Preventing and dealing with a spouse’s affair
By Pat Burson
Newsday
That a husband or wife would spend time and money trying to catch his or her spouse cheating “is a huge red flag that this is a relationship that’s circling the drain already,” says clinical psychologist Tom Merrill, who does relationship seminars, consulting and counseling with his wife, Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill.
The couple, who split their time between Honolulu and Phoenix, offer solutions in their new book, “Settle for More: You Can Have the Relationship You Always Wanted … Guaranteed!” (SelectBooks, $21.95).
They say spouses can head off problems in a marriage, including infidelity, by working to fuel the fire that ignited during courtship.
“We settle for less once we’re married,” Tom Merrill says. “Keep alive what you had in your courtship … by making every moment be a loving kind of moment. As soon as you start letting down on those moments, your partner doesn’t feel attracted to you in those moments, and they feel they want to step away. If they’re not honorable, then they start to plan their escape.”
If you want a relationship that’s loving, committed, connected, open, seamless and sexual, “hold yourself to the standard that you want to live in,” Sandoz-Merrill adds.
Divorce isn’t the only solution after an affair, says Manhattan psychologist Debbie Magids. “Sometimes couples counseling helps you end a bad situation or mend a broken situation,” she says. “You need to find out what happened and fix the root of the problems.”
If the marriage is to have any chance at survival, the spouse who cheated must work to regain trust. In turn, the spouse who was betrayed must resist the urge to punish or seek revenge and be willing to forgive. “Without forgiveness,” Magids says, “you can never have a marriage again.”
Before entering a new relationship, establish your own “minimum standard of care” list with what you must have (honesty and monogamy, say) and won’t tolerate (your mate being too chummy with an old flame), says Danine Manette, author of “Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing With Infidelity” (Square One, $12.95).
“Write it down so you can refer back to it,” she says. “Not only will it help you evaluate your partner and your relationships, it also will help you evaluate yourself and what is healthy.”