The Monitor (Kampala)
August 31, 2006

UGANDA’S Abstinence, Be faithful and Condom use (ABC) strategy has failed to effectively prevent extra marital infidelity and HIV risk in marriages, a new research has shown.

The research titled, The Intragenic Risk: The effects of Uganda’s ABC programme on marital HIV Risk, found out that ABC messages about sexual risk may be intentionally configuring peoples reputation, but not preventing them from engaging in extra marital sex outside their marriage.

The research was conducted by Ms Ashanti Parikh, the Assistant Professor for African Anthropology at Washington University.

It was conducted in Uganda, Mexico, Nigeria, Papua New Gunea and Ghana.

Ashanti presented her research findings on August 23 during a public seminar at the Institute for Public Health Mulago in Kampala,

She said it will be published in the American Journal next month.

The research said, “Some form of extra marital sex is going underground and it’s interfering with safe sex practices.”

Ashanti said, globally married women have higher risk of HIV infections than unmarried women with multiple partners.

She said about 90 per cent of HIV infections had occurred among married women.

“Globally, HIV infections rates among married women are growing faster. This is because many people get married but remain sexually active outside,” Ashanti said.

“Therefore we cannot tell people to be faithful without changing the structures that facilitate extra marital liaisons.”

The research indicated said, “The ABC programme is just helping in certain cases where girls and boys are in critical economic hardships. If they were working it would be okay.”

ABC is based on individual choices and choices are structured by other factors such as inheritance, gender inequality and cultural behavior.

Ashanti criticised the government and non governmental organisations for grossly neglecting funding of HIV research projects in the member countries.

“The trend of prevention by many partner organisations are moving away from conducting researches,” Ashanti said.

She urged the government to promote female income generating activities, regulate developments of places of extramarital liaisons like lodges, drinking places and hotels.

Ashanti also recommended that voluntary counseling and testing among the married and unmarried couples should be strengthened by the government.

Some experts have credited the vigorous ‘ABC’ prevention strategy for helping to reduce HIV prevalence rate in Uganda throughout the 1990s.

Toronto Star Reports:
Aug. 26, 2006. 10:11 AM
ELLIE

Q I knew he was married but didn’t expect to fall in love with him. Now I wish I could turn back the clock. I’d never do this again. It’s so wrong. He’s unhappy, I’m unhappy, but we both have obligations. I’m married, too. Please give me some directions where to go with this. I have an abusive husband who’s also a drunk. My lover has a wife who doesn’t want anything to do with romance, so he’s so lonely. So am I, and I love him so much, most times.

Lost

A My “directions” are for you to take the fastest and shortest route to get to a counsellor and look at options for improving or changing your marriage. Of course, you want to have a better life than one that includes abuse, and you cannot accept that the abuse continues. However, your affair has been only a “detour” — a delaying tactic for facing up to what you need to do. You and your lover both chose the seemingly easy path of escapism in each other’s arms. You wanted to avoid the hard work of dealing with those obligations you mention, which would mean looking to your own partners, stating your needs, acknowledging the others’ needs as well as their flaws and trying to get some help. Now you’ve discovered that the easy way comes with its own heartache, disappointments and roadblocks. Hopefully, you see the light now to go toward the only truly satisfying goal, which is to take charge of your life, starting with where you live. Once you’ve settled whether there’s hope for your husband to change or the need to leave him, you’re free to seek a new relationship. But by then, you’ll want one in which the other person has done the necessary work to be free, too.

By Judith Duffy, Health Correspondent
www.sundayherald.com

IT could be viewed as an innocent chat in cyberspace, but sending e-mails late at night and revealing personal details of your life are signs of betraying your partner, according to new research.

Psychologists from Glamorgan University have carried out an investigation to try and define the point at which online exchanges are perceived as emotional infidelity.

The study revealed that sending messages late at night and revealing intimate information are the key factors that will cause your partner to believe you are having a virtual affair.

The popularity of websites such as Friends Reunited and dating chatrooms have been blamed for helping to fuel a rise in divorces in recent years.

According to leading counselling group Relate, one in 10 people seeking help from them now complain about the impact of the internet on their relationship.

Dr Martin Graff, psychology lecturer at the Glamorgan University, said there was now the potential for people to engage in “virtual� infidelity alongside face-to-face relationships, yet the issues around this had not been explored.

“I guess we have a definition of sexual infidelity, but this involves more emotional infidelity and we just wanted to see what people thought,� he said. “Chatting online is fine, but where do people start seeing it as not quite right?�

The research, which will be presented at a British Psychological Society conference next month, asked a group of men and women in their early 20s to judge varying scenarios involving internet communication and rate what they believed constituted online infidelity.

Certain factors were deemed to be irrelevant, such as whether the correspondence was through e-mail or instant messaging services or the gender of the person who initiated the online conversation.

But Graff said: “People who interacted online later at night were perceived as possibly more unfaithful than those who interacted during the day. I guess it is seen as being more surreptitious if you are online late into the night.

“The amount you disclose to people is also generally perceived as being a lot more unfaithful, as it signals a degree of intimacy with someone.�

Denise Knowles, a counsellor for 16 years with Relate, said that a major problem with the internet was that it could cause a distance in relationships.

“The time spent on the internet is time spent away from the primary relationship,� she said. “A few people have said to me that when their partner is doing this and they are talking to other men or women on the internet, it is almost as if they are having an affair where the third party is under their roof.

“Because they are sitting in the corner of the room – or worse, in their bedroom – it is very intrusive and they can often feel quite violated.�

Knowles pointed out another difficulty was that often the person who was carrying out the internet activities was unaware of the harm it was causing.

“People say ‘I don’t know what you are going on about, I haven’t actually seen the person and I don’t intend to’,� she said. “But the real problem is the fact that there is time being spent talking and sharing intimacies with somebody else that really ought to be shared with your partner.�

20 August 2006

Plaid politician was phone pest

Aug 19 2006

Robin Turner, Western Mail

A MARRIED Plaid Cymru councillor yesterday pleaded guilty to making 109 silent telephone calls to an accountant with whom he had been having an affair.

Rhodri Thomas, 51, made many of the calls from the Plaid Cymru office at Swansea’s County Hall, magistrates in the city were told.

Andrew Fouracre, prosecuting, said father-of-three Thomas had been involved in an affair with accountant Kathryn Halliday from 1999 to 2003.

In January 2005, she started receiving silent telephone calls to her Swansea home, from where she also worked.

Mr Fouracre said, “They were being received from the Plaid Cymru office in County Hall.

“Police, in view of the victim’s previous relationship with the defendant, questioned him and he admitted that the calls were made by him.”

Thomas, of Sketty, Swansea, a former teacher and now a political assistant, admitted harassment.

Mr Fouracre said the 109 silent calls were made over a period of about 16 months.

He pointed out that as little as two unwarranted telephone calls could constitute a harassment charge.

Thomas’s family, which includes two grown-up children, was said to be “not impressed but standing by him”.

Mr Fouracre said, “The effect on the victim was to make her nervous and particularly anxious about answering the telephone. It affected her, her husband and her children, and it damaged her family life.”

The magistrates gave Thomas a two-year conditional discharge and ordered him to pay £50 prosecution costs. They also imposed a restraining order on him, preventing him going near a certain house in Sketty, Swansea.

The order also prevents him from contacting Kathryn Halliday in any way, either by telephone, letter or electronic means.

Peter Martin, defending, said his client was highly regarded both professionally and socially.

He said, “His remorse is complete and unequivocal.

“The real punishment for him in this case is the embarrassment of having to come to court.

“He is a married man with three children, two of whom are grown up, and the proceedings have been very distressing for his family, although he is clear that it has been brought about by is own actions.

“It seems the relationship he embarked on did not end overnight. Both parties recognised it needed to end and, at differing times, they endeavoured to do so.

“Eventually the relationship gradually came to its end.”

Mr Martin said Thomas made many of the phone calls to an answering machine at the victim’s home, so it was not a case of her “picking up 109 times”.

He said his client made the calls with the intention of speaking but on hearing her voice at the other end of the phone decided he could not have the conversation.

Mr Martin said, “The intent was not malicious and the calls ended in March of this year, and he has promised never to contact her again.”

Mr Martin said of Thomas, who is of previous good character, “You will not see this man before a court again.”

And he added that when Thomas was first interviewed by police he had confessed, “It was me, I made the calls.”

The magistrates were given a number of testimonials on Thomas’s behalf yesterday. Mr Martin said the authors of the testimonials were extremely surprised to find he had been involved in a court case.

After the case yesterday, the councillor said of his future on Swansea Council, “I have told my colleagues of the proceedings. The matter is now with them.”

Last night, the leader of the Plaid Cymru group on Swansea Council, Darren Price, said of Thomas, who represents the Cockett ward, “The legal process has now finished and as far as I am concerned it is the end of the matter.

“I do not feel his actions have compromised his role as a councillor or politician.

“This was entirely a private and personal matter.”

In Minnesota, massage therapists can touch, but they better not touch

Sunday, August 13, 2006
By Jon Tevlin, Star Tribune

MINNEAPOLIS — LaRae Lundeen Fjellman likes to think her massage and alternative health business in Lindstrom, Minn., has a small-town touch. She knows most of her clients personally and often gives them presents, such as flowers or banana bread, on special occasions. But when she got too close to one of them and fell for former client Kirk Fjellman, who was divorcing his wife, she was surprised to learn that Minnesota bans massage therapists from having sexual relations with former clients for two years.

Kirk says his ex-wife reported the new Ms. Fjellman to state officials in 2004. Now, the state is seeking to fine and possibly prohibit Ms. Fjellman from practicing in Minnesota for having sex with someone who has become her husband.

“There’s no harm, no victim,” Mr. Fjellman said. “What’s this about?”

The case, which is before a judge and may be decided this month, could have implications for the private lives of an array of alternative health care providers — and anyone who has ever had a crush on a yoga instructor, acupressurist or even someone selling 10-minute back rubs at a mall.

Documents filed by the Department of Health say the therapist clearly violated an unusual state law passed by the Legislature in 2000. Ms. Fjellman does not deny she violated the statute, but says she didn’t know it existed.

Because the case is in litigation and sealed, state officials cannot discuss it, said Tom Hiendlmayr, director of the Health Occupations Program.

Mr. Fjellman’s ex-wife is not named in the documents and could not be reached.

Mr. Hiendlmayr said the statute is “part of an umbrella law to protect consumers” from unlicensed alternative care practitioners, ranging from herbalists to folk remedy practitioners. The statute does not target massage therapists and there does not have to be a victim, he said.

In an argument filed to the Office of Administrative Hearings in the Health Department, the state’s lawyers said sex prohibitions are appropriate because “a therapeutic relationship exists between the massage therapist and the client, and inherent in that relationship is a power differential.”

The state supported its arguments with excerpts from “The Ethics of Touch,” a respected industry guideline for practitioners. But the book’s author, Ben Benjamin, said in an interview that some of that text was taken out of context.

“If she’s sleeping with the guy while he’s a client, it’s unethical,” Mr. Benjamin said. “But if they liked each other and something happened over time, you can’t fault that. Had this behavior occurred anywhere else besides Minnesota, it wouldn’t be an issue.”

Mr. Fjellman is a licensed chemical dependency counselor and says he is fully aware of boundary issues; in fact, he is not allowed to date his current or past clients.

The state does not ordinarily initiate investigations, but it was obligated to act when it received the complaint from the ex-wife, Mr. Hiendlmayr said. But Susan Gallagher, an attorney for Mr. Fjellman, said the state should exercise discretion in such cases. The state, she said, is seeking to restrict the couple’s “right to fall in love, get married and do what all married people do.”

It is not clear how the two-year ban became law in 2000. Since then, the department has received 80 complaints against “complementary and alternative health care” practitioners, 30 of those against massage therapists, according to Mr. Hiendlmayr.

Ms. Fjellman began seeing her future husband at her business, the Balanced Body, in Lindstrom in October 2000 for numbness in his arms. He continued as a client until May 2002. The Fjellmans said in an interview they never had sexual relations during that time, though they acknowledged occasionally having lunch and attending a class together. They also helped drive a mutual friend to another state, which included overnight stays at hotels, they said.

“To tell you the truth, we weren’t attracted to each other physically,” Ms. Fjellman said.

“I always preferred skinny minnies,” Mr. Fjellman said. “LaRae is more full-figured.”

Both say their marriages were on the rocks and heading toward divorce. He eventually moved into an apartment, and a month after last seeing her as a client, she moved in with him as a roommate for “financial reasons,” they say.

The couple say they began dating in July 2002 and first had sex that fall. They became engaged in March 2003 and married in September of that year. Mr. Hiendlmayr said that even if they had waited until marriage to have sex, they would have violated the rule.

Mr. Fjellman says his ex-wife accused him of having an affair while he was a client, and gave the state bills from TGI Friday’s and hotels as proof. A transcript of the state’s interview with LaRae also dwells on their relationship while he was a client.

During their professional relationship, LaRae said, she gave Kirk flowers on the anniversary of his sobriety, and often gave small gifts to clients. He gave her a magazine subscription and a $100 gift certificate after learning clients usually tip their therapists, which he had not.

The state, however, cites the exchanges as further “boundary issues,” and contends that taking tips is unethical because of “transference,” a process in which trust in the practitioner leads to increased reliance and vulnerability.

Les Sweeney, president of the Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals, said, however, that tipping “is the norm.” Mr. Sweeney calls Minnesota’s rule “overbearing.”

“I didn’t see that Minnesota has a waiting period on purchasing guns,” he said.

Ms. Gallagher said that if the administrative law judge hearing the case can’t decide on its constitutionality or rules against Ms. Fjellman, the next step is the State Court of Appeals.

The ethics of therapy

Rules for licensed and unlicensed health care practitioners vary widely among the various professions and states. Hospitals or providers often have stricter rules. Generally, the larger the power imbalance between practitioner and client, and the more vulnerable the client, the stricter the rules. Here are general guidelines:

Psychiatrists: It is never proper for psychiatrists to have sexual relations with a current or former patient whose treatment involved psychotherapy.

Social workers: The professional code prohibits sex with former clients, with a few exceptions in which the social worker has a burden to prove there has been no coercion.

Physicians and nurses not involved in psychotherapy: No specific time limits for former patients. Physicians must discuss ramifications and cease treatment.

Chiropractors: In Minnesota, chiropractors must assume a client will be a patient for two years, and cannot have a sexual relationship with them during that time.

A nationwide survey reveals that more than a third of men and women have sex “rarely” or “not at all”.

Around 30 per cent make love once a week, and 24 per cent once or twice a month.

Fewer than 12 per cent claim to have sex every day or every other day.

In Scotland, one in 10 women questioned said they regarded sex as a “household chore”.

Passion is most lacking in the South West, where 45 per cent of people said they had little or no sex.

More than 16 per cent of those questioned in the north-east had sex every day or other day – but not all of them wanted to.

Twenty-three per cent of women in the region admitted having sex when they did not want to, over twice the national average.

The Welsh were wilder than most, with the highest percentage (48 per cent) having regular sex – at least once a week.

Across the nation as a whole, 18.6 per cent of those questioned said they had sex “rarely” and a further 17 per cent “not at all”.

The survey also revealed that 7.6 per cent of women in Britain often fake their orgasms.

Faking was most common in the youngest age group, between 16 and 24, and in Scotland where 9.3 per cent of women regularly pretended during sex.

Almost 36 per cent of women taking part in the survey of 1,941 adults aged 16 and over said they would like to enjoy sex more than they did.

More than 16 per cent said they found it difficult to get aroused despite finding their partner attractive.

Sex once a week was the most common pattern of sexual activity and the norm for 28 per cent of men and women.

A slightly smaller proportion, 24 per cent, said they had sex only once or twice a month.

Almost a quarter of men revealed that half their sexual advances were rejected by their partner.

The complaint was most often heard in the north-east, where just under 46 per cent of men said they were spurned half the time. This was despite the relatively high percentage of north-eastern people having frequent sex.

Men in the north-east were also nearly twice as likely as the average British man to consider having an affair if their partner constantly said “no”.

More than a third of men questioned said their partner “rarely” instigated sex.

Despite the fact that so many British men and women are having lukewarm sex lives, 92 per cent of those taking part in the survey were positive about sex. They either described it as “something wonderful to be fully enjoyed by both men and women,” or “an indication of a healthy loving relationship”.

Former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine and author Marcelle d’Argy Smith said: “Unless you’ve just fallen wildly in love, you tend to think that other people are having better sex lives. This survey shows that far from lack of interest in sex, women would like to be more sexually aroused by their partners.

“I think there is real sadness in couples that are living together, and really like each other, and yet they’re having lousy sex lives.”

The online National Relationship Survey was conducted by market researchers Tickbox for Zestra UK, a company that makes arousal aids for women.

Director Nick O’Hare said: “We have been surprised at the extent of dissatisfaction that women have when it comes to sex.”

Other findings include:

1. In London, 35 per cent of men and women rarely or never have sex, and 33 per cent of women have sex when they do not want to;

2. A total of 34 per cent of women in Yorkshire would like to enjoy sex more;

3. Wales has the lowest number of women faking orgasms (4.8 per cent);

4. The lowest percentage of people rarely or never having sex (28 per cent) live in the East;

5. Scotland has the highest number of women who find it difficult to get aroused despite finding their partner attractive (21 per cent);

6. In the Midlands, 38 per cent of women rarely or never instigate sex;

7. More than a quarter of men in the North West (27 per cent) would consider having an affair if their partner said no to sex for six months;

8. Forty-one per cent of women in the South West are “not enjoying sex enough”.

The Sunday Mail reports:

I’m safer than having affairs

August 06, 2006 12:00am
Article from: The Sunday Mail (Qld)

YOU would never believe I was a sex worker if you saw me in the street. I certainly do not fit the typical profile that most people associate with sex workers.
I have a very “girl next door” look, and am an attractive woman in my 30s, with not a tattoo in sight.

But despite this, sex is how I’ve been earning my living for the past five years.

I started working in a parlour when I was 31 to repay debts incurred from living overseas. The idea was to work until the debt was repaid, then go back to the normal workforce, in administration again.

I remember just knowing I could do it, even though I was by no means a promiscuous person. I had only had a handful of boyfriends in my life but somehow I knew I could separate emotions from sex.

The parlour was my “learning curve”, and then I moved on to working privately, which is completely different. Working from home entails being responsible for how you run your business – from advertising, to telephone manner and, of course, how you treat clients.

You have to be comfortable being alone because working privately is very isolating. Although I have never experienced any form of violence, the fact is a woman working alone in the sex industry is at risk. I try to minimise that risk by only working day-time hours and will only take a booking when I have the client’s phone number.

Although I have seen clients of all ages, the most typical profile is a married man in his 40s or 50s. These men view going to a sex worker as a better and safer option than having an affair. Most say that regular sex is not part of their marriage any more, yet they still have needs.

I have to say that women who have gone off the boil do seem to be a major problem in a lot of marriages.

Obviously, there are the usual reasons why some women do not regard sex as a priority, including demanding careers, children, financial stress and menopause.

But they need to realise that sex is still important to their men, and if they do not get their needs met at home, they will go elsewhere. It’s as simple as that.

I would also venture to say that the wives are not attracted to their husbands in a lot of cases, as most clients I see have definitely let themselves go.

I have pretty much seen it all in terms of ugly men and don’t blame the wives for not wanting to have sex with them. You have to have a strong stomach in this job, and I often say to people I should have been a nurse or a doctor because I’ve seen some revolting sights.

I turn the fat people away now and won’t have sex with anyone over 67 or 68 because I don’t think it’s appropriate and it is beyond my comfort zone.

I will only make an exception if I am having a particularly quiet week. Then I try to switch off and get on with it.

At the other end of the age scale, I am also visited by teenagers, and some look so young that I have to check that they are legal. They are inexperienced and think they can learn things from me. They are frightened by today’s girls, who know exactly what they want from men.

Although it is very rare that I enjoy the sexual side of my job, it has happened. Most clients I do not find attractive, but some are stunning and I cannot help but like them.

Many of the good-looking men say they come to me because they find women hard work and don’t want to be bothered with taking a girl out and talking to her, they just want easy and safe sex. In those instances, I allow myself to feel the sexual energy.

Some men will try to push the boundaries and ask for more intimate services, such as kissing. I know some workers do offer intimate services but for me kissing is such a truly intimate and almost sacred part of being with someone, so I couldn’t imagine doing it with clients.

If you give every part of your sexual being to clients, then you will have nothing left for your personal life.

As for my own relationships, I won’t ever have a partner while I’m doing this work because it is too difficult for me to deal with.

But when I first started, I was amazed by how many women are married with children or have boyfriends. There are men who are able to tolerate it. They may not always like it but they put up with it for the sake of having some extra money coming in.

There is a misconception in society that prostitutes are people who have no choice because they are desperate for money. Most of us have one thing in common: greed.

Everyone comes into the job wanting the investment property or the flash car and they think that they can achieve it. They think sex is a short-cut to achieving the things that other people get by working hard for years.

Very few sex workers actually achieve what they set out to. It is difficult to save money when each week is so variable. That is why I believe the smarter sex workers are the ones who only work part-time and still maintain regular work.

I do regret the length of time spent in this industry because the longer I am in it, the harder it is to move on. You gradually lose your previous work skills and you wonder what you can do and if you will be employable again.

I certainly do not feel like a victim, though, far from it. It was entirely my choice to become involved in this industry – it’s just that now I want to feel like a part of society again.