Are your instincts telling you that your spouse may be gay?
Are your instincts telling you that your spouse may be gay? Pain and confusion have you at a stand still. You need answers today.
We chose to bring light to this subject on our website because we receive enough calls from spouses all over the country who are suffering with the uncertainty and sheer devastation that is the result of feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from their spouse, who may be gay. We want to stress that you are not alone. Many a faithful spouse has had suspicions that their spouse is gay, or even worse, fears that they may be acting upon sexual urges with someone of the same sex.
“The Centers for Disease Control (and Prevention), CDC, estimates that 4 million women have been involved in relationships with men that have had sex with other men. That’s a big number, a very big number.”
Unfortunately, I have to preface the following by saying that the intention of this page is not to offer you definitive signs of your spouses orientation, as most actions that are viewed suspiciously can be rationally explained. Our intention is to try and offer you some comfort in knowing that many of our clients have experienced the same worries when they were uncertain if their spouse was gay, and also to offer some recommendations as far as reaching some sort of resolution. Our clients with similar concerns have not only survived the truth, they prospered and went on to have very gratifying, tender and compassionate relationships with their gay spouse, especially when children were involved.
“According to the Family Pride Coalition, 20 percent of all gay men in America are in heterosexual marriages, and 50 percent of all gay men in America have fathered children.”
Here are some concerns that have been voiced by our clients:
- He has this new “best friend” that he talks to and about all the time.
- He is becoming overly fashion conscience when he never cared before.
- I found gay porn sites when I checked the history on the computer.
- I found text messages that seem to be kind of suggestive from a male coworker.
- He wants to try new things in the bedroom that he never seemed interested in before.
- He wants me to talk about my sexual fantasies that involve my having threesomes with other men.
This list goes on and on as every situation is unique, but the point is that your instincts are telling you something and you should pay close attention. Any of the observations above would make a spouse suspicious, while at the same time, any one of these things could be completely harmless. In and of themselves, they are not reliable when trying to determine whether or not your spouse is gay. Because red flags can also be benign, you should refrain from making accusations until you have firm proof. The lack of proof is why this is likely to be the most emotionally draining time for the faithful spouse. There is no definitive answer for the suspecting spouse. Short of hearing a confession from your spouse, there is no way to know for sure.
Many gay spouses contemplate suicide as a means of sparing their family the pain and suffering that may occur if the truth is discovered.
Let’s consider the gay spouse for a moment. What makes them stay? What makes them lie? What makes them hide in the closet?
The short answer is their undying devotion to you, your children, his parents, his job and his entire lifestyle. Studies and research shows that some men really have no concept of their homosexuality until later on life. Some men have inklings but are confused as to what they mean or how much attention they should give those feelings. Can you imagine the immense anguish felt by the gay spouse knowing that the person to whom they pledged to care for, protect, and partner with for the rest of their lives will be shattered if this secret is discovered?
The gay spouse believes they will lose everything, most of all your love, respect, affections, admiration from their children, the pride felt from their parents, life long friendships, and status in their careers.
Society is slowly becoming more accepting of the gay lifestyle, but until the threat of having very human needs withheld from them becomes lessened, gay people will continue to struggle to uphold the picture of what a traditional marriage is thought to be.
What can I do if I believe that my spouse may be gay?
There are several things that you can do to help in resolving this painful situation. If you don’t have a close and communicative marriage and you feel that simply asking your spouse is not an option, consider spousal surveillance.
Spousal surveillance is a service available to anyone in doubt of their relationship. It means that we will follow your spouse and report their activities to you through written reports and video/DVD. In most cases, this is the only option since the gay partner is not exhibiting any clear patterns or signs. If you are unsure of when this behavior may be happening, consider a time when your spouse may be traveling alone, or left home alone while you’re traveling. The gay spouse is not likely to take unnecessary risks knowing that they will be free to act on these impulses while you or they are far from home.
You might also consider computer monitoring equipment on your shared home computer. This causes a record of web sites and pages to be saved and viewed later. Many clients have been able to determine that their spouse has created profiles on numerous social sites, some geared toward gay individuals.
Pay close attention to calls made and received on your spouses phone. If your spouse is experimenting with or involved in same sex relationships, it’s unlikely that they will leave their phones unlocked and accessible to you, however, if that is not the case, and you have seen numbers that are questionable to you, call them. Block your number and make that call. You may find that your spouse is contacting escort services or other unsavory businesses.
Finally, get yourself a good counselor. More than anything now you need strength to continue to function day to day. You need some peace, clarity and support in navigating these uncertain waters and you’ll need support when and if you’re worst fears are confirmed. Even if your suspicions are eventually determined to be unfounded, you may want to examine your relationship to find out what is or may be lacking that caused this distance and uncertainty in the first place.
I just don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Obviously there is trouble in your relationship. No matter the outcome of your quest for answers, you cannot continue on the current path. Eventually the stress of the situation will take its toll on every area of your life and will also start to affect your children. You deserve answers and the confidence that comes with those answers, whatever they may be.
If you feel that your spouse may be gay, call ASG today at (888) 677-9700. A consultation is free and completely confidential.