Emotional & mental: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

BY PAULA M. FELIPE/Public Safety Reporter

This is the second of a three-part series on domestic violence. The names have been changed to protect the victim’s privacy.

What are the effects of domestic violence? What forms does the abuse take and how can one heal after experiencing an abusive relationship?

Cynthia has been married 25 years and has chosen to stay and work on her troubled relationship with her husband. They have children together and live in a lovely home, but Cynthia says what goes on behind closed doors would surprise people who believe the couple are happily married.

“I met him when I was a teenager. We married young, and I didn’t have or take the time to find out who I was and what I liked,” Cynthia said.

The Catalyst program, a non-profit group that helps victims of domestic violence, has helped Cynthia in many ways. She claimed this program even helped her to recognize the many aspects of abuse that was taking place in her marriage.

“I wasn’t aware of the Catalyst program before. I used to think domestic violence was physical, like getting hit, you know, like it was cut and dry,’ and you could see the abuse by looking at bruises. But I learned that domestic violence is many things, including emotional, verbal, and mental abuse, and I then I recognized that I was in an abusive relationship,” Cynthia explained.

“I remember saying to myself, “I wish he was hitting me instead because then I would have bruises. You can’t see emotional abuse. It goes on behind closed doors. I thought I was going crazy, and no one could see it (the abuse) that was happening,” said Cynthia, her voice breaking.

She also watched an Oprah Winfrey show on emotionally abusive relationships. “I learned I was not alone and could relate to other’s testimony of abuse,” she said.

Her first “wake-up” call happened when she read a Catalyst poster that had a checklist designed to teach people about abusive relationships.

“When I read that checklist, I saw questions like “Are you in a relationship that makes you feel this way . . .?” and I thought, “Wow! That is happening to me. I could check off a lot. So, I went to the Catalyst office and learned more,” she said.

Cynthia learned abuse can be verbal, emotional, and mental, and that language can be used to manipulate and intimidate.

After years of being in an abusive relationship, Cynthia suffered from bouts of depression, stress, and low-self esteem. She said, “I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I felt so bad that when I was driving I felt like I wanted to turn the wheel and die.”

“After a while, your self-worth is depleted. You believe that your husband is your best friend, supporter, the one who knows you the best. And it starts to break you down when he is the one who is criticizing you, putting you down, and making you question your own sanity and question if you have a right to even feel the way you do,” she said, adding, “and if you start off with low self-esteem, you can lose yourself and go over the edge.”

Manipulating her feelings included invalidating her experiences, Cynthia explained. “My husband would take my experience and make it his own in effect. He would take what I would say about how I felt and he would tell me. You are wrong to feel that way.’ So, my own experience was invalidated and discredited by him. He would tell me how I was supposed to be feeling. That’s not right,’ he would say in effect, you should be doing this or feeling this way.’ ”

“You see, at first I thought it was my fault and that I was doing something wrong. I thought I was going crazy,” she explained. “My husband had a way of making me feel I was wrong in what I was saying. He would turn my words around and make me think something was wrong with me instead of something he was doing.”

In the beginning of the relationship, Cynthia admits she was a “people pleaser” and wanted to make her husband happy. “I ended up completely losing myself in the relationship,” she said.

“For years, I lived in fear and was intimidated. I didn’t want to rock the boat so I walked on egg shells around him because he would raise his voice and yell at me if I questioned him. I kept wondering, Why am I not happy? I have a lovely house.’ And then I realized because my husband yells at me and puts me down I was becoming an extension of what he wanted, and my own self was lost and my needs were not being met,” she said.

Aspects of abuse in her marriage included isolation, economic, and physical abuse as well as verbal and emotional.

“I don’t have a lot of friends. You lose your friends. They don’t want to be around him. My family is also divided,” she said.

Her husband opened separate bank accounts in his own name and decided to put her on an allowance.

“I had to ask for money from him. It’s another form of control. He also got a private post office box in his name.”

One night her husband had been drinking, and attacked her in front of their children. “He said that I was the one who provoked him into doing it and he was arrested.”

Cynthia’s husband was ordered into a domestic violence class by the court after he was arrested. The couple went to counseling sessions together.

When she believed her husband was having an affair, she was made to feel wrong for suspecting him. After she confirmed the affair, it was his deception that hurt the most.

“He had been unfaithful and lied to me about it. When I would ask him about other women, he made me feel I was even wrong to raise the issue and ask him about it. He turned it back on me as if I was wrong to feel any suspicion. Well, I finally found out he had been lying to me all along and my suspicions were correct. His deception really hurt me.”

“You know, I thought to myself, we are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Instead of lying and deceiving me and making me feel it was all my fault, why not just own up and apologize and take responsibility for it (the infidelity) instead of making me think something was wrong with me.”

“I’ve learned the abuse has a lot to do with power and control. If they can knock you down and make you question and doubt yourself, then they feel they have an edge over you. It also has to do with “narcissism” and how some people have personality traits who need someone to mirror them. They lack self-confidence inside and attempt to control and put down others to feel in control,” Cynthia said.

Her husband has discontinued the counseling sessions, and Cynthia isn’t sure if he has learned how to stop being abusive.

“It seems he has learned now how to say things in a different way, but it still means the same thing. Like instead of saying It’s your fault’ or you are not supposed to feel that way’, he says something like, “You are choosing not to feel this way.’ It seems like he is saying the same things but it’s clothed in different words,” she explained.

Why does she stay in the marriage and how can she survive or thrive in her marriage?

One reason she has stayed so long is her lack of self-confidence. “You don’t think you can make it on your own. And you want to stay and make it work for the children,” she said.

The road to healing for Cynthia includes learning how to uplift herself with positive feedback.

“Internal dialogue is important,” she explained, “Tell yourself You did a good job,’ or tell yourself you love yourself,” she said.

“Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say, Hi, beautiful! How are you doing today?’ Believe in yourself,’ Cynthia advises others who are in abusive relationships. “And you need to get out and not be isolated,” she added.

Exercise is another way she recommends releasing energy in a positive way. “I used to hit a pillow,” she said.

Among recommended reading, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” is a book that helped her.

“I’m learning to work on myself now,” she said, “I can’t hold in resentment and realize that only hurts myself more. I need to continue my healing process; I need to forgive him; the forgiveness is for myself; for my own inner healing,” she said. “I’ve also learned not to engage in self-blame.’

After a couple years of counseling, Cynthia definitely recommends Catalyst to anyone in an abusive relationship.

“I do love my husband. I do care deeply about him. We have children together,” her voice tearfully breaks, “This is hard. I’m trying to make it work.”

Man threatens wife with crossbow, police say
Tuesday, October 25, 2005

MASSILLON OHIO- A 51-year-old man is accused of urinating on his wife and threatening to shoot her with a crossbow, police said.

George M. Wise of 318 Fourth St. NE faces two counts of felonious assault and domestic violence. He is free on bond, Municipal Court records show.

Police said Wise also struck his stepdaughter, who tried to wrestle away the crossbow and was cut on the forearm by an arrow.

Wise, believing his wife was having an affair, began to urinate on the 34-year-old woman as she slept in bed at about 7:30 a.m. Sunday, according to a police complaint filed in Municipal Court.

She woke up and yelled.

Wise went to retrieve the crossbow and returned to find his wife and stepdaughter, who had heard the shouting, in the bedroom, records show.

He loaded the weapon, according to police.

“He then pointed the crossbow at the victim (his wife) and she believed he was going to shoot her,� the arrest warrant shows.

The couple had been drinking, police said. He later told officers in jail he had “screwed up,� police said.

Cantonrep.com

How to tell when you’re not exactly being told the straight story

By Cynthia Hubert
SACRAMENTO BEE

You think you can tell when he’s lying.

His eyes dart back and forth. He can’t keep his hands still. He stutters and stumbles over his words.

Deception is written all over him, right? Not necessarily.

Nailing a fibber is not nearly as easy or instinctive as most people think, say scientists, authors and other keen observers of the art of deception.

“There is no simple checklist,” says Gregory Hartley, a former military interrogator who applies the techniques he used on enemy combatants in a new book for civilians, “How To Spot a Liar.”

But with a little practice, Hartley insists, you, too, can become a human lie detector.

It is a skill that has challenged us through the ages, says Dallas Denery, a professor of medieval history at Bowdoin College in Maine who is working on a book about the history of lying. “The problem of lies and liars has been with us forever,” he says. “In the Judeo-Christian tradition, history really begins with a lie, with Adam and Eve and the serpent.”

Fast forward to modern times and a 2002 study suggesting that most people lie in everyday conversation. Researchers at the University of Massachusetts observed people talking for 10 minutes and found that 60 percent of them lied at least once, telling an average of two to three fibs. Some of the lies were benign, but others were extreme, including one person who falsely claimed to be a rock star.

“We didn’t expect lying to be such a common part of daily life,” one of the researchers, Robert Feldman, observed after the study was published.

Over the years, CIA agents, police detectives, psychologists, lawyers and others have tried a variety of methods to identify liars, from polygraph machines to “voice stress analysis” to analysis of barely perceptible facial movements that can give away hidden feelings. None of the techniques has been foolproof.

And the search for the truth continues. The science of liars and lying remains a hot topic in research circles, and book after book offers the latest theory about how to tell when a spouse is cheating, a witness is lying in court or a car salesman is overstating the value of a vehicle.

Check out just a few of the titles on the subject at www.amazon.com: “Lies and Liars: Pinocchio’s Nose and Less Obvious Clues,” “Liar! A Critique of Lies and the Act of Lying,” “When Your Lover Is a Liar,” and “The Concise Book of Lying.” It’s enough to shatter your trust in humanity.

John Mayoue, an Atlanta divorce lawyer who has represented famous clients – including Jane Fonda in her breakup with Ted Turner – says lying is rampant in his business.

“In the courtroom, there is no end to the lying, particularly if money is at stake,” Mayoue says. “The more money, the bigger the lies.”

The greatest lie in relationships, he says, is “Honey, I love you but I’m no longer in love with you. That’s someone’s way of saying they’re cheating on you.”

The Internet culture has made lying practically a sport, Mayoue observes. “You just have to assume that you’re in the midst of a liar’s ball when you’re online,” he says. “It’s a fantasy realm. I can’t see you. I can’t look at signals. I can’t test you. There is no verification.”

In court and in daily life, Mayoue believes, a person’s eyes tell the truest story.

“Looking at someone in an unwavering manner and answering the question is very telling,” he says. “When I see eyes shift side to side and up and down, it just causes suspicion.”

Hartley, the former interrogator, agrees that body language can hint at deception. But not always, he says. “Your eyes drift naturally when you’re searching for information,” he says. “I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t move their eyes when looking for details.”

The key to uncovering a lie, he says, is knowing how the liar behaves normally, when he or she is relaxed, and picking up on changes in voice patterns, eye movement and other body language.

“You’ve got to ask the right questions, then observe how that person responds,” Hartley says.

Signs of stress, which may signal that someone is lying, include flared nostrils and audible breathing, shaky hands and elbows moving closer to the ribs, according to Hartley.

“Stress does horrible things to our brains,” he says. “Stress hormones can virtually turn off your brain and make you become reactive.”

For the most notorious liars, the tendency to fib may be biological, suggests a study by researchers at the University of Southern California. Pathological liars, the scientists found, have structural differences in their brains that could affect their abilities to feel remorse and learn moral behavior and might give them an advantage in planning deceitful strategies, the researchers discovered. Other scientists have suggested that pathological liars owe their behavior to the psychiatric diagnosis known as narcissism, and may truly believe their own falsehoods.

But the average, everyday fibber lies to achieve a goal, says communication expert Laurie Puhn, author of the best-selling book “Instant Persuasion, How To Change Your Words To Change Your Life.” Most people lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, to avoid a commitment or a task, to cover up bad behavior or to elevate themselves professionally or personally, she says.

Puhn advises people who suspect someone is lying to ask unexpected questions, look for contradictions in their statements and ask a follow-up question a couple of days later about the suspected lie.

“If someone says they had to work late to deal with a new client and you are suspicious, ask them about it a week later,” she says. “They’re likely to answer, ‘What new client?’ It’s hard for liars to keep their lies straight.”

Bettyanne Bruin, who parlayed her experiences with a former partner into a book and a support group for people who have been deceived, says the first step toward detecting a liar is overcoming denial.

“People tend to ignore the red flags,” says Bruin, author of “Shattered: Six Steps From Betrayal to Recovery.” “Their gut tells them what is going on, but they really do want to believe the best about the person they love.”

The most critical sign that a partner is lying, she says, is defensiveness.

“Liars are very defensive when you question them,” says Bruin. “They will become very resistant and angrier and angrier upon each attempt to probe.” Often, she says, they make their partners feel guilty about questioning them. “They’ll say, ‘You’re being unreasonable,’ or ‘Why are you treating me this way?’ ”

Types of lies

Joseph Tecce, an associate professor of psychology at Boston College who has studied liars and lying, identifies six types of untruths, some more egregious than others.
He classifies them as:

The ‘protective’ lie, which can shield the liar from danger.

The ‘heroic’ lie, created to protect someone else from danger or punishment.

The ‘playful’ lie, such as an angler’s fib about the size of his fish.

The ‘ego’ lie, designed to shield someone from embarrassment.

The ‘gainful’ lie, which somehow enriches the fibber.

And the ‘malicious’ lie, told to deliberately hurt someone else.

By Morgan Rudy/Relationship Columnist
The Daily Toreador

October 13, 2005

There is no way to know where your significant other is at all times of the day. This is where the element of trust comes in when it comes to your partner and your relationship. Cheating is something that at one point or another will come into your mind when you are in a monogamous relationship; them cheating on you or vise-versa.

Hopefully you will never cheat or be cheated on, but it happens. Infidelity, when one of the partners in a relationship is cheating, can be the death blow of a relationship. It is a sign that something is seriously wrong between partners.

Being Played

A change of behavior in your partner might be a good indicator that something is wrong and may be your first clue that your partner is cheating on you. A mate having an affair will display changes in his normal patterns of behavior. But it is better if you attempt direct observation of cheating rather than basing accusations on two or three unusual behaviors.

Additionally, suspecting your mate of having an affair may just be a result of your own issues and insecurities and less likely the result of your partner’s behavior. If you have a history of special emotional insecurities, such as a very low self-esteem, overly strong feelings of mistrust in men or women or issues with jealousy and insecurity. Before you jump to conclusions, stay objective and realize that people change over time and may naturally become less attentive and less interested about certain things.

If you do suspect that your significant other is cheating, there are a few signs that you can pick up on if you pay attention.

First of all, do they go out without you and don’t tell you where they went? If they used to tell you everything they did and then all of a sudden stop you might have reason to suspect them. It’s those unaccountable hours that leave one up to a little distrust. This might call for the need for a little prying to see if they are really cheating or if they just don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Another sign could be if they won’t answer their phone if you are around. Will they only answer certain calls and not others? When they get off the phone do they tell you who they were talking to or are they vague or get defensive at your question? If you want to get stalker-esque on them, you can look in their phone when they are not looking, but you better have a good excuse when they catch you.

One example I love is when you approach your partner about your suspicion of them cheating do they say, “Oh it’s your imagination.” This is what cheating people say when you get too close to the truth. From this point, they will probably go on to say that you are paranoid and you don’t trust them like they trust you. Wake up and smell the coffee people: you are being played.

Being the Player

Now if you are on the other side of this cheating scenario, make sure it is worth it. Is your one night of fun going to mess up something that is really special to you? And think, “Is this person that special to me that I am willing to cheat?”

As a past cheater, I can honestly say I wasn’t thinking when it happened. I wanted that person at that moment, and well, it just happened. I never got caught, I never told my ex about it, and I never will. In my situation, I thought it would hurt him so much if I told the truth that I never confessed my act of infidelity.

Now if you do decide to tell you partner, make sure you are ready for what could happen. They will probably be hurt, angry and possibly furious. There will be tears, and the relationship might end. Just be ready for anything. Who knows they could forgive you and you could both go on with your day.

Infidelity arguably is the most challenging blow any relationship can sustain. The news of an affair can shake a mate to his or her very core. The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy partnerships as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved person may not be getting enough from the relationship, sometimes the involved partner is not giving enough.

We all love a bit of attention. An exchange of admiring glances or a bit of light-hearted flirtatious banter can brighten the day, raise self-esteem and strengthen social bonds.

Flirtation at this level is harmless fun. There is, however, a fine line between harmless flirting and disloyalty to your partner. If what you’re doing is fun and enjoyable but not emotionally charged, then you’re probably safe.

However, if you have strong feelings for that person, then you are in trouble. Your feelings are a clear indication of when something is important to you.

In a perfect world, there would never be infidelity, and there would be peace on earth, but alas – the world and the people in it are far from perfect. Cheating hurts whatever side of it you are on, so my advice would to steer clear of “playing” if you can.

Woman made up rape to hide affair
By BOB SHERRILL
Herald Staff Writer

The reported rape of an 18-year-old Sapulpa housewife was a hoax according to Sapulpa Police.

SPD Detective Sgt. Mike Reed said Friday afternoon that after a lengthy interview at police headquarters, the woman finally told detectives the assault never happened and she had made up the story.

“She has signed a statement that the event never occurred,” Reed said.

He said news of the sexual assault had created concern with a number of women and the department had received a number of phone calls.

The detective did not elaborate on how they came to suspect the assault was unfounded, but earlier detectives received an anonymous phone call that point their investigation in a new direction.

He said filing false report charges against the woman is being discussed.

News of the assault had created a nervous atmosphere in Sapulpa, he said.

There had been many calls from frightened residents and the department had put in a lot of man hours on the case, Reed said.

Reed said the woman said she became worried that her husband would learn she was having an affair with another man.

The woman claimed the assault occurred at her residence on North Elizabeth after a three year opened the door to the assailant.

The woman also told police the assailant was not armed but grabbed her and forced her to a bedroom.

She also told police earlier the assailant had first picked up the child and tossed it on to a couch before he grabbed her and forced her to a bedroom.

The woman was taken to Hillcrest Medical Center where evidence was gathered by a trained nurse at the rape center of the hospital, Reed said.

Bob Sherrill 224-5185 Ext. 201

crime@sapulpadailyherald.com

by Ashley Henry

Does anyone find the following scenario familiar?

It’s a great party, you are having a girl’s or boy’s night out and the good times are flowing. Then out of nowhere you see this hottie who is making his/her way towards you. He or she starts a conversation or starts dancing a little suggestively with you. By now your brain is telling you that this is not right.

You have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but you just cannot seem to help yourself. Before you know what happens you have made a mistake that you cannot possibly take back. Although the situation might not be this simple, it is possible.

Cheating is a common problem in relationships, especially when you are young, hot and ready to have a good time. Being faithful to your significant other can be hard when there are so many people out there who can tempt you. No matter how you slice it though, cheating is wrong and it only looks bad for you. And more importantly, it hurts the person who is supposed to be closest to you.

If you have cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend, there are a few things you need to evaluate about your relationship. If you actually cheated on him/her – whether it was just a kiss or more – then there is obviously something wrong in your relationship. You need to take a step back and examine why you cheated.

Did you cheat in a moment of anger to get back at your partner? If so, then there is a good chance you still love him/her; you just made a bad decision in the heat of the moment. If you cheated because you are unhappy or unsatisfied in your relationship though, then you have to ask yourself if you are in your relationship for the right reasons. If your current romantic partner is not making you happy then end the relationship with him/her.

Cheating will not solve the problems in your relationship – it will just create new ones – and it will not make you happy because you will be hiding it from people. It is best to just end your relationship before pursuing new ones.

If you do cheat, which is obviously not recommended, do not make excuses for why you did it.

If you choose to tell your partner – and you should – that you cheated, you need to explain the situation in a calm and humble manner. Do not accuse him/her of spurring you to cheat with their behavior act; like an adult and take responsibility for your actions. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to kiss the other person.

You chose to cheat and now you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Allow your boyfriend/girlfriend plenty of time to soak up what you have told him/her. He/she will definitely be mad, hurt and confused as to why you choose to hurt him/her that way. All you can do is explain yourself and, if they do not automatically end the relationship, beg for his/her forgiveness.

If your partner does choose to give you a second chance in your relationship, that is your chance to prove to him/her that you can be trusted despite past indiscretions. You have shattered that trust once and now you must earn it back. Be open with your boyfriend/girlfriend, with your feelings about the relationship and with what is going on in your life.

Talking about things that are bothering you can nip problems in the bud before they have a chance to get out of control. Give your partner time. Be patient with them when they question you and your intentions for a while. If you truly are sorry for what you have done and don’t stray again, your partner will come to realize that maybe you can be trusted.

The best advice I can give is don’t cheat, but if you do, be mature enough to own up to the penalties that come along with it. Cheating does not have to mean the end of a relationship.

Couples can survive and work through the mistrust in their own time. Just think long and hard the next time you are tempted and weigh the pros and cons before making a decision that will be with you the rest of your life.

Law Allows Spouses Over Breakup Of Marriage

RALEIGH, N.C. — Many attorneys say the Alienation Of Affection law is archaic and should be taken off the books. Others say it protects the sanctity of marriage.

George Berg spends a lot of time these days looking at pictures of his sons. They spend half their time with him and half with his estranged wife and her boyfriend.

My goal was to save my family, so I did not hire a lawyer directly, Berg said.

After Berg discovered his wife of 11 years was having an affair with a local man she met online, he looked at his options.

It was amazing. Everything was gone — the boys, my wife, my house. Everything was gone, Berg said.

Berg decided to sue the boyfriend for alienation of affection, holding him financially liable for the breakup up his marriage.

They shouldn’t be able to pick up the phone, start e-mailing knowing the other person is married, he said. There is not just one heart, but multiple hearts at stake, he said.

They knew it was wrong. They accepted it. They should be accountable, attorney Bert Diener said.

Diener represents Berg. It is the first time he has ever filed this type of lawsuit on a client’s behalf.

After seeing what George has gone through, the humilation, the heartache, mostly the heartache. You really like to feel like there is something you can do, Diener said.

It’s a bad law. It’s outdated. It doesn’t really help anybody. It treats women as property, attorney Lee Rosen said.

For years, Rosen, along with dozens of other lawyers across the state, has lobbied to get the law off the books. This year, they could not even find a lawmaker to sponsor a bill to abolish the law.

“It feels like you’re legalizing adultery. Lawmakers don’t want to be the people responsible for that,” Rosen said.

North Carolina is one of only seven states that still has such a law. Rosen said the law is rarely a deterrent and usually does more harm than good.

“After the fact, lawsuits are filed which are like nuclear bombs dropping on families and they make it much harder for people to heal,” he said.

Berg said even now he would take his wife back to keep him family intact, but he feels that the lawsuit is what he must do.

“It’s not about revenge. It’s not about money. It’s about falling asleep with your wife in your arms,” he said.

WRAL contacted Berg’s estranged wife, her boyfriend and their attorneys. They declined to comment.

Lawyers who support removing the alienation of affection law from the books said they do not expect any action on the issue during the next legislative session.

Alienation of affection cases often yield high-dollar rewards. In August, a Fayetteville woman won a $550,000 judgment against another woman she said stole her husband. Last year, a Robeson County jury awarded a man more than $500,000 after his wife had an affair with a co-worker. In 2001, a woman won $2 million after she sued her husband’s girlfriend.