Spouse is out of the closet, now what?

By PAT BURSON, Newsday

Like many other female fans of Terry McMillan’s work, LaKeisha Rodgers was shocked to learn that the “Waiting to Exhale” author’s husband recently came out of the closet.

“You think some marriages are good, and it’s, like, you think they’re happy, but I guess some things are very well hidden,” says Rodgers, single and 35.

Rodgers saw the movie based on McMillan’s best seller “How Stella Got Her Groove Back,” inspired by the love affair the writer had with Jonathan Plummer, 23 years her junior, on a Jamaican vacation in 1995.

McMillan, now 53, recently filed for divorce in California from Plummer, 30, after he told her he was gay. However, Plummer’s sexual orientation is only one of many issues in what will be a very messy, public divorce.

The breakup has all the intrigue of last year’s bombshell from former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey, who held a televised news conference — his wife at his side — to announce his resignation after coming out as a “gay American” and admitting he’d had an adulterous affair with a man.

While titillating and tragic, such revelations have more than a few women wondering: If McMillan, a savvy woman who has made a fortune writing about male-female relationships, could be married to him for six years and not know he was gay, are the rest of us only an exhale away from finding out the same about the men (or women) we’re dating or married to?

Finding out your partner is gay is not so uncommon, says Amity Pierce Buxton, executive director of the Straight Spouse Network, which provides support and resources to heterosexual husbands and wives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and gay-straight spouses. Buxton, whose ex came out after 25 years of marriage and two children, wrote about the experience in “The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families” (John Wiley & Sons, $18.95).

When spouses announce they’re gay, the focus usually is on them, while the heterosexual mate is ignored or forgotten, Buxton says. “People don’t pay attention to them; they sympathize with the person who came out,” she says. “What they don’t realize is when you’re married, it becomes a family matter.”

Straight spouses must not blame themselves, she says, but allow time to work through their anger and to grieve.

Questions from friends, family members and others can compound the pain heterosexual partners report feeling, leaving them asking, “Why didn’t I know?” But when a partner has become a master at keeping his or her sexual identity hidden, it’s not so easy to know the truth, Buxton says.

Connie Williams, 39, an educator from Maryland, discovered her ex-husband was gay after he contracted HIV from an infected man with whom he’d had a homosexual relationship. Williams, who says she is HIV-negative, now coordinates the Straight Spouse Network’s outreach to spouses of color. “The issue of homosexuality is not dealt with in these communities as much as it is in the larger society because there’s still so much stigma associated with being gay,” says Williams, who is African-American. “We believe that’s why we see increased HIV infection rates among women of color.”

While it appears more husbands come out of the closet, wives do, too, says Dr. Scott Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor in psychiatry at Brown University. Haltzman says he’s treated men who have had not one but two divorces because of wives revealing they’re lesbian.

Ruth Houston, who wrote “Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle, $29.95), says if the situation arises, you should confront your partner with solid proof that he or she might be in the closet, not just with your suspicions.

Brenda Stone Browder, author of “On the Up and Up: A Survival Guide for Women Living With Men on the Down Low” (Kensington, $21), suggests listening to your intuition. Browder is author J.L. King’s ex-wife who wrote her recent book in response to his tome about having sex on the side with men during their eight-year marriage.

If you sense something is wrong, she says, be direct. In referring to certain sexual acts, ask, “Has anyone ever done this to you?” or, “Have you done this to anyone?”

If he acknowledges being gay (or you catch him) and you can both still communicate, try to figure out some mutually acceptable way to handle the situation, she says, including whether to stay together and only have protected sex, to separate or to divorce. If talking about the situation is too difficult, find a counselor skilled in handling these types of marital situations, she adds.

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and find you’re attracted to someone of the same sex, do some soul-searching before discussing it with your mate, says Simma Lieberman, a diversity consultant who specializes in cross-cultural dialogue and gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues.

She suggests seeing a counselor or contacting a support hot line or group “to help you figure it out — before you wreck your marriage.” If you have these feelings before you say, “I do,” don’t get married, she says. “Don’t do that to somebody unless you have an open and honest discussion.”

After the hurt and pain, you can go on, heterosexual spouses of gay mates say. Browder remarried and has been with her husband 21 years. She and her ex are starting a national “conversation of reconciliation” tour this summer to discuss their experiences and promote safer sex practices, HIV/ AIDS education and testing for everyone, and honesty in relationships.

Whatever you do, don’t be immobilized, Williams says.