “useless, crazy and didn’t contribute enough. He told me I didn’t have enough ambition or drive. He became militant, derogatory and emotionally void,” says Mandy, who does not want her real name used.

Her husband was out late every night using his sales job as an excuse and constantly putting her down when it came to appearance, the children and the house. “I couldn’t do anything right.”

When she’d confront him, he’d tell her she had the problem and should see a psychiatrist.

It’s all in the cheating man’s script.

“They’re ridiculously predictable — scary common what men do when they’re cheating. I’ve talked to so many other women, and their husband all did the same things,” says Mandy, mother of three, who has stayed with her husband but they still struggle with the fallout of his infidelity.

“Every woman who experiences an unfaithful husband feels confused and baffled by his contradictory statements and behaviour. She starts to believe that she really must be crazy, unappealing, selfish, and unloving, just as her husband says,” says Mainzer, who’s been divorced for 15 years and lives in Idaho.

But it’s just all part of the Script, they say.

The Script is a wakeup call to women everywhere, says Mainzer — their month-old book spells out the red flags of infidelity in order that women can take action and turn the tide of disaster before it’s too late. They’re out to interrupt the script early on and revise the ending to a happy one.

The authors believe it’s important to recognize the pattern, fix what’s broken in the relationship and put an end to divorce everywhere. “You get cheated out of social status, financial status and your family gets cheated — it get ripped apart. And children undergo very difficult struggles.”

According to Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, the fall-out is enormous, like an emotional nervous breakdown that rocks a marriage to its very core — “it takes years to built the trust and for sexual healing to occur.”

Through her extensive work in infidelity, she believes 70% of men cheat — “one partner in 80% of marriages have an affair,” says Eaker Weil, author of Adultery, The Forgivable Sin (Hudson House) and most recently Can You Cure and Forgive Adultery (Infinity Press).

According to Eaker Weil, a New York therapist who specializes in working with couples who want to overcome the devastating effects of betrayal, “an affair is a cry for help. It’s an inability for one partner to get close so they seek to self-medicate with a quick fix — the adultery fills the emptiness momentarily but it doesn’t solve the problem and the fallout reverberates for generations to come.”

The most stressed out men are the most likely to have affairs — “it does calm them down momentarily and fills that emotional chemical emptiness but not for long.”

Meanwhile, adds Mainzer, interrupt the script along the way — if you see something, say something: “Treat the pain early. In other words, if you feel something is up, talk about it sooner rather than later because it will be easier to solve when it’s a small problem …”

But if the bomb is dropped and he says he’s leaving, then take command, advises The Script. “You’ve been shot by a stun gun. But don’t let it stun you into inaction. By taking command, you calm those around you and gather your forces … call a lawyer.”

—

TELLTALE SIGNS

Keep your eyes open for these behaviours, advises infidelity expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

HE:

- Picks fights

- Acts unappreciated

- Becomes critical and finds fault

- Become distant and non-communicative

- Changes his image, i.e. loses weight, buys new clothes

- Telling you there’s something wrong with you and you should seek professional help

- Changes his money behaviour

- Changes in sexual behaviour, patterns, positions and frequency

- Buys gifts and does good deeds, such as chores around the house and helps more with the kids — “this assuages the guilt he’s feeling and it counteracts his bad behaviour away from home”

- Unexplained absenses

- Hang-ups on your home phone

- Starts leaving earlier for work and arriving home later

June 22, 2005
Carolyn Philipps

Surfer A survey on the differences between how British men and women use the internet has turned up some intriguing results.

Around two-thirds of women use the internet as their own private detective, to find information on their partners, while ten percent of women admitted to snooping thorough material on their dates.

Men, on the other hand, also use the web to dig up dirt, but on their bosses and co-workers, the survey by web hosting company Easily.co.uk has found. And when either sex isn’t looking for information on others, they are often searching for information on themselves.

Additionally, men tend to set up web pages showing their CVs, while women use theirs to display family photos. Jonathan Robinson, business development director at Easily.co.uk is happy the web is being used for more than shopping and banking.

“It’s amazing to see just how many of us have been interested to see what information there could be about ourselves and people we know on the internet,â€� Robinson said. “The internet is now the first port of call for anyone wanting to know about anything or it would seem, anyone.â€�

Thursday, June 16, 2005
The Madison St. Clair Record

By Ann Knef

If you’re a viewer of the TV show “Cheatersâ€�– face it. You’re fascinated by clandestine glimpses into the seamy side of life Greg Kellerman, who operates the Glen Carbon-based Kellerman Investigations, is a private investigator who stakes out cheaters and describes his work as “the best job in the world.â€�

Even though the majority of his time is spent as a process server–three months ago he served papers to rapper Nelly at a concert in Carbondale–he also provides remedies for a variety of domestic, social and corporate ills.

For $500 he recently confirmed the suspicions of a betrayed Metro-East wife. Two blocks away through the eye of a long lens, her trimmed-down, earringed and tattooed husband who quit his job, was discovered having an affair in the back seat of a new sports car in St. Louis.

“I can help anyone who has a cheating spouse,� Kellerman said, “with same day results.�

Equipped with a buttonhole and pencil camera-undercover essentials-Kellerman also gets repeat business from employers keeping tabs on worker’s compensation cases. “For instance, an employee says he is hurt on the job, but there may be others in the company who do not believe it,� he said. “Then I see them on roofing jobs or doing other activities like boating.�

Last month Kellerman satisfied a business client with evidence that the low back problems of a worker confined to light duty, oddly wasn’t getting in the way of the employee’s love for small motor car racing. “I saw him lifting 450-pound cars,â€� Kellerman said. Kellerman takes pride in his company’s competitive process serving rates–$45 flat fee for service in Madison, St. Clair and contiguous counties-and nothing for non-service. “We have a quick T-A-T (turn around time),â€� he said, “and we have the best prices in town.â€�

Kellerman Investigation’s newest innovation came via a $10,000 website upgrade which introduced “e-service� for customers world-wide.

“A client can register online, pay online and upload their documents to be served online,� he said.

“I never even need speak to them,� he said.

A former fire fighter and correctional officer, Kellerman loves the dynamic nature of the work. “You get a phone call and it can completely change your day.� Kellerman, who is permitted by law to carry a firearm, also captures fugitives and provides close body protection.

He believes his work is important to the civil judicial process. “When it comes to serving papers, it has to be done right or the system falls to its knees,� he said.

Ann Knef

Press Release
Thursday June 16, 7:55 am ET

ST. LOUIS, June 16 /PRNewswire/ — With women initiating approximately 70- 75% of all divorces, “Women’s Infidelity” author Michelle Langley believes the answer is a resounding “no.” Langley contends women frequently pursue separations and divorces under the guise of “searching for self”; however, she states the real reason is often another man. Langley says it’s not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to having affairs. She also states that many men are being divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives’ extramarital relationships.

Langley believes as a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because in today’s world, it is doing more harm than good. She asserts in the past, prior to DNA testing, the monogamous myth was helpful in easing paternity insecurity in males. However, today, this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. When women cheat they typically put the blame on their husband. Langley believes women’s lack of knowledge about their own natural sexual impulses makes them much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Again, studies prove currently women are initiating approximately 70-75% of all divorces.

Researching women’s sexual behavior has been Michelle Langley’s focus for almost a decade. She began an independent inquiry into the subject after a series of unrelated incidents sparked her interest. Several years into her research she was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women she interviewed. She categorized these patterns into “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with the loss of sexual desire. Her book, “Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, ‘I’m Not Happy,’” delves head-on into this controversial subject matter and is available for purchase at http://www.womensinfidelity.com.

For information: http://www.womensinfidelity.com

Contact:

Michelle Langley
314-352-6554
michelleclangley@aol.com
http://www.womensinfidelity.com

By SUE SHELLENBARGER, The Wall Street Journal

For Dick Kline, office romance in the news this week hit a sore spot.
When a creative director he worked with on a previous job years ago had an extramarital affair with a co-worker, Mr. Kline, an art director, and other employees of the big ad agency were aware of it. The illicit relationship was not only a distraction in the office but offended some co-workers, causing them to lose respect for the creative director.
The experience left Mr. Kline, of Yonkers, N.Y., with some clear-cut views on morality at the office: “The rules of the game should be, ‘No hanky-panky during working hours. No exceptions.”‘

His experience lends insight into why some office romances erupt into scandal. Most employers look the other way when issues of morality arise around extramarital affairs; Boeing’s firing this week of CEO Harry Stonecipher, whose dalliance risked embarrassing the company, was an exception. But co-workers don’t look the other way. Colleagues rush in where corporate leaders fear to tread, fixing on their co-workers’ romantic wrongs, making judgments and often lashing out in damaging ways.
The events leading to Mr. Stonecipher’s departure were triggered when directors were tipped off to the relationship after receiving a copy of explicit e-mail he had written. It isn’t yet known who alerted the directors.

Co-workers are often affected by extramarital flings at the office. They may feel morally compromised if a colleague expects them to be complicit in hiding an extramarital affair from a spouse. They may lose out on promotions or projects if the boss favors a lover over them.

Although polls show a large majority of Americans believe extramarital affairs are wrong, employers typically resist making such judgments. Just 12 percent of 391 companies surveyed by the American Management Association have written guidelines on office dating.

One reason is that about 20 states and many cities ban employment discrimination on the basis of marital status. If a married employee who has an affair is fired and an unmarried employee who has an affair is not, the fired employee in those states conceivably could claim illegal discrimination, attorneys say. Thus, many employers turn a blind eye to marital cheating.

That creates an environment where employees are often on their own in deciding what to do about it. Some workers in the 1990s tried to advance so-called third-party sexual harassment lawsuits, claiming they had missed out on promotions or raises because a superior favored an office lover. But the courts have backed away; generally, judges have ruled co-workers’ injuries aren’t severe or pervasive enough to warrant damages, says Gregory M. Davis, an employment attorney in Chicago with Seyfarth Shaw.

Nevertheless, some outraged co-workers feel compelled to act, dropping the political equivalent of an A-bomb and potentially sending their own careers into a Linda Tripp-like swoon. Before taking that path, ask yourself first whether you’re experiencing measurable on-the-job damage, or just moral outrage. Try “straightening out your feelings with your own minister or therapist” rather than attacking the co-worker, advises Ann Pardo, director of behavioral health at Canyon Ranch Health Resort, Tucson, Ariz.
Janet Lever, a sociologist at California State University who has studied the matter, says people have a legitimate beef if a co-worker, in effect, expects them to lie on their behalf. In such cases, co-workers have a right to say, “Don’t make me do your dirty work,” she says.

If an affair disrupts your work or harms teamwork or morale, “the first step is to go to that offending person face-to-face, privately,” Dr. Pardo says. If that fails or isn’t feasible, consider talking to a human-resources manager. At that point, however, you lose control: Depending upon the rules or customs at your office, a human-resource manager might ignore you; counsel the offender(s); report the affair to a supervisor; or arrange for one or both of the offending lovers to be transferred or fired.

More employees will likely face these issues in the future. While the proportion of men admitting to ever having had an extramarital affair is about flat at 22 percent, the same as a decade ago, evidence suggests that the number of women who have cheated is rising. The National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago says 15 percent of the women in a 3,000 person survey said “yes” when asked if they had ever engaged in an extramarital affair, up from 10 percent previously, based on a 2002 survey. More of these affairs are taking place in the workplace.

A few employers have taken steps toward a solution. Southwest Airlines, which employs more than 1,000 married couples, explicitly allows consensual office relationships. But it also has set a process for employees who object to a particular office romance to complain to the employee-relations department or to a manager, who in turn is charged with finding a remedy if the affair “negatively impacts our culture,” the company says.
More employers should probably do the same.

Most of us believe adultery is wrong, but that doesn’t stop it from happening

GANNETT NEWS SERVICE

Adultery used to be scandalous. Infidelity nearly ruined the career of Frank Sinatra after he left his wife for Ava Gardner. It didn’t endear Eddie Fisher and Liz Taylor to the public, either.

Now, adultery is hard to avoid in film, television or the real-life celebrity betrayal du jour in newspapers and magazines. The Internet is clogged with spouses cruising for discreet trysts. Many portals and dating services even specialize in facilitating such liaisons.

“I grew up in a neighborhood where there was a case of husband A running off with wife B, and it was a talked-about scandal for years afterward,” says Tom Smith, director of the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center, which has researched adult sexual behavior. “It’s just not shocking anymore. Our TV images have gone from ‘Ozzie and Harriett’ to ‘Desperate Housewives.’ ”

Yet, 91 percent of those questioned in a Gallup Poll last year said affairs are morally wrong.

What gives?

Theories on who cheats and why abound among social scientists and jilted lovers, but those who have studied the issue are hard-pressed to come up with a one-size-fits-all answer.

Academics can’t even agree on the extent to which adultery is happening. Various studies have found anywhere from 15 percent to 70 percent of people have had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.

There is, however, consensus that men are more likely to be unfaithful than women, although the gap is closing.

“More women are in the workplace, are no longer dependent on their husbands financially, and they have more opportunities to meet new people,” said Dr. Linda Martin, a marriage and family therapist in Cocoa.

In “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” author Shirley Glass identifies five motivators — emotional intimacy, love, sex, ego and revenge.

“It has more to do with ego, excitement, opportunity, boredom or maybe being sexually frustrated with a spouse,” Martin said. “Affairs are certainly more than sex.”

Generally, men and women cheat for different reasons, according to Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.” (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95)

“Women are usually looking for emotional fulfillment, and men are looking for sex,” Houston said. “Women tend to do it as a last resort after they’ve tried everything else, but their words have fallen on deaf ears.”