By Pat Burson
Newsday

That a husband or wife would spend time and money trying to catch his or her spouse cheating “is a huge red flag that this is a relationship that’s circling the drain already,” says clinical psychologist Tom Merrill, who does relationship seminars, consulting and counseling with his wife, Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill.

The couple, who split their time between Honolulu and Phoenix, offer solutions in their new book, “Settle for More: You Can Have the Relationship You Always Wanted … Guaranteed!” (SelectBooks, $21.95).

They say spouses can head off problems in a marriage, including infidelity, by working to fuel the fire that ignited during courtship.

“We settle for less once we’re married,” Tom Merrill says. “Keep alive what you had in your courtship … by making every moment be a loving kind of moment. As soon as you start letting down on those moments, your partner doesn’t feel attracted to you in those moments, and they feel they want to step away. If they’re not honorable, then they start to plan their escape.”

If you want a relationship that’s loving, committed, connected, open, seamless and sexual, “hold yourself to the standard that you want to live in,” Sandoz-Merrill adds.

Divorce isn’t the only solution after an affair, says Manhattan psychologist Debbie Magids. “Sometimes couples counseling helps you end a bad situation or mend a broken situation,” she says. “You need to find out what happened and fix the root of the problems.”

If the marriage is to have any chance at survival, the spouse who cheated must work to regain trust. In turn, the spouse who was betrayed must resist the urge to punish or seek revenge and be willing to forgive. “Without forgiveness,” Magids says, “you can never have a marriage again.”

Before entering a new relationship, establish your own “minimum standard of care” list with what you must have (honesty and monogamy, say) and won’t tolerate (your mate being too chummy with an old flame), says Danine Manette, author of “Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing With Infidelity” (Square One, $12.95).

“Write it down so you can refer back to it,” she says. “Not only will it help you evaluate your partner and your relationships, it also will help you evaluate yourself and what is healthy.”

By Pat Burson
Newsday

You’re reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Although the figures remained relatively stable for men throughout that time, Smith says the numbers for women fluctuated between 11 percent and 14 percent, indicating a “small but clear upward trend.”

So, how can you be so sure they are — or aren’t?

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs to look for, they’ll point you to the answer.

You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out hundreds — or thousands — of dollars to hire a private detective. You also can invest in the newest high-tech products on the market — computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them — in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says his company recently began marketing a patented home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate’s clothing that are normally impossible to see or feel. Protein and enzyme formulas included in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you’ve collected in an enclosed envelope to a laboratory for testing to determine whether they match your DNA, your mate’s — or someone else’s. The kit costs $79.95 (877-362-9900 or www.trutestinc.com). Sending specimens for laboratory DNA testing will cost at least $500.

High-tech checking

Suspicious spouses also are using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates’ whereabouts.

Larry Wasylin, vice president of sales and marketing for Magnolia Broadband of Bedminster, N.J., has seen it firsthand in recent months during business trips to Asia. In one instance, he says, he was dining at a restaurant when a colleague pulled out and stared at his cellphone.

“I said, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘I’m looking to see where my wife is.’ She was picking up the kids from an after-school program. He said, ‘She’ll be home in about 30 minutes.’ They’re marketing it right now under the brand iKids,” he adds. ‘The idea is, it allows parents to ensure the safety of their children. … It’s not confined to children. People like to know where their spouses are.”

Cellphones that capture video can do the same thing, he says, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

Wasylin says he also saw reports about a new chip inserted into a cellphone to allow suspicious husbands and wives to listen in on their spouses’ calls without them knowing.

Some are using the images they’ve seen and conversations they’ve heard to confront the cheaters.

He says you can expect to see this technology hit U.S. markets in the not-so-distant future.

Use all your senses

To Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You? — 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won’t tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they’re doing or with whom. Computer spyware will tell you the content of the e-mails going back and forth, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.

Even private investigators are limited by what you tell them. The more detailed information you can give them, the better.

“You don’t need a lot of gadgets,” says Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her.

“You can find countless signs of infidelity using only your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.”

That involves being tuned into your mate’s work habits, daily schedule, and likes and dislikes, Houston says.

“Then you can zero in on what’s happening. You will see changes across the board. There will be things you pick up in their conversation, personal hygiene, how they relate to you, personal behaviors, changes in all those areas,” which she lists on www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar, coming home late) and overlook the subtle clues, Houston says.

For instance, your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, like volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills — a job you’ve been doing — to give you, he or she says, a much-needed break.

“You say, ‘That’s nice,’ but maybe he doesn’t want you to see the bills and what he’s been spending his money on,” Houston says.

Once you have proof

Don’t confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof.

Even with that, some cheaters will never admit betrayal, says Mark Barondess, a Los Angeles attorney and author of the new book “What Were You Thinking?: $600-Per-Hour Legal Advice on Relationships, Marriage & Divorce” (Phoenix, $25.95).

“They could be having sex right in front of their spouse and tell them, ‘It wasn’t me,’ ” he says.

“People will do and say anything they possibly can to avoid admitting they were caught cheating.”

When you confront your spouse about suspicions, pay close attention to his or her reactions, looking for anything that would be a break from the norm: a glitch in his body language or a change in the cadence or pitch of her voice, says Greg Hartley, a U.S. Army interrogator for 15 years who co-authored the new book “How to Spot a Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth … and How You Can Catch Them” (Career Press, $14.99).

“This is what catches most liars: We can’t practice, rehearse or create enough details to sustain a lie. It’s the little details that break a story,” Hartley says.

“You can ask, ‘Where were you at 2 this afternoon?’ I can lie and say, ‘I was at work.’ But if I ask you to give me a timeline of your day, the details will bite you.”

Hartley’s co-author, Maryann Karinch, also says it’s important to approach the conversation logically and calmly so that it doesn’t get ugly or out of control.

Ultimately, Karinch says, you have to ask yourself which outcome you want: To catch your spouse in a lie? To salvage your marriage? To get a big divorce settlement? To hear he or she is deeply sorry?

“If you want to save the marriage and you are genuinely distressed that the person is cheating on you, then you need to come directly into contact with this person about the facts of the matter and the emotions of the matter,” she says.

Published on January 07, 2006

Thai Rak Thai men MPs led by chief whip Pongthep Thepkanjana have thrown their support behind an amendment to the divorce law which would allow a wife to file for divorce against a husband who has had sex with another woman. The amendment was drafted by the Women’s Affairs and Family Development Office of the Ministry of Social Development and Human Security and will be put before the House during its March session.

The divorce law is Article 1516 of the Civil Law and states that if a wife sleeps with a man who is not her husband she commits adultery, giving her husband grounds to file for divorce. According to the law, however, a woman is unable to reciprocate if her husband sleeps with another woman, except if she can prove that he supports the other woman or regards her as being on the same level as herself.

“We propose to amend the law to allow wives to file for divorce against a husband who has had sex with another woman, even once,� said Kingkaew Inwang, deputy director of the office.

There was concern that male MPs would not support the proposed amendment, but many from the ruling party yesterday promised they would.

Thai Rak Thai chief whip Pongthep Thepkanjana said the law should be amended in the interest of equality between the sexes.

“The amendment aims to put women on an equal footing with men and will not create chaos in our society, though it is still one where many men are licentious,� he said.

Pongthep added that even with the amended law it would take a lot for a wife to sue an adulterous husband.

Thai Rak Thai MP Ardhasit Sappayasit said he had thought for a long time about amending the law because it would relieve family problems caused by a husband’s infidelity and make husbands thinking about being unfaithful realise the possible repercussions.

“I would encourage other MPs to support the amendment,� he said.

Democrat MP Ongart Klampaiboon also agreed with the proposal, saying it would make husbands think twice.

However, Chart Thai MP Chuvit Kamolvisit disagreed, saying sexual equality was of little use in a society filled with massage parlours peddling sex to men.

“If society’s fundamental values are not changed, the amended law would be bound to create chaos. Many men would be sued by their wives, and the courts would be overloaded,� he said.

Among female politicians support for the amendment was strong.

Thai Rak Thai MP Ladawan Wongsriwong said she and other female MPs agreed with the proposal and she had recommended TRT male MPs to support it.

“Most MPs agree and will vote for the law,� she said.

She said she was not concerned about how hard it would be to prove whether a husband had cheated on his wife, because at least it was better than doing nothing.

Senator Rabiabrat Pongpanich said she was delighted by the proposal with all the laws passed by male politicians that favoured men at the expense of women, though she was not sure if the male MPs making up the majority of the House were broad-minded enough to pass it.

“Article 37 of the Constitution is about sexual equality, but many organic laws still flout it,� she said.

However, she quipped, if the amendment is approved over half the men in the country may end up being sued.

Feminist activist Supensri Pungkoksung of the Friends of Women Foundation said amending the law was not enough and costs should be abolished for women because many faced financial difficulties when they took their husbands to court.

Chatrarat Kaewmorakot,

Sucheera Pinijparakarn

The Nation

Increasing amounts of Shanghainese residents are employing spies to spy on prospective spouses of their presumably spoilt sprogs.

Detectives will look into a potential spouse’s education, criminal record, finances, family background, health and even talk to friends and co-workers to learn about the person’s personality. An investigation usually lasts one to two weeks depending on the client’s requirements.

The parents say they want to find the dull and sycophantic ‘Mr. Predictable’ with a ‘stable salary’ “right� person for their children, and George Huang, a spokesperson for Shanghai Tondorer Private Detective Company, quipped that the “parents just hope to see their children make the right choices�.

Liu Jun, a Shanghai psychologist, said online dating and chatting had weakened people’s ability to trust each other.

We think that the world has gone mad and another attempt to ‘fast-track’ marriages isn’t the best idea for the future of society. But Shanghaiist is no psychologist, and certainly no parent, so what do we know. This does however give us an idea for a romantic-comedy in which the spy inadvertantly falls in love with the woman he has been spying on — with hilarious results. We even have an original name — “The Spy Who Loved Me�. Ka-ching!

BY HEATHER POLLOCK
Knight Ridder Newspapers

It’s the moment you’ve been dreading for the past week: your big algebra exam. You squirm anxiously in your seat as you wait for the test to drop onto your desk. You haven’t studied, but it’s no big deal: You know you can bluff your way through.

Your teacher says to begin. You pick up your pencil, ready to answer the first question — but you’re completely stumped. Clueless, you nervously look at the paper of the kid next to you, and start to copy his answers. You leave the classroom an hour later feeling somewhat guilty. However, your guilt is soon overcome by a feeling of relief — you might have actually passed.

As students, we are all too familiar with this type of situation. Cheating on tests has become too much of a norm. Students don’t see a problem with cheating because they think everyone does it. And unfortunately, it seems as though almost everyone does do it.

Not only do we see cheating in schools but also in relationships or at work. Pop culture is full of cheaters. Tabloid headlines gleefully note which celebrity is cheating on his or her spouse.

Politicians do it, parents do it, why shouldn’t teens? Society has become accustomed to taking shortcuts and lowering the bar for integrity.

I witnessed an almost identical situation to the aforementioned instance recently in my English class. We were being tested on a book we were reading. Once the tests had been passed out, I looked around. I felt a lack of surprise when I noticed at least six or seven students get out a little cheat sheet and reference it under their seats throughout the entire test.

Not only does this act of dishonesty disappoint me, but it also angers me. Yes, my school has a zero-tolerance cheating policy, so students should obviously abide by it. Right?

Of course. But I think there’s a bigger picture here: Are students really that desperate to achieve that they are forced to cheat? Are they so lazy and unmotivated that they can’t study for a test? Is their self-confidence really that low that they don’t think they can pass without cheating in some way? The answers to these questions remain murky.

Students may feel obligated to cheat not only because they want to succeed in the easiest way possible, but they also believe that honor and ethics are things of the past.

It’s possible that students and people everywhere don’t see a problem with cheating because society and the media have exposed it and made it seem justifiable. For example, after the Clinton scandal, most of his supporters were still on his side. They excused his cheating as a personal matter. If your president is dishonest, then …

I’m not saying that I’m perfect or that I’ve never cheated. In fact, I’m pretty sure almost everyone has, but that doesn’t come close to justifying it. I once wrote the answers on my hand for a history test in seventh grade, and my teacher caught me red-handed — literally. Because this teacher was one of my absolute favorites, there were no words to describe how ashamed, embarrassed and regretful I immediately felt. My excuse for cheating: I had forgotten to study, but I wanted to keep my straight A’s. I thought cheating would help me achieve that. Little did I know that I was only hurting myself.

One does not learn anything by cheating, copying or simply not doing one’s own work. I’m not trying to preach here, but, honestly, what’s the point in cheating? It may be a temporary solution to your problems of laziness or apathy, but how will it permanently benefit you? You haven’t learned anything or gained anything, except how to sneak a peek at someone else’s paper or minimize your handwriting to fit onto a scrap of paper. I would rather achieve in school by reading, studying and doing my own work than by cheating to slide by.

Maybe students feel the need to cheat because they feel the pressure placed upon them by parents and teachers, and even peers, is just too much to handle. This excuse is at least somewhat more realistic than the others. However, teachers and parents want students to succeed by learning on their own and simply doing the best they can.

You’ve probably heard teachers say, “I want to see your own work, not that of the person next to you” a million times, but it’s true. Your intelligence cannot be measured by your peers’ work. As for peer pressure, the same thing applies: Do you really want your fellow students thinking you’re a dishonest person? Think of how you would feel if you studied really hard for a test and students cheated off of you.

You would probably feel, well, cheated.

Premarital spying in vogue in Shanghai

SHANGHAI, Jan. 4 Residents in Shanghai are increasingly hiring detectives to investigate their prospective marriage partners before tying the knot, the Shanghai Daily reports.

A normal investigation will take one to two weeks, with detectives checking up on family background, education, criminal record, finances and health, the newspaper said. Some hired spies attempt to socialize with the person’s friends and co-workers to learn about his or her personality, and many take photographs or videos as evidence.

Some parents hire investigative services to check out their children’s fiancées, said Luo Tian, a manager at Da Shanghai Private Detective Investigation.

In a recent online poll to which 3,338 people responded, 1,908 said they would use investigative services because modern society had made people superficial and untrustworthy. The other 1,430 voters opposed them, saying marriage should be based on trust.

Liu Jun, a Shanghai psychologist, said online dating and chatting had weakened people’s ability to trust each other.

A right time to fool around?

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY

Some men cheat on their partners. So do some women. Now researchers say it is more than a wandering eye that might cause a woman to stray.
Maybe Diane Lane couldn’t help being Unfaithful it could have been her biology talking. Maybe Diane Lane couldn’t help being Unfaithful— it could have been her biology talking.
Twentieth Century Fox

Feelings of lust actually may be rooted in women’s biology, according to a small study of 38 college women to be published online Wednesday in the scholarly journal Hormones and Behavior.

Studies from the University of California-Los Angeles and the University of New Mexico-Albuquerque suggest an evolutionary tendency toward infidelity during ovulation, which is the most fertile part of the menstrual cycle. The studies suggest the propensity is more likely if women don’t view their partners as sexy.

“Something biologically wakes up around high fertility and says, ‘Is your romantic partner the best sexual partner for you, given that you’re likely to conceive?’ ” says Martie Haselton, assistant professor of communication and psychology at UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution, and Culture.

Along those evolutionary lines, men more than women desire a variety of sexual partners because genes carrying that trait were passed along in men, Haselton says.

Women tend to be choosier, she says.

Previous research has found that women at midcycle report greater sexual attraction to men other than their partners. That is a result of the ancestral belief that good looks often equal good genes for offspring, so although the partner may be a good long-term mate and represent sought-after qualities in a father, a more physically attractive man may spark desire in ovulating women, she says.

“Those with stable but relatively unattractive guys are particularly attracted to other men at midcycle,” says Steven Gangestad, a psychology professor at New Mexico who helped analyze the data. “If a sexy guy is the primary partner, they don’t show the effect. This is about the men.”

Women don’t intend to feel attracted to others, Haselton says. “It’s a natural thing for women to kind of look around, and every once in a while to feel attracted to someone other than their partner. It does not mean the relationship is in peril.”

Study subjects completed questionnaires every day for 35 days in which they assessed their feelings and experiences as well as reporting how their partners behaved toward them. Most, but not all, reported having a partner.

Gangestad says men who aren’t necessarily tuned in to their partners’ cycles somehow are still aware that their ovulating women might stray. During such times, unattractive men were more attentive and possessive, but attractive guys didn’t shift their behavior, the women reported.

A second study involving 43 coeds who report their feelings during high and low points of fertility supports the findings.

Because both studies are small samples of students in relationships of varying seriousness, Gangestad says, the findings can be generalized only to the college population. Further study would be needed to say whether the findings apply to married couples or those in longer-term relationships.

“Haselton is not saying, ‘Go fool around on your guys in the middle of the month,’ ” says Daniel Fessler, director of the UCLA center. “She’s saying, ‘Women have changes in what they’re attracted to in ways that are predictable.’ “