Information about how surveillance is conducted and what you can expect from the private investigators efforts.

Signs of Husband’s Infidelity are Everywhere

By AMANDA PALLESCHI
Published April 20, 2007
tampabay.com

Deborah Joswig did a double take when she saw her name inside a gigantic heart on a billboard along a busy street.

“Deborah & Eric Joswig. Always & Forever,” the billboard read. “Ephesians 5:25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church.”

She begged her husband to turn around so she could get another look.

That billboard, put up in September on Ulmerton Road in Largo, was the first of six in the Tampa Bay area.

There was one for her birthday in December.

There was one on Tampa’s John F. Kennedy Boulevard, which Deborah first saw lit up at midnight, on Valentine’s Day.

Now, there’s one on State Road 60 in Brandon.

For Eric, the billboards are the ultimate public confession that he cheated on his wife for almost a decade.

They’re meant to show his ex-buddies that he still loves the woman he married nearly 27 years ago.

But as the number of billboard’s grew, Deborah rolled her eyes.

“I said, ‘No more, no more,’ ” she said. “He does one nice thing and then you say, ‘Is it something you can believe in, or is it just a game?’ ”

A secret life

Though his wife sometimes questions his sincerity, Eric Joswig insists he’ll spend the rest of his life showing that he loves her and that he’s sorry.

The six billboards cost him nearly $10,000, but years of infidelity nearly cost him his marriage.

While Deborah was busy being a mother and working full time, Eric was busy working in construction.

His lunch hours, he said, were spent having sex with women he’d met at traffic lights while riding his motorcycle or at bars.

By his count, there were seven to 10 partners in one five-year span. He said he stopped having affairs 10 years ago, but didn’t come clean until Deborah got suspicious.

“It was a secret that ate me up inside,” he said. “I wasn’t respecting my wife and my marriage.”

Their marriage had been rife with troubles even before he revealed the affairs.

For years, Eric was a different person in public than the fun, caring father he was at home, Deborah said.

“If we went to an event together, he’d tell me to go away. He’d put his arm around other women and tell dirty jokes,” she said. “It was like I wasn’t his wife.”

The two clashed over their construction business. At work and home, the most burdensome jobs were left to Deborah.

“He resented that I was just not the woman that he could tell to sit and behave,” she said.

Then, three years ago, Deborah heard Eric take a coworker’s call. “It’s just a business call,” he told his wife, but she thought otherwise.

Little by little, the truth began coming out, Deborah said.

Eric confessed to her a year ago that the woman on the phone that day hadn’t been the only one. They began seeing a marriage counselor and a therapist. Now, she combs through his past with questions in her mind.

Old day planners tell her when he took off work to see another woman. She looks at pictures of them smiling with their daughters and thinks, Was he really happy on that ski trip? Was he looking for something out there?

Starting over

In August, they closed the business and are now planning to move to their 400-acre ranch in Ocala. It will take the rest of his life to finally be a good husband, Eric said.

Leaving a successful construction business is a small gesture on the path to redemption.

“Nothing else matters in life except my marriage now,” he said. “If you can lie to your wife, how the hell could anybody else in the world trust you?”

For many years, Eric didn’t give friends and co-workers reason to trust him, either, he said.” A lot of people know the rotten side of me that my wife didn’t know,” Eric said.

That includes former colleagues who knew about – and condoned – his infidelity. The billboards, Eric said, were also aimed at them. “These are the people who need to know that I’m no longer who I was. I want them to know that my wife is not a fool and the only reason we’re still together is by her grace.”

The women he once slept with need to know it too, he said. That’s why there’s now a billboard in Brandon.

It’s miles from the Joswigs’ Seminole home, but near where some of the other women live.

He said he’ll continue to put up billboards for special occasions, persevering just as he did when he first noticed Deborah working at a Kmart back in high school near Pittsburgh.

“Please don’t think my wife has forgiven me. I devastated her,” he said. “But we are finding each other again.”

For Deborah, the billboards aren’t a quick cure-all. Repairing their marriage is an ongoing process, she said. She sees the billboards as a public-service announcement. “We are coming out and letting people know it’s okay to move on from something like this and fix it,” she said.

Eric, Deborah said, is now a different person than the man who hurt her so many times.

He has removed himself from the places and people that brought him down and worked on finding himself and his faith in God. “I’ve seen him change,” she said. “Why should I leave him now, now that he’s trying?”

Amanda Palleschi can be reached at 661-2456 or apalleschi@sptimes.com.

Infidelity is in the Air for Road Warriors says USA Today

Infidelity is in the AirMelissa cheats on her husband on business trips but not in her hometown. “That would be lethal,” she says.

Like many frequent business travelers, she uses the protection of the road to live a secret life of romance far from spouses or partners. Their affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years. They’re usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they encounter often during repeat visits to a city.

TELL US: What do you do when you’re bored on a business trip?

“Business travel creates an opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes,” says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of Is he Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.

While no one has specifically studied business travel and infidelity, academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home. And the heightened exposure of business travelers to the possibility of infidelity increases the prospects that they and their employers could be left to air the details of their affairs in the courts or in the press.

The infidelities of traveling athletes, movie stars, musicians and other celebrities are standard tabloid fare. Joumana Kidd, the wife of NBA star Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets, for example, accused him in February in a divorce-court filing of affairs with various women in different cities.

An affair led to the downfall of former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, who worked in Chicago and was asked to resign in 2005 after he had an extramarital affair with Debra Peabody, a Washington, D.C.-based vice president at the company. Both subsequently resigned.

In December, Julie Roehm, a former senior vice president at Wal-Mart, sued the company, claiming that it had violated her contract when she was fired that month. Wal-Mart countersued, alleging that she went on business trips and violated company policy by having an affair with a married man who worked for her. Wal-Mart said it is against company policy for an employee to become romantically involved with someone he or she supervises. “Associates who violate this policy will be subject to immediate termination,” it said.

Roehm, who also is married, said she is the victim of a “smear campaign.”

Only a minority of companies have specific policies regulating workplace romance, says Mark Oldman, co-founder of Vault, a company specializing in career information. “Most employers don’t want to reach into the personal life of employees or give the perception of trying to do so.”

But some companies expressly prohibit romantic relationships between employees, says Peter Petesch, a lawyer at Ford & Harrison, a national firm specializing in labor and employment law. “In the middle of these extremes are policies that require disclosure of relationships or bar relationships between persons in a supervisor-subordinate status,” he says.

Michael Lotito, an employment lawyer at law firm Jackson Lewis, says companies could face sexual-harassment claims when workers hook up on the road. “A relationship may begin in a welcome way, but sometime in the future, one person may want it to stop,” he says. “Suddenly, the events take on a different tone.”

Workplace romance could also influence awarding of contracts and cause “economic harm” to a company, Lotito says.

Hurt vs. liability

But not all the affairs occurring during business travel involve co-workers, and most never make headlines. For many business travelers, the hurt they inflict on spouses and family usually outweighs the liability they create for employers.

Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of heterosexual marriages in the USA, according to Adrian Blow, a Michigan State University professor who is a marriage and family therapist. The studies show that more men than women are cheating, but none have specifically looked at business travelers.

That group is likely to have a higher infidelity rate, Blow and other experts say, because many factors make cheating easier. Among them: freedom from a spouse’s scrutiny and home responsibilities, more opportunities to meet new people, and the near-constant availability of alcohol at after-hour meals and social events.

Chris Arnzen of the National Institute of Marriage, a non-profit Christian counseling service, says business travel often involves competition for a sale or contract, and some people view sex as “a way to celebrate a success or soothe a defeat.” If that’s their outlook, “It sets them up for infidelity,” she says.

University of Washington sociology professor Pepper Schwartz says, for some, cheating while on the road involves less guilt.

“There seems to be a feeling,” says Schwartz, “that a fling at a convention, an interesting person met on a plane or a chance encounter is somehow more blameless than something done in one’s hometown or with a friend in one’s social circle.”

For Melissa, an affair added spice to her life and eased the loneliness of the road.

“You’re in your room alone at the end of the night and have to sleep with the remote,” she says.

She and four other frequent business travelers who have been involved in affairs on the road talked to USA TODAY about their experiences, as did the wife of one of the business travelers. Each asked to remain anonymous because of unsuspecting family members, friends and co-workers.

Melissa, who is in her 40s and has been married for more than 20 years, says every few months on business trips she sleeps in a hotel with a married man in her company who lives in another state. “It’s not necessarily healthy,” she says, “but it gives me a reason to keep going.”

Melissa says she’s in love with her co-worker and doesn’t have any guilt. She says she has a “stagnant, brother-and-sister relationship” with her husband and loves him “as the father of my children.”

She and her lover were drinking at a bar when they first were attracted to one another and realized they were more than friends.

Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says business travelers “are on a slippery slope headed for trouble” any time they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals together, have time “to build a social, platonic friendship” and return to the same hotel. “Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster; and availability lights the fire.”

Robert, a married business traveler in the Midwest, says he has three steady lovers in three cities. He says his relationship with his wife is unfulfilling. “What makes her happy doesn’t make me happy,” he says. “At home, we have one giver, me, and one taker, her. I want a synergism where you love someone, and they love you.”

Robert, in his 60s, says he hasn’t told his wife about his three lovers. He met them on the Internet, and each one is married. Two of their husbands are unaware of him, but one has an “open marriage,” he says.

When traveling, “You don’t feel so attached to family and community,” says Dan, a 48-year-old marketing executive in the Phoenix area whose affair with a client was a factor in his divorce. “Your standards and morals tend to change a bit.”

Salespeople, he says, call it the 1,000-mile rule. “Within 1,000 miles of home, you play by the rules and don’t fool around,” he says. “Beyond 1,000 miles, you can do whatever you want.”

Most affairs involve people who aren’t meeting for the first time, says Frank Pittman, an Atlanta-based psychiatrist and author of a book,Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy.

And people in certain professions —athletes, military officers, pilots, lawyers, doctors and others in “high-profile” jobs — are more prone to have affairs, says Frederick DiBlasio, a University of Maryland professor of social work and a therapist. They have fame, power or wealth, and their positions tend to attract suitors, he says.

Stephanie, a frequent business traveler who had a past affair on the road, says she’s seen married people at trade shows act “like wild animals,” usually with other business people. “Trade shows are where the most infidelities take place,” she says.

Stephanie disapproves of the many married business travelers she has seen having “one- or two-night stands” on the road. She admits, though, that she and her current husband were on business trips and had an affair while married to their first spouses. Her first husband was also having affairs on road trips and at home, she says.

Still, “I don’t think my own affair was OK,” she says.

On the road, “There’s a sense of safety and a general rationalization that what the partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them,” says psychologist Peggy Vaughan, who has a website, DearPeggy.com, for people recovering from affairs. Some business people believe “it’s the norm to have affairs on the road,” because it’s “what successful, well-traveled people do,” she says.

Vaughan and her husband, James, also a psychologist, wrote a book, Beyond Affairs, in 1980 that discusses his past affairs while traveling on business. They have been married for 51 years.

Fewer people get caught “when they restrict their affairs only to out-of-town adventures,” she says. But there’s a tendency for those who don’t get caught “to gradually increase the risks they take, including moving into the more dangerous ground of in-town affairs.”

If they get caught cheating, or admit their ways, it can devastate their family relationships.

A California-based frequent traveler, also named Robert, confessed to his wife in November that he had had two out-of-town affairs since they wed about five years ago. They are undergoing intensive marriage counseling, and it’s been an “extremely painful process” trying to rebuild their relationship, he says. Robert says he was always drunk during his affairs and realizes they were an outgrowth of his upbringing. “I was raised in an alcoholic family, and I had no discipline or obedience,” he says.

His current wife says there was also a breakdown in their relationship at home before his infidelity on the road. “The stresses and demands on our lives were overwhelming,” she says.

Robert says two of his affairs were with employees who worked for him, and it would have been detrimental to his career if his employer knew about them.

“It was a conflict of interest, and I could have been fired,” he says.

A long way in a short time

Robert and his wife believe they can put the pieces of their marriage back together. They hired Carder to counsel them and believe they’ve come a long way in a short time. Carder has, among other things, made them look for the real reasons Robert strayed and made them rediscover why they were initially attracted to one another. “The key to saving any relationship after infidelity,” Carder says, “depends on the percentage of good history a couple has shared, identification of the contributing factors and stresses surrounding the inappropriate sexual relationship, the willingness to forgive and the restoration of respect and trust.”

“I’m beyond optimistic,” Robert’s wife says. “I know my marriage is going to make it.”

Only time will tell, but many other marriages dissolve after a spouse cheats on a business trip, says infidelity expert Anne Bercht. She wrote a bookabout her husband Brian’s affair.

Many business travelers “have aged 10 years in two years,” she says, “and lost jobs, marriages, respect of children, self-respect, friends and a great amount of wealth as a result of what began as a business trip, a drink or two and some flattery.”

Let’s offer some help for the cheaters out there. What do you do when you’re bored on a business trip? Keep it clean.

What Makes People Cheat on a Spouse?

By NYDIA CONRAD
steckm@manateeglens.com

Most people either know of or have been affected in some way by infidelity. Infidelity can be physical or emotional. Physical infidelity usually involves sexual contact, but can also involve touching, kissing or other types of physical contact. Emotional infidelity can be more subtle, such as lunch dates, flirting, sharing intimate information and online chatting.

The line between casual friendships and emotional infidelity can be very difficult to distinguish. A good question to ask yourself is: “Would I be engaging in this same behavior with this person if my partner was present?” If the answer is no, then you probably should stop what you’re doing.

There are a variety of reasons why people decide to be unfaithful. Some reasons involve one’s personality. An individual may enjoy the thrill and secrecy involved with cheating; we’ll call this the “007 cheater.” These people get a rush from engaging in “the forbidden.” They seek out excitement and enjoy the risks of their double life. However, the excitement eventually wears away and they inevitably leave their affair partner.

Another personality type is the “honeymoon cheater.” This individual is trying to re-live the honeymoon period associated with new relationships. The honeymoon stage usually occurs early on and disappears as couples get to know each other and personalities clash. To the “honeymoon cheater,” the affair partner represents a new and carefree life.

However, the honeymoon period, by definition, is only temporary. Therefore as the relationship ages, conflicts emerge and the honeymoon disappears along with the affair partner.

Other reasons can involve sexual incompatibility, which can lead a partner to stray. This happens when partners have differing sexual interests and one partner decides to fulfill sexual urges outside of the relationship. Sexual problems are usually not the core issue, but tend to be symptomatic of deeper problems in the relationship.

Another reason for infidelity may be a combination of lack of communication, martial dissatisfaction and opportunity. This happens when couples have such busy lives that they almost become strangers. The person develops deeper levels of intimacy with friends and co-workers, than with their spouse. In this case, emotional infidelity is likely to develop before physical infidelity.

Whatever the cause, affairs have devastating affects on the lives of the people involved. After the affair, couples often faces the difficult decision of determining whether or not to end the relationship. Are both willing and able to overcome, forgive and trust? Without trust and forgiveness, the issue will never be resolved.

If the couple stays together, they should determine what needs to happen in order to rebuild the relationship. Some behaviors and relationships will need to be changed.

This can be a tricky situation, because often an affair partner may be someone who must be in a couple’s life (i.e. coworker). The principal question is what is the couple willing to do to save the relationship? Surviving infidelity is not something that a couple has to do alone, as there is always professional help available.

Nydia Conrad is studying for her doctorate in clinical psychology at Argosy University and counsels children and families at Manatee Glens Hospital. Manatee Glens welcomes your questions about mental health and substance abuse matters. For further information, call 782-4299.

A NEW YOU: Mental Health Minute

MENTAL HEALTH MINUTE

Woman makes kidnap claim to cover up her infidelity

She is now under arrest after police discovered that her claim was untrue

A Romanian woman who reported that she had been kidnapped and sexually abused to cover up an infidelity has been arrested by police in Alicante.

The supposed assault was reported by her Ecuadorian boyfriend in February, and later confirmed by the woman herself when questioned as part of the police investigation. She told them that her assailant was a man who had brought her to Spain some years ago with a promise of work, and had then forced her into prostitution.

The investigation determined that her claim was false, and she was taken into custody. She admitted after her arrest that she had made the story up to stop her partner discovering that she had been unfaithful.

Is Your Spouse Cheating on You? Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses

Gerry Restrivera
March 31, 2007

Unless your spouse is a ‘smart’, careful cheater, there are always tell-tale signs that he or she is being unfaithful to you. Warning signs of cheating spouses manifest themselves through changes in your spouse’s behavior and routine. These changes may be either subtle or obvious and when confronted, your spouse may either deny or dismiss it but never have an explanation for it. These could be hints or warning signs of cheating spouses.

However, changes in behavior are not always warning signs of cheating spouses, so be careful about jumping to conclusions. If your spouse has not been acting ‘normal’ lately, it could be several things: sickness, stress caused by work, problems with money your spouse doesn’t want to discuss or maybe even tame activities he or she is too embarrassed to tell you, at least for now. Remember Richard Gere’s affair with ballroom dancing in ‘Shall We Dance’?

But if your spouse has no other obvious reason for a change in behavior, cheating may be the cause. How do you tell? Here are some of the most common warning signs of cheating spouses.

One of the warning signs of cheating spouses is being too nice, all of a sudden. This is a behavior change that cheating spouses often do to assuage their feelings of guilt. By being extra nice, affectionate and attentive, they are trying to make up for the fact that they are cheating on you. It lessens the sense of culpability in a way, because you’re not being taken for granted or abandoned. It may also be a strategy to make you think everything’s okay. This sudden change is a warning signs of cheating spouses and you must recognize it.

Being too hard on you. This is another tricky warning signs of cheating spouses. Spouses who cheat on their husbands or wives develop a quick temper for no reason. Suddenly, tiny mistakes that they used to overlook or laugh off become big issues. They react negatively on everything you or your children do — something they never did before.

Being bored about everything. They find you boring, they find your house boring, they find your old friends boring, and they find everything boring. Suddenly, they prefer to do things alone or with their buddies. They exclude their families from their plans and if you ask for more information or if you could join, they become cagey and encourage you to go out on your own or with your friends.

Acting distant. Intimacy is fading or just plain gone. There’s a sudden loss of sexual interest and appetite and you get rejected for your advances more often for no reason. Be alarmed if spouses are suddenly acting distant as this maybe a warning signs of cheating spouses.

Change in grooming habits, this is sometimes a trace or warnings signs of cheating spouses. They become more careful with their looks, take more baths, put on new colognes or perfumes, buy new wardrobe. They may even suddenly get the urge to join health clubs and spend more money on cosmetics and skin care products.

Unexplained absence or time away. Unless the highway going to your house has been undergoing some serious repair, your spouse should have no reason to take hours to come home. And if they do come home late, they often try to explain it with some vague story. They may also call to tell you they’re doing overtime again, although for some reason, the extra hours don’t show up on their paycheck. They begin consuming more gas for the car and have unexplained mileage. This is a very serious warning signs of cheating spouses that you must recognize.

Also included in the warning signs of cheating spouses is unexplained spending. There are receipts for things they can’t account for, unexplained charges appear on credit card bills and more spending on things you never see.

Unexplained phone calls are also another warning signs of cheating spouses. Someone (a man or a woman) you don’t know calls your home and doesn’t identify themselves (on a touch tone phone, find out who this is by punching *69). Your spouse will talk in whispers over the phone and suddenly hang up when you appear. You’re not allowed to answer a ringing phone or strange phone numbers begin appearing repetitively on the phone bill or even on the mobile phone statement. Cheating spouses will turn off their mobile phones often, making it difficult for you to reach them.

Cheating Wives – Female Infidelity

The East African Standard (Nairobi)
COLUMN
March 3, 2007
Posted to the web March 2, 2007

By Beatrice Obwocha
Nairobi

For long, the society has tolerated married men having extramarital affairs. It is an almost forgone conclusion that a man has to cheat on his wife or partner at any one time.

This is why there are expressions like “Men are polygamous by nature”.

The traditional African society also advocated polygamy.

Today, a high number of men continue to have mistresses and often get away with a mere slap on the wrist once their wives catch them.

But there is now a worrying trend of wives cheating on their husbands. This is more common among urban women, although similar cases have been reported in the rural areas.

Caught in the act

In the West, cheating by both husbands and wives is common.

In the US, couple therapists report a 50 percent increase in female infidelity. In 2004, Newsweek magazine carried a main story detailing how wives were cheating on their husbands: “The New Infidelity: from office affairs to Internet hook-ups, more wives are cheating too,” read the title of the article.

But woe unto those who have been caught in the act in the local scene. Tales of husbands beating their wives and lovers senseless or even killing them after catching them are commonplace.

Julliet Kwamboka-Single

No, there is a reason we got married and why should l cheat to hit back? I will confront him and find a way of sorting out the problem.

But with economic empowerment, more women have become aware of “their rights” and some have mustered the art of cheating.

Some years back, women would slip into depression over their husbands’ unfaithfulness or any marital mistreatment, but today, some will spruce themselves up and go out to meet a lover.

What is the real reason behind this behaviour that is threatening to tear the marriage institution apart?

Some women told their story to Instinct under strict confidentiality.

Revenge

Daisy*, 38, decided to have an affair as a form of revenge when she discovered that her husband was cheating on her.

“I was very hurt and confronted him but he denied. After this, he went back to his mistress,” she says.

Daisy says the affair made her feel that she had “scored equally” with her husband.

“I feel triumphant. He started it, so it is tit for tat,” she says.

But Daisy is positive that her husband does not know about her dark little secret. She is sleeping with a man younger than her, which, she says, “adds to the thrill”.

No excitement in marriage

Mercy* who has been married for 10 years with three children, has been in an extra-marital affair for three years.

“I am doing this because the excitement in my marriage is dead. Everything, including lovemaking, has become a routine,” she says.

Mercy says the first five years of marriage were bliss. But after the second baby, matters took a nose-dive.

“I was a mum and a career woman. My husband was also engrossed in his job and soon, we hardly made love,” she says.

She adds that her husband no longer pays much attention to her.

“After some time, I met a married man at a friend’s wedding and the attraction was mutual.

“The man appreciates me and he is not boring. He has made me very happy and injected meaning into my life. I have no doubt that I love my husband, but I need more since I am a human being with emotions,” she says.

Mercy says she is no longer disgruntled in the bedroom because she is getting “hot loving” elsewhere.

“I believe this affair is keeping my marriage together, although I have to be very discreet because I never want my husband to find out,” she says.

Lonely

For June*, it is an issue of distance.

“My husband works in Mombasa and I live with the children in Nakuru. He rarely comes home except for a few days when he is on leave.

“I am a housewife and we have built a house in Nakuru. I cannot join my husband since we agreed that I should take care of the children and run the home,” she says.

June adds: “I did not plan to have an affair; I was lonely and most of the time, this family friend was around especially in times of emergencies. Then it sort of happened.”

She sometimes feels guilty but says having a lover helps because there are times she needs someone to talk to.

“When my husband and I converse, it is on pressing issues concerning the children or bills. There are things I cannot tell him on the phone because it is costly and time-consuming” she says.

Sex for money

Mary’s* story almost borders on the sleazy. She is having an affair with her boss because she needs money to supplement her income.

She says her husband is a casual labourer and his wages can hardly sustain the family.

“I love my husband and I would never want him to find out. He does not know how much I earn and thinks that the extra cash is out of my own sweat,” says the office clerk.

Abusive man

Nancy* says she and her husband have been having problems for some time and the tension has led her to have an affair.

“My husband is abusive and contemptuous. He never listens to my ideas even when they involve serious issues like investment. He takes me for granted which makes me unhappy,” she says.

Her husband has also lost interest in sex and Nancy suspects that he gets it somewhere else.

“I have had an affair for six months with a man who finds me desirable and my views sensible.

“But I still love my husband despite the way he treats me and I do not want to leave him, especially because of the children,” she says.

Sexual needs

Ms Eunice Njenga, a counsellor, says women sometimes cheat due to lack of sexual satisfaction.

“Women too have sexual needs, contrary to the belief that they can take anything in the bedroom. If the longing is too much, they can be forced to get a lover to meet this physical need,” she says.

She says this also explains why older women go for younger men. “They believe the younger men have more sexual prowess,” says Njenga.

Some women also have affairs with men from their past.

“At times, an old affair can be rekindled if the woman is not happy at home,” says the expert.

A woman’s friends can also influence her to get a lover.

“Hearing friends narrate the thrills of their little sexual escapades can tempt her to try the same especially if she is in a drab marriage,” she adds.

No to divorce

Njenga says women who have affairs always have reasons to justify this but hardly want their husbands to divorce them.

But she warns that the woman has to live with the consequences which can turn nasty especially if she is discovered. This is because the society is not tolerant of promiscuous women, more so, wives. The scorn is unimaginable.

“First, the cheating wife is always under emotional pressure since she has to carefully cover her tracks lest she is found out. Any slip-up can mean an instant end of her marriage,” she says.

She is also forced to lie to her husband every time she has to meet her lover, which may eat into her consciensce, leading to stress.

The cheating wife is subjected to undignified behaviour since she has to hide from people who know her lest they tell her husband.

Men resort to violence

Grace Gatuai, also a marriage counsellor, adds that if the woman chooses to end the affair but her lover does not want to, he can tell her husband to hit back, leading to unimaginable consequences.

Njenga says there is also a risk of the woman infecting her husband with a sexually transmitted disease, so she lives under constant fear.

In the event of being found out, most men would divorce or separate from their wives.

“Women easily forgive cheating husbands but the reverse is not true,” she says.

Even if a woman was doing it to hit back at a cheating husband, the latter would still not budge.

Njenga says men suffer from intense jealousy and one might resort to violence if he discovers his wife’s affair.

“Cases of men beating or killing their wives together with their lovers are common. Men are egocentric and do not like sharing their women,” she says.

Njenga says some women who cheat for revenge might not care much if their husbands discover, unlike those who do for excitement.

Gatuai says having an affair may not always be the solution.

“You can be with your lover but still miss your husband’s arms. Thus, the affair makes you more depressed than happy,” she says.

Gatuai advises women to face their husbands and address their concerns. If the man does not change, one has the option of walking away rather than engaging affairs that only add fuel to her guilt and fear.

Jealousy Becomes Criminal Offense in Mexico

Jealousy becomes criminalJealousy becomes criminal.

Mexican men who display extreme jealousy or avoid sex with their wives could be tried in court and punished under a new law, the special prosecutor for crimes against women says.

Special prosecutor Alicia Elena Perez Duarte has told Excelsior newspaper that men who phone their wives every half hour to check up on them, constantly suspect them of infidelity or try to control the way they dress are committing the crime of jealousy.

Those who stop talking to their wives, avoid sex or try to convince suspicious spouses they are “crazy” even if the men are caught red-handed having an affair are guilty of indifference, she said.

Men found guilty of jealousy or indifference could face up to five years in prison, the newspaper said.

Mexico’s individual states will determine the punishments.

The new law was passed this month to protect women from domestic violence.

Are you having Internet Affairs?

Feb 8, 2007

Do you have a special online “friend”? Do you talk to your “friend” about intimate matters? Do you quickly exit the screen when your partner enters the room?

If you answered yes to the above, you may be having an internet affair.

Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time but researchers say internet chat rooms, forums and email have added a new dimension to the age-old temptation to stray.

The perils of online infidelity have prompted the release of new guidelines for Australian counsellors and mental health workers dealing with the fallout from people pursuing illicit love online.

“One area of problematic internet use that is becoming a common presenting issue in counselling is relationship issues arising from one partner’s use of the internet,” according to a report in the current Family Relationships Quarterly journal.

One recent survey of more than 1,500 mental health professionals found that about one in five patients were seeking help because of the negative effects of internet sexual activities.

“A common scenario was a husband or wife who had left their relationship after meeting someone online, only to have the relationship not work out,” says Elly Robinson, manager of the Australian family relationships clearinghouse at the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

An online relationship doesn’t have to turn physical to constitute an affair, she says.

“If the individual having the internet relationship is in a committed real life relationship they may need to acknowledge that communication of an intimate nature with someone on the internet is a breach of trust and commitment,” Robinson says.

“The fact that physical sex hasn’t occurred does not necessarily mean that it is not an affair.”

She says three factors make internet affairs particularly dangerous liaisons.

Online communication tends to remove inhibitions and there is an endless supply of potential partners coupled with a lack of clear norms about acceptable behaviour.

“For example, is it infidelity to have sexual conversations with strangers? What if you are pretending to be someone else? What if you engaged in cybersex?” she says.

The anonymity of cyberspace means people who find themselves falling for a sexy, single 20-something who seduces them with an irresistible online persona may be risking their real-life relationship for a lie.

A new study, to be presented at a computer/human interaction conference in the US later this year, found that online daters usually fib about their appearance. The research found that men “systematically” overestimated their height, while, women underestimated their weight, says lead author Jeffrey Hancock, an assistant professor of communication at Cornell University.

Online affairs can do much more damage than causing a painful relationship bust-up, as a recent US case illustrates.

A cyber fantasy between two middle aged people pretending to be an 18-year-old marine and an attractive young woman turned deadly when Brian Barrett, was found shot dead outside Buffalo, New York, last September.

Investigators charged Barrett’s colleague, Thomas Montgomery with his murder, saying the motive was jealousy over a woman both men had been wooing over the internet.

The woman was a 40-something mother using her daughter’s identity to attract internet suitors.

Montgomery had started chatting with her in 2005, and Bartlett later became drawn into the relationship.

Montgomery is being held without bail after pleading not guilty to second degree murder and is due back in court in June. He is also facing divorce proceedings from his wife.

The case illustrates the web of deceit, jealousy and despair that can arise from seemingly harmless online flirtation, says US internet crime expert J A Hitchcock.

“I’m hoping this case will make people think twice about what they do online and what their actions can cause in the long run,” she says.

If you answer yes to five or more of the following questions you could be crossing the line from online chatting to a cyber affair:

1. In the past week, have you spent more than three hours talking to an online “friend”?

2. Do you plan/look forward to your next communication with them?

3. Does your partner know about your “friend”, and would you be comfortable for them to join in chats?

4. Do you chat when no one is around?

5. Do you make excuses to go online?

6. Do you exit the screen if someone walks into the room while you’re chatting?

7. Do you tell your online “friend” more about your thoughts, feelings, achievements and disappointments than your partner?

8. Do you talk to your “friend” about problems in your real life relationship?

9. Do you think your online “friend” understands and supports you more than your partner?

10. Are you becoming unpredictable about how you act towards your partner?

11. Has your sex life with your partner changed since meeting your “friend”

12. Do you think about sending your online “friend” photos, talking on the phone or meeting for coffee?

Swedish Web site offers infidelity testing

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (UPI) — The Swedish Web site Pappatest.se makes it possible for suspicious partners to find out if their significant others have been unfaithful.

Although the Web Site was mainly set up to offer DNA paternity tests, the company said it would be more than willing to test any samples sent in to them, The Local reported.

The technique gives customers the possibility to find out if their partner has been unfaithful, spokesman Bo Erlandsson told The Local.

He added that although the Web site offers the service, it has not had very many people use the site to test for infidelity.

We have just had a couple so far. This service is not something we beat a big drum about, said Erlandsson.

There is also a catch to the service, besides the fact that it costs about $450 — some sort of evidence that the partner may have cheated must be provided.

There must be a reason to come to us. For example, a man might suspect that his wife is unfaithful. If he finds stains in her underwear he can send it to us. We can then determine if it is sperm. Then we can find out if it comes from another man or from himself, said Erlandsson.

In UK A third of over-50s are having affairs

Comfortably established at work and at home, the over-50s should be enjoying their most contented years.

But nearly a third claim to be having affairs instead.

Older people are much more likely to be tempted into infidelity than the young, a study has found.

The reason, according to an examination of more than 13,000 sex lives, is that those in their 20s and 30s are not likely to have settled into marriage or a long-term relationship.

And even if they have, they are more likely to be in “the first flush of romance”.

But the middle-aged find the lure of an affair “overwhelming”, according to the survey results.

After the hard work of maintaining a marriage and often a family for so long, perhaps they can’t resist what they regard as a last chance for a little self-fulfilment.

And it seems the general lessening of sex drive after 50 is no barrier to adultery.

In some cases, it is in fact the final straw that causes a husband or wife to seek solace with a more accommodating lover.

Psychotherapist Brett Kahr, who led the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, said: “I would be hard pressed to recall any couple who presented for marital psychotherapy with a healthy sex life.

“As we may not fully appreciate, sex might be the most sensitive barometer of the solidity of the relationship between husband and wife, or between two lovers.

“When the gremlins of infidelity or inattentiveness or other forms of cruelty enter the relationship, then the sexual life will suffer as a consequence.”

The survey, which asked for detailed information on sex lives, was sent to more than 34,000 people.

Just over 13,000 replied. The findings showed that 14 per cent of those under 30 had had sex with someone outside their marriage or long-term relationship, as had 23 per cent of those between 30 and 40.

Appetite for sex tails off after 50, the survey found. The number of over-50s who claim to have sex once a day or more was too small to record.

Nineteen per cent had sex three times a week, 44 per cent between twice a week and once a month, and 32 per cent less than once a month.

Just over eight million were not having sex at all, the researchers said. Fewer than a million have always been celibate – the others have simply given up sex.

More women than men, 21 per cent against 15 per cent, have had sex in the past but have now stopped.

Despite the fling-prone over 50s, the great majority of all those in relationships are faithful most of the time: men have on average 1.18 sexual partners in a year, while women have 0.7 partners.

The survey also undermined a regular claim of the gay lobby that between 5-10 per cent of the population are homosexual. Just three in 100 said they were gay.

Infidelty by numbers

Thirty-one million Britons are married or live with a partner.

11 million of these have had an extramarital kiss.

42 per cent of men have kissed another person while in a relationship.

31 percent of women have kissed another person while in a relationship.

14 per cent of under-30s have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

30 per cent of over-50s have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

23 per cent of 30 to 40 year olds have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

15.64 is the average number of women a man has sexual contact with in his lifetime.

14.56 is the average number of men a woman has sexual contact with in her lifetime.