Is infidelity only about sex?

Joy Crawford
The Jamaica Observer

Monday, June 27, 2005

Is infidelity only about sex? Is it different between the sexes? Are men unfaithful for different reasons than women are?

Men and women view infidelity differently. For women, infidelity is usually a life-long thing. They take it personally and, often, their relationship is irrevocably harmed by the knowledge that their man has been unfaithful. Men, on the other hand, view so-called infidelity as no big thing. As my good friend Dr Aggrey Irons explained many years ago, men perceive it as fidelity versus loyalty.

A man can be unfaithful by sleeping with fifty or even a hundred other woman but the problem arises when he is disloyal, meaning he is ready to make a commitment to another woman. In fact, to take this theory to its natural conclusion, a woman is in a better position if a man has several dalliances with faceless women than if he has one steady other woman with whom he spends all his time and lavishes her with trinkets.

When I was younger, I used to literally die at the thought that my man could ever, ever want to stray, much less do so. Eventually I realised that what men do with their bodies is recreational. I cannot say that I like it, but I have learnt to understand it. However, I certainly don’t want to know about it. It is not so much a fool’s paradise as much as acceptance of the things that one cannot change. As a result, I have embraced the Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.”
It seems that, since time immemorial, women have had to endure infidelity. Our Victorian predecessors openly embraced their husbands having bed wenches because it gave them a break from the rigours of sex. Our eastern counterparts are resigned to be one of many wives. They have accepted what is.

But why do people stray? Men do it maybe because it is expected of them. Some view monogamy as an unnatural phenomenon and feel very little remorse about sampling other fare. They want variety. They want to constantly feel desired and desirable, even if they have paunches and receding hairlines.

Men are having it good now. In fact, Levitra, Cialis and Viagra are doing booming business. Men have acquired a new lease on life. For them, there is indeed life after impotence.

So men will see a nubile, young thing and simply rise to the occasion. They are not, at that time, thinking about how much they love their wife or woman. In fact, if one were to take the time to ask them, one would find that they do love their wives.
Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is merely raging hormones and male pride, misplaced as that might be.
A man is able to love his wife and still find the time and energy to service another woman. It is simply business, no tugging at the heart-strings. For a man, infidelity is usually only about sex, hence Aggrey’s theory about fidelity and loyalty. (I am, however, not for one moment, saying that some men don’t stray when their relationship has problems, like the wife not wanting to have sex.)

As women, we may not like it but we have to learn to try and cope with it, since we can’t accept it. And I do not subscribe to the philosophy that two can play. This tit-for-tat business has never worked, but it all depends on what you, as a woman, are looking for.

Women, on the other hand, are unfaithful because they are usually hurt and looking for companionship. The average man who plays usually makes the mistake of not doing his homework. He neglects his wife.

He is usually so absorbed in his sexual callisthenics that he has nothing left for home. That causes a strain because his woman will, invariably, pick up on something and the closeness they once shared is severely compromised to the point that she will find comfort elsewhere, often by just confiding in one of the opposite sex, and, voila, an affair begins. The thing about it is that very few women can just have sex with a man. When the average woman has sex, the man is usually getting everything she has.

Far too many men lose women they never planned to lose to another man because they don’t get it. When a woman is unfaithful, her emotional being is usually engulfed with the other man. There are so many men who play the field and have friends keeping their wife company only to realise that those friends take over.

When will we ever learn? Perhaps never; but women need to take control of their emotional lives and try to understand their men better, for like it or not, they are all we have. We can’t live without them, or can we?

Joy Crawford is an attorney-at-law.