Good Advice from an excellent reporter

Jim May
Midland Reporter Telegram
07/24/2005

DEAR FAMILY: I recently found out that my husband was having an affair with a woman from another office at work. I found an e-mail saying he loved her. I waited two weeks and then I finally told him I knew. -Of course, he denied it, but by then I had collected plenty of evidence. He says he wants to stay married to me and I want the same thing because I have always loved him. We have been married almost 20 years. He says the affair has been going on for two years.

He says they only made love a few times and then stopped because they decided it was wrong. She works in (another city) and he has to go there regularly. I told him I would have to go with him until I could trust him again. He has agreed. He says he’s sorry but he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and I do.

My problem is even though I want this to work out, I have days I cannot quit crying. It’s as if I can see them together and it just happened yesterday. It used to be every night but I have gotten better. I have read at least five self-help books. Our pastor has moved and I don’t feel like I can talk to the new one about this. It is too embarrassing. How long does it take to get over this or can I? How long is too long? Six months, a year? Should I see a marriage counselor? Could you recommend one? I don’t know that he would go, but maybe I should go. I would appreciate any help. Sometimes it is really unbearable. It’s like someone very close to me has died. – VICTIM OF HIS AFFAIR

DEAR VICTIM: It is very hard to get over an affair but it can be done successfully. My professional experience in dealing with affairs is consistent with the research findings that most marriages involving an affair can be saved. Not all of course, but most. The main criterion is that the cheating spouse ceases all contact with his or her lover. When this criterion is met and the couple goes to marriage counseling the five-year survival rates are excellent and those couples even report that their marriage is better than before the affair.

There are a variety of thoughts from experts in this field that may help answer some of your questions. Peggy Vaughan’s research on more than 1,000 spouses whose partners have been unfaithful shows “the key to personal recovery and to staying together is a willingness to talk about the betrayal over a long period of time; but there is no quick fix.” Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of “Divorce Busting,” says, “…healing from infidelity is not a straight line; it is a jagged line with many setbacks. The partner who has been unfaithful may be willing to talk at first, but will balk when the subject is brought up again and again. Recovery takes endurance and patience and compassion.” I would add that since an affair is primarily a violation of trust then “bed-rock” honesty in answering all of your questions is vital.

I have found Dr. Janis Spring’s book, “After the Affair,” to provide the best all around “self-help” presentation for recovering from a spouse’s affair. She organizes her approach around three stages: Reacting to the Affair: “Is What I’m Feeling Normal?”; Reviewing Your Options: “Should I Stay or Leave?”; and Recovering From The Affair: “How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?” Reading her book should help answer many of your (very normal) questions.

In my experience, marriage or pastoral counseling is a vital component of the recovery process. It would be much better if both of you would go as a couple but if he refuses, it will help if you go. I will be glad to e-mail you the names of counselors if you would like; but be sure to keep God actively involved in the process.

I want to strongly encourage you and your husband to work on your marriage. It is a death but there can be life after death. As Dr. Eric Erikson stated, “A crisis can be a turning point; by making you vulnerable, it can heighten your potential for positive change.” Good luck!

Anger, confusion accompany revelation that a spouse is gay

WashingtonBlade.com
By ELIZABETH WEILL-GREENBERG
Friday, July 22, 2005

WHEN I FOUND out my boyfriend of four years was gay I felt a mixture of relief, disbelief and incredible guilt. He was the first person I went to with a personal crisis. But he struggled with his anguish and guilt alone.

I learned that he had been with men during our relationship after I confessed to cheating on him. He told me he had been unfaithful too, also with men. Strangely, the significance of that didn’t sink in at first. He insisted he wasn’t gay; he was bisexual.

I believed him when he said he wanted to stay together. Until that point our relationship had felt close to perfect; breaking up was not something I ever considered. I saw our indiscretions as harmless, a need for sowing our wild oats.

So we both continued having affairs. We convinced ourselves this deceitful arrangement could work. But, of course, it couldn’t.

We finally admitted to each other that we needed to break up when I fell in love with another man. We had become best friends and roommates — not lovers.

But even after we split he still would not acknowledge being gay. There was no Jim McGreevey-style news conference and definitive declaration that he is a “gay American.� This grayness infuriated me. I wanted to understand how our relationship had deteriorated. If he was gay, then our problems made sense.

I kept expecting a meteor of revelation to hit us. He’d come out and admit our relationship had been a lie.

By PAT BURSON, Newsday

Like many other female fans of Terry McMillan’s work, LaKeisha Rodgers was shocked to learn that the “Waiting to Exhale” author’s husband recently came out of the closet.

“You think some marriages are good, and it’s, like, you think they’re happy, but I guess some things are very well hidden,” says Rodgers, single and 35.

Rodgers saw the movie based on McMillan’s best seller “How Stella Got Her Groove Back,” inspired by the love affair the writer had with Jonathan Plummer, 23 years her junior, on a Jamaican vacation in 1995.

McMillan, now 53, recently filed for divorce in California from Plummer, 30, after he told her he was gay. However, Plummer’s sexual orientation is only one of many issues in what will be a very messy, public divorce.

The breakup has all the intrigue of last year’s bombshell from former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey, who held a televised news conference — his wife at his side — to announce his resignation after coming out as a “gay American” and admitting he’d had an adulterous affair with a man.

While titillating and tragic, such revelations have more than a few women wondering: If McMillan, a savvy woman who has made a fortune writing about male-female relationships, could be married to him for six years and not know he was gay, are the rest of us only an exhale away from finding out the same about the men (or women) we’re dating or married to?

Finding out your partner is gay is not so uncommon, says Amity Pierce Buxton, executive director of the Straight Spouse Network, which provides support and resources to heterosexual husbands and wives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and gay-straight spouses. Buxton, whose ex came out after 25 years of marriage and two children, wrote about the experience in “The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families” (John Wiley & Sons, $18.95).

When spouses announce they’re gay, the focus usually is on them, while the heterosexual mate is ignored or forgotten, Buxton says. “People don’t pay attention to them; they sympathize with the person who came out,” she says. “What they don’t realize is when you’re married, it becomes a family matter.”

Straight spouses must not blame themselves, she says, but allow time to work through their anger and to grieve.

Questions from friends, family members and others can compound the pain heterosexual partners report feeling, leaving them asking, “Why didn’t I know?” But when a partner has become a master at keeping his or her sexual identity hidden, it’s not so easy to know the truth, Buxton says.

Connie Williams, 39, an educator from Maryland, discovered her ex-husband was gay after he contracted HIV from an infected man with whom he’d had a homosexual relationship. Williams, who says she is HIV-negative, now coordinates the Straight Spouse Network’s outreach to spouses of color. “The issue of homosexuality is not dealt with in these communities as much as it is in the larger society because there’s still so much stigma associated with being gay,” says Williams, who is African-American. “We believe that’s why we see increased HIV infection rates among women of color.”

While it appears more husbands come out of the closet, wives do, too, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor in psychiatry at Brown University. Haltzman says he’s treated men who have had not one but two divorces because of wives revealing they’re lesbian.

Ruth Houston, who wrote “Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle, $29.95), says if the situation arises, you should confront your partner with solid proof that he or she might be in the closet, not just with your suspicions.

Brenda Stone Browder, author of “On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living With Men on the Down Low” (Kensington, $21), suggests listening to your intuition. Browder is author J.L. King’s ex-wife who wrote her recent book in response to his tome about having sex on the side with men during their eight-year marriage.

If you sense something is wrong, she says, be direct. In referring to certain sexual acts, ask, “Has anyone ever done this to you?” or, “Have you done this to anyone?”

If he acknowledges being gay (or you catch him) and you can both still communicate, try to figure out some mutually acceptable way to handle the situation, she says, including whether to stay together and only have protected sex, to separate or to divorce. If talking about the situation is too difficult, find a counselor skilled in handling these types of marital situations, she adds.

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and find you’re attracted to someone of the same sex, do some soul-searching before discussing it with your mate, says Simma Lieberman, a diversity consultant who specializes in cross-cultural dialogue and gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues.

She suggests seeing a counselor or contacting a support hot line or group “to help you figure it out — before you wreck your marriage.” If you have these feelings before you say, “I do,” don’t get married, she says. “Don’t do that to somebody unless you have an open and honest discussion.”

After the hurt and pain, you can go on, heterosexual spouses of gay mates say. Browder remarried and has been with her husband 21 years. She and her ex are starting a national “conversation of reconciliation” tour this summer to discuss their experiences and promote safer sex practices, HIV/ AIDS education and testing for everyone, and honesty in relationships.

Whatever you do, don’t be immobilized, Williams says.

After months of speculation, Congressman Don Sherwood has admitted to having an affair with a Maryland woman.

In a written statement, Sherwood said: “For about five years, I had an affair I deeply regret… I accept full responsibility for my behavior… I ask the people of the 10th congressional district to forgive my poor judgment on this personal matter… At the same time, I want to be absolutely clear that I never physically hurt or abused Ms. Ore.”

29-year-old Cynthia Ore filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Sherwood saying he physically abused her on a number of occasions.

Sherwood denies the accusations saying Ore is looking for a “lucrative and unjustified settlement.â€�

Your husband’s friend Angela has just phoned again. For the third time this week. And while you’re slaving away in the kitchen, you hear them laughing on the telephone and your hackles rise. Are you being unreasonable and petty, as you know they are only friends and nothing more?

“Not necessarily,” says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Terblanche. “When much of the social attention that is usually present in a marriage is diverted elsewhere, it is perfectly normal to feel betrayed in some way. Infidelity is not necessarily only sexual – it can be emotional too. And yes, this can make a marriage suffer.”

“People’s insecurities are brought to the fore by a situation where someone else is receiving an enormous amount of their spouse’s attention. But there is a big difference between being a bit jealous and jealously obsessing about your partner. If your partner goes out once in a blue moon for an hour to have a drink with an old school friend, you are overreacting if you go into jealousy overdrive. But if it’s the fourth time this week, you have every reason to be unhappy.”

“A strong emotional connection between your spouse and a friend/colleague, with whom lots of emotional intimacies are shared, will eventually drive a wedge between spouses, whether there is a sexual relationship between them or not. And very strong emotional attachments elsewhere could be very dangerous for your relationship or marriage. But both partners should also be allowed to see friends, obviously within reasonable limits. If you don’t allow your partner any outside contact, you have already signed the death warrant for your marriage. No-one likes being made to feel that they are in a prison.”

“Similar feelings of betrayal can be brought on by emotional infidelity than by sexual infidelity. The spouse who sits at home wonders whether the other man or woman is more compatible with their partner than they are, why they were not invited along and why their spouse no longer makes them feel special.”

“However, it must be guarded against that all friendships are suddenly seen as emotional infidelity,” says Terblanche. “Married people do need friends, sometimes of both sexes, as no one person can fulfill all your social needs. The question just remains where you draw the line and whether your first priority is still with your partner.”

So when does the line get crossed between normal friendship and emotional infidelity?

Time factor. When you realise that your spouse spends more time with this friend than with you, there is a problem. If the friend is only here for three days from Europe, obviously that’s different. Your spouse’s first responsibility lies with you and your relationship, not with an outsider. We all need time out from our partners every now and then to watch sport, to go shopping, to go fishing, or whatever. But the majority of free time should still be spent with you.

Spouse not invited. If things get planned to which you are specifically not invited, there could be a problem. If you suspect that work-related activities could be merely a guise, investigate. But remember that there are things such as genuine work-related things, so don’t get too suspicious. It’s not good for your blood pressure. But if your spouse and his/her friend start doing things like going to the movies or eating out on a regular basis and you get the feeling that your presence will not be welcome and you are made to feel like an outsider, you have every reason to complain. One or the other of them could have ulterior motives.

Too much involvement elsewhere. There is a big difference between helping a friend who’s just had a burglary or helping a brother buy curtains for a new flat and spending weeks helping a friend who’s looking for a house to buy. Or getting overly involved in helping them buy a car. Or lending them lots of money – possibly without telling you. Or if your spouse is spending time fixing things at the friend’s house when there are millions of things waiting to be done at home. Your spouse’s main focus should be at home with you and the children – for most of the time anyway.

Didn’t I tell you? When you feel that you are no longer the main confidant of your spouse, alarm bells should start ringing. When your spouse’s friend knows about a promotion or an illness or a winning lottery ticket before you do, there’s a problem. Or if little everyday things are no longer shared with you, because they have already been shared with the friend, you are being systematically excluded. Or if you get the feeling that your spouse is discussing your relationship with this friend, you have every reason to complain.

Duty vs. pleasure. When paying the bills, going to the supermarket and the PTA evenings are the only things you do with your spouse, you should be getting worried. Especially if all the fun things are being done with one or more other people and you just are around when the boring stuff happens. Relationships should consist of a mixture between duty and pleasure. And what’s more, if your partner starts associating you only with boring duties, the writing could be on the wall.

Always part of the equation. Your spouse somehow feels responsibility for the well-being of this person – to the point where you feel that no plans of yours are made without considering this friend and his or her needs and wants. You feel you have to explain why he or she cannot accompany you on some family outing or holiday, whereas no explanation is really needed.

Friend takes priority. You get the feeling if both you and the friend were to have a crisis at the same time, your spouse might just go to the friend first. You are beginning to feel like you’re being taken for granted and that you and your needs and your relationship are becoming of secondary importance.

The friend is pitted against you. When you feel the friend is starting the one-upmanship game, such as lording it over you when he/she knows something before you, red lights should be flashing. This friend is competing for your spouse and his/her attention and is certainly no friend to you. On the contrary. It is also quite possible that your spouse is enjoying having two people fight over his/her attention and is pitting the two of you against each other. If this friend were really a friend to both of you, you would often be included in invitations and gatherings. And the two of you would do things on your own sometimes as well.

What should you do?
This is a difficult one as you don’t want to provoke the kind of situation where a huge fight takes place and your spouse goes to find solace elsewhere. It is important to share your feelings calmly in a non-accusatory manner. An example of this would be, “When you go out for the third time in a week with Gary and leave me here, I feel rejected and unwanted.” Tell your spouse how you feel, but try not to explode or shout and scream. You will only look jealous, possessive and unattractive. And this will make the company of the friend look all the more attractive. If your spouse’s friend indeed does have ulterior motives, your are playing right into their hands by fighting with your partner. Ask to be included in some future activities – this is not unreasonable.

(Susan Erasmus, Health24)