Any private investigator related news or infomation that is not covered by another catagory.

Pay attention to the e-mail trail

Great story about what people find in email posted by the OC Register and Scaramento Bee

Be careful what you write, experts say, because the whole world – including your boss and your spouse – could know it tomorrow.

The Sacramento Bee

MSNBC host Keith Olbermann probably assumed he was making a private joke when he described a colleague as “dumber than a suitcase of rocks” in an e-mail message.

Big mistake.

Last month, his comments about fellow TV personality Rita Cosby showed up in the New York Daily News, and Olbermann had some explaining to do.

In a world where personal missives can instantly tour the globe with a click of the “send” or “forward” button, others have suffered far greater consequences. When they get into the wrong hands, indiscreet e-mails can cost people jobs, clients, business deals, even marriages.

“People are enormously careless about e-mail, until they get burned,” said Atlanta attorney John Mayoue. Electronic messages, Mayoue said, have become “the best, most foolproof” way of outing cheating spouses in divorce cases, and they can cause all kinds of other problems for unsuspecting senders.

According to an annual survey by the technology firm Proofpoint, nearly 40 percent of companies employ staffers to read other employees’ e-mails, and more and more workers are losing jobs for violating e-mail policies. Incendiary e-mails have most famously been used to prove criminal charges against Enron founder Kenneth Lay, who died July 5.

If you want to make sure electronic messages never come back to bite you, said Mayoue, assume everything that you write is being monitored, copied, printed, forwarded.

“Never, ever write anything in an e-mail that you wouldn’t want on the front page of The New York Times,” said Suzanne Bates, author of the book “Speak Like a CEO, Secrets to Commanding Attention and Getting Results.” Unless you install special software that prevents recipients from forwarding your message, it might as well be on a billboard, she said.

In the legal field, e-mail has spawned a cottage industry of specialists who mine electronic messages to prove infidelity, character flaws and even crime, said Sacramento attorney Paul Hemesath.


Author, consultant and former Yahoo executive Tim Sanders offers the following top tips of e-mail etiquette:

• Never say no: “E-mail is for yes, maybe, passing on information or answering a question. If you’re going to say no, pick up the phone.”

• Don’t CC Dad: “Try to limit CCing your boss or parents. The person you are sending the e-mail (to) can become rather resentful.”

• Don’t send e-mail with “hot eyelids”: “Never send an e-mail when you’re mad. Touch your fingers to your eyelids and if they’re hot, put the e-mail into the drafts box and revisit once you’ve calmed down.”

• Stop replying to all: “Erase the ‘reply all’ from your e-mail. Take the time to think who the e-mail really needs to go to.”

• Consider the time: “If you are a boss, don’t send company e-mails throughout the night. If your employees see you working late, they will feel they have to as well. This could cause a very resentful workplace.”

Parrot Gives Away Girlfriend’s Infidelity

Parrot gives away girlfriend’s infidelity

HEADINGLEY, England, Jan. 17
Two relationships have ended in England because an African gray parrot tipped off his owner that his girlfriend was cheating on him.

Chris Taylor, 30, was not suspicious at first when his parrot Ziggy imitated his girlfriend’s voice, saying Hi, Gary, every time her cell phone rang. He also found it funny when Ziggy made wet kissing sounds when the name Gary was mentioned on television.

The Mirror reported the last straw was when Taylor and Suzy Collins, 25, began snuggling on the couch, and Ziggy murmured I love you, Gary.

Collins confessed to having a four-month affair with a co-worker, then bolted from the house, and later moved out.

Collins had to find a new owner for Ziggy, too, as the bird wouldn’t stop talking about Gary.

I know I’ll get over Suzy but I don’t think I’ll ever get over Ziggy, he said.

Certain Acts Can Predict Relationship Violence

Checking On Partner’s Whereabouts Is Top Sign

Men behave in certain ways to retain their partner and to continue their relationship with her. Sometime it’s sweet, like holding hands or giving flowers, and sometimes it’s a harbinger of danger, according to new research.

A study published in the latest issue of Personal Relationships identifies several specific acts and tactics that lead to the possibility of violence.

Vigilance over a partner’s whereabouts was the highest-ranking tactic predicting violence. Emotional manipulation, such as a man saying he would die if his partner ever left also was predictive of violence.

Monopolization of time and the threat to punish for infidelity also were signals.

Showing love and care were among the tactics not associated with violence.

“Mate retention behaviors are designed to solve several adaptive problems, such as deterring a partner’s infidelity and preventing defection from the mating relationship,” author Todd K. Shackelford explains.

The researchers reviewed three studies to get these results.

In the first two studies, the researchers asked independent samples of men and women to report on men’s retention behaviors and men’s violence against their partners. In the third study, they asked husbands and their wives to report on men’s retention behaviors and violence against wives.

Acts such as “dropped by unexpectedly to see what my partner was doing” and “called to make sure my partner was where she said she would be” were the overall third and fifth highest predictors of violence.

Cali Private eye sees that patience yields success

Record Staff Writer
Published Friday, Sep 23, 2005

Private eye David Brey worked in law enforcement for 13 years before going into business for himself. He says that this is not a business for those short on patience.

STOCKTON CA — When David Brey became a licensed private investigator in April, his eyes were unclouded by the romanticized images of the nonpolice detective portrayed in literature and film.

After 13 years in law enforcement, Brey knew that most successful investigative work is produced through plodding perseverance.

But he also believed that in addition to putting one foot in front of the other, a successful gumshoe must know how to tap dance, creatively stepping around the roadblocks thrown up in the course of an investigation.

His home-based Stockton business, David Brey Investigations, provides background checks, domestic-dispute and worker’s-compensation investigations and surveillance services primarily in San Joaquin and Sacramento counties.

On Wednesday, Brey talked about his life and his work … in his own words:

Becoming his own boss
“I took a criminal-justice course at Delta and got into law enforcement from there.

“I was a reserve officer for local law enforcement for three years while I worked other jobs.

“My intention was to become a regular officer, but when I got picked up to get hired, they saw I was a diabetic. That was during the early 1980s, before the ADA, so I had to put that on the back burner.

“Years later, I graduated from Stanislaus State with a bachelor of arts in criminal justice and got hired with the county probation department.

“It was OK, but the caseload was horrendous. You have 300 to 500 people on your caseload, and you’re expected to keep track of all of them.

“The county had a narcotics task force, which used to be called CRACNET, where I got into investigations.

“I then applied to be a special agent with the state, where I worked for more than five years in the narcotics and gambling divisions.

“Gambling was too slow-paced, so I decided to become my own boss and do private investigating.

“I was in law enforcement for more than 13 years.”

Public vs. private
“I liked the excitement. They always say that 80 percent of police work is boring, but you’ve got that 20 percent that keeps you going.

“If you’re in investigations, doing surveillance, and you’re an impatient person, you’re not going to last long.

“You have to wait and wait.

“When you’re in law enforcement, you have seven or eight guys with you.

“Working by myself is a lot different. Even bathroom breaks are few and far between.

“A lot of people think that criminals are stupid. They are often very intelligent.

“They might not be book-smart, but street-smart.

“Some I’ve seen in court seem to know as much as their attorney.

“I always try to outthink and keep one step ahead of the person I’m going after.

“Private investigators can be armed. I’m not. With what I’m doing, there’s not a need for it.

“When you’re a cop, you can’t take off if something is happening.

“Now, if I think there’s a situation that’s going to be dangerous, I’ll just turn on my car ignition and take off.”

Background counts
“The California Department of Consumer Affairs’ Bureau of Security and Investigative Services regulates private investigators.

“They give you credit for having a bachelor’s degree and for investigative experience. For current or previous law enforcement officers, you need two years of investigative experience.

“Without investigative experience, it would be difficult to do surveillance or a public-records search.

“If a person wants to get started in this type of work, it helps to know people.

“I’ve been fortunate to know a few attorneys here in town and in Sacramento who shoot me some work, sometimes in worker’s-compensation fraud cases.”

Taking care of business
“Right now I’m working for a person in the city who thinks that a neighbor is running a business out of their residence.

“I asked if she had filed a complaint, but she said she’d rather get the goods on the person first. I can find out if the person has a license to conduct business from their home and can document their activities.

“I think it’s better to go in armed than with just a story.

Suspicious minds
“I also get a lot of calls where one spouse is cheating on the other or a situation with a boyfriend and girlfriend.

“I tell them that if their intuition is telling them that something isn’t right, then their assumption is probably correct.

“But they want to believe that they’re just imagining it, and they want proof that either something or nothing is going on.

“I always tell them that if I find out there is cheating, I don’t want them to cause the other person harm. I tell them it’s not worth it.

“I am wary of people who are trying to find an ex-girlfriend or an ex-wife because of the possibility of stalking. I ask questions.

“I think I’m a good judge of character, being in law enforcement for as long as I was. There’s always the possibility, though, that someone will give all the answers you want to hear.

“I try to stay away from becoming emotionally involved, but I do like to see people benefit from what I do.”

Contact reporter Michelle Machado at 209 943-8547 or

Intricacies of gathering evidence on unfaithful spouse

Suspicious and jealous spouses sometimes set spies on their other halves. Margaret Oganda tells us the methods these private investigators apply to bust the wayward.

A distraught Mrs Kamau — not her real name — drove down Uhuru Highway, Nairobi, recalling romantic moments she once shared with her husband of 20 years.

Despite the good times, she had a compelling gut feeling. Probably intuition, or even telltale signs that pushed her on this mission, convinced that her spouse was unfaithful.

After trying to downplay her instincts and deny her suspicions, she concluded that she needed to know the truth. Which is what took her to the second floor of College House on Koinange Street, Nairobi, to private investigators.

Her life was filled with almost everything most Kenyans only dream about. A beautiful home in one of Nairobi’s plush residential areas, several expensive cars at her disposal, children at costly private schools, and regular get-togethers with friends in exclusive health clubs and saunas.

Her flower business also brought in good returns; while her husband, among Kenya’s highest paid chief executive officers, gave her access to unlimited cash. But, something was missing.

He had lost interest in her sexually, came home late, and left town too often on business. Although she suspected infidelity, she tried to keep closer tabs on his movements but could not get anything concrete.

When confronted, he would laugh it off, blaming the current restructuring of his company, but she believed that if he was cheating on her, she had the right to know, which made her seek the services of Spectrum Network, a private eye.

After stating her case and agreeing on down payment, the firm started to trail Kamau’s movements.

He was a member of a private members-only club, which he frequented. The team had to mount a round-the-clock surveillance, and develop some acquaintances with the neighbourhood to nail him. They also had several vehicles follow him from a safe distance, and soon they established that he had a mistress, whom he often met in a hotel outside Nairobi. They often left in separate cars.

The team gathered tangible evidence, comprising personal digital pictures, audiotapes, video shots and even fingerprints.

Mr Samjim Mwanyasi, the managing director of Spectrum Network who masterminded the investigation said, “It was a costly undertaking, because arranging to set up cameras in a hotel room can be expensive.”


The covert operations of a private investigator are often shrouded in mystery and secrecy. These are people who often work long irregular hours and the work is often dangerous. Many registered companies in Nairobi carry out myriad duties, ranging from general investigations, cases of fraud and debt collections, to crime scene examinations, finger print comparison, insurance accessing, document examination and accident investigations among others. Others also do background checks, and locate missing persons.

Mwanyasi, who is also the secretary general of the National Association of Kenya Investigators, says that over 300 companies have registered with them. The yellow page in the 2005 Nairobi postal directory lists 49 companies in Nairobi alone, but there are others upcountry.

When it comes to marriage investigations, most firms and investigators broached the subject with caution, many preferring to remain tight-lipped and clandestine.

Some disclosed that they do not deal with these cases regularly. Mwangangi notes, “Marriage investigation is time-consuming, and can also be risky. So it is not common with us because in many cases the cost will be deterring. Samuel K Ndenga of Band Investigators, based in Braidwood House, Tom Mboya Street, also says, “This kind of work normally would be extensive, and privacy needs to be observed. It may involve people who are moving in elite circles, and frequenting expensive joints, and therefore would require more resources.”

One investigator who is part of a firm based in a Nairobi estate, said that they get up to eight cases a month, and interestingly, men are the most frequent callers, requesting that their wives be investigated.

Asking to remain anonymous, he said “Marriage investigation is sensitive, and apart from the actual cases we handle, we get many inquiries about our services every week.”

Another detective based in the city centre said: “Our company rarely carries out marriage investigations, and we try to avoid them. This is because in the past we noted that a number of people ask us to start the investigations, and later decide not to follow through to the end.”

He said that it was common for many to be curious, about the movements of their spouse, but they are often not prepared to face the outcome.

Why a private eye?

Infidelity, adultery, cheating, being unfaithful, having an affair can be painful and devastating. Yet many people say they would rather know the truth to get on with their lives.

Mrs Kamau’s case is one of the most commonplace, a suspicious husband or wife seeking to prove or disprove infidelity.

But, according to some investigators, a person may need to search out evidence of adultery within marriage to establish grounds for a divorce. Mwanyasi explains, “Many times, if you want the divorce to be effected, you must have grounds, and get tangible evidence to take to a court of law.”

Another private-eye agreed, “More and more Kenyans are turning to us to collect evidence for legal reasons. Initially, they used to call the police but they have lost faith in them, and want our services.”

Others seek the service of investigators for sheer knowledge, because they may have fleeting suspicions, like in one case, a man who was about to get married, wanted to be sure that his fiancÈ did not have another boyfriend. In another case an Asian woman was suspicious that her husband had an African girlfriend.

Counselling or investigations

Many investigators share the opinion that many people only need counselling, which sometimes assists them to resolve their problems before they resort to investigations.

A Scotland Yard trained investigator based in Nairobi, has also acquired qualifications as a professional counsellor and he strongly advocates counselling for all parties interested before they resort to investigators.

“We do not want to break up homes. When people come to us and tell us their problems, we try to help them to find a way out first,” said the private eye who has been in the business for 30 years.

Ndenga says that he first talks to the person at length. “Sometimes I have had cases where a woman is feeling let down. And I encourage them to seek another way before resorting to investigations.”

Mwanyesi had the same sentiments. “Our interest is not to ruin marriages, and some people may find out that their suspicions are baseless, and that they were paranoid.”


The first step is to receive formal instructions from the client, in the form of a contract. Being a private affair, they may desist from mentioning names.

After a down payment of at least 50 per cent, the client says what they need, and how detailed they want the investigation. They may want photographs, taped conversations, video clips, receipts, emails, and fingerprints.

After that is clear, the client has to submit a brief on the person to be investigated, and a background. This allows investigation from the known to the unknown following a well-constructed surveillance.

Most of the work of marriage PI’s involves intelligence or gathering of information, using many means to verify facts.

They use interviews, research and review of documents. The tools of trade range from those as simple as a notebook and pen, to the various types of state-of–the-art long-range and hidden video cameras. Hidden, body worn cameras are a must and are standard equipment, and high-tech surveillance equipment. They operate with mini-cameras, which may include digital zoom, and one as small as a matchbox or a pen-sized camera.


When the team of investigators has established a plan of action, surveillance begins on a most discreet level and the method decided upon depends on the nature of the situation. A team is set up to trail the individual, comprising two to four or more people depending on the subject’s movements.

Often a minimum of two cars is used. They often may need to set up a person as a decoy, who is someone whose presence around the person will not raise suspicions. If the person frequents a certain hotel or bar, they may have to set up someone who actually works there, or even get someone to work there.

In one case, a firm had a woman who suspected that her husband was having an affair with their house-help.

“We asked her to hire a woman investigator to work for her part-time as a maid, and she would monitor the movements of the suspect. Within a week, she had gathered concrete proof that her suspicions were real,” said one investigator.

“We have to be observant, as we gather evidence which is visual and audio. This is because, “we cannot make mistakes which will lead to false accusations.”

Time span and cost

Although each case is different, investigations mostly are done roughly within three weeks, up to two months or more. Most firms said that investigations are priced according to the individual case and scope. But generally, a simple case may go for Sh30,000 but the more elaborate ones go up to Sh200,000 or more.

Investigations not the answer

Sex, money, communication breakdown, and in-laws are leading causes of friction in marriage, and could even lead to divorce.

“I would discourage marriage investigation at all costs,” says Margaret N. Mbuthi, a marriage and family counselor who has worked with the Kenya Institute of Professional Counseling, as a trainer and family counsellor.

Now working with the Sterling Performance Africa and Counselling Centre, she says: “I believe that couples should first look for other ways to resolve their differences.”

Mbuthi warns that marriage investigation can be dangerous, because it is a form of spying, and a person may get more than they can handle.

“The findings of such an exercise may be devastating. What if you suspect your spouse has one mistress, only to find there are two or even more?” she asked.



If you have suspicious of an unfaithful spouse, we’re here to help! Contact us today!

Affairs of the heart: Relationships suffer from emotional betrayal

By Donecia Pea

It starts with an innocent friendship between two people.

Then common interests and similarities are discovered and a strong emotional bond is formed. Before long the relationship has blossomed into a full-fledged romance, without any sexual exchange.

The only problem with this picture is one or both of the people involved in this budding romance is married.

This scenario, commonly dubbed as an “emotional affair,” has only become a hot topic in recent years. More recently, actress Jennifer Aniston discussed the topic in an interview with Vanity Fair magazine in which she said she believes her estranged husband, actor Brad Pitt, “checked out of their marriage emotionally” and had an emotional affair with actress Angelina Jolie.

“It’s basically an attempt to fill a void that is present in the current relationship,” said Durell Tuberville, a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist at Louisiana Critical Incident Stress Management.

To stray or not to stray

While local experts have mixed views on the term “emotional affair,” they all agree it is a form of cheating, without the sex.

“When we hear ‘affair,’ it sounds like an adventure out of the relationship and we immediately refer to ‘sexual affair,’ but that’s not always the case. I think it’s more of an emotional attachment, rather than an emotional affair,” said Xochitl Sawyer, licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist at Integrated Counseling Services.

“It’s something we’ve begun to identify primarily because of Internet access. That’s when it first became a term separate from what we traditionally call an affair,” said licensed clinical social worker Sheri Davidson, who runs a private practice in Shreveport.

Typically, it’s when the person in the existing relationships begins to share intimacies with a new person outside of the existing relationship, Tuberville said. “Often we begin just by asking for help or ideas in a manner we think is safe and the person begins to support us,” he said.

Licensed clinical social worker Missy Everson agrees. “Sometimes, it’s unfinished business with someone from a past relationship or sometimes a new relationship.” Everson said it’s especially likely to happen among people who work closely together or interact on a regular basis.

“It can be a matter of people going too far in their fantasy life. Sometimes it doesn’t go any further nor does it mean a marriage is in trouble. However, for others it can lead to a complete disengagement from the existing relationship and it can get out of hand,” Everson said.

Blurry lines

An emotional affair is not to be confused with a platonic friendship. However, for some, finding the line between the two is tricky.

“A platonic friendship always supports the emotional foundation already established in the current relationship. If we’re friends and I realize there’s an emotional spot that needs to be filled, I’m going to turn that friend back to that foundation in an already established relationship,” Tuberville said. “Far too often we get emotionally involved or allow others to get emotionally involved before we realize it, because the person who is emotionally drowning is holding on to anything that comes in their grasp.”

Davidson said the line has more to do with sex. “Is it becoming a verbally sexual relationship? Is it becoming a fantasy for either partner or friend? It can be elusive … ,” Davidson said.

A person should ask themselves what is really the nature of their relationship because some types of relationships should never be, whether it’s legal or not, Everson said. “For instance, a teacher-student, boss-employee or brother-sister-in-law type of emotional affair should never be. If it’s not any of those kinds of relationships, ask yourself, ‘What are my boundaries?’ If the reality is ‘I can’t do this,’ or ‘it’s not right,’ then they would want to help themselves refocus that relationship to a friendship or disengage themselves from that outside relationship somewhat until they can get their emotions together,” Everson said.

Just as in a sexual affair, there are signs that could signal your spouse or partner is in an emotional affair. “One of things you might see is some withdrawal from the relationship, some distancing, a putting up of boundaries and limits in a marriage or partnership. There’s a preoccupation that your partner’s not there, not interested in intimacy,” Davidson said.

The lesser of two evils?

Many people often disregard an emotional affair as cheating since there’s no sex involved. However, an emotional affair can be equally as threatening to a relationship as a sexual affair.

“It takes away from the intimacy you’re feeling with your spouse or partner. You’re left preoccupied with the idea of someone else if there’s always dissatisfaction in your current relationship. “» Marriage and partnership is hard work. It’s hard to live with someone, so an emotional affair is like being able to send the grandchildren home — you skip that part where you have the day-to-day tough things that you have to do in marriage,” Davidson said. “There’s a wish for something more than what you have and there’s the idealization of that wish, which is probably not true.”

The depth of an emotional affair can be based on three levels. “First, there’s the friendship. That friendship is begun with small talk or a common project,” Tuberville said.

In the course of that friendship, the spouse or partner recognizes he or she is somewhat emotionally deficient and their new friend is a good listener, “and I begin to share things about my current relationship and struggles,” Tuberville said. “That leads to the second level, where we begin to share an affection. At that time, we begin the sexual exchange. And that sexual exchange may not be fondling or intercourse, it can be a touch on the hand or pat on the back.”

That, in turn, opens the door for the third step, “which is complete sexual exposure. “» A lot of times emotional affairs can lead into a sexual affair,” Tuberville said.

“If an affair doesn’t go beyond that yearning and fantasy life, it’s something that can interfere with the marriage for a much longer period of time because you’re saying, ‘This is OK. This isn’t sex,’ but it’s not OK. It’s destructive to the relationship that you’re in,” Davidson said.

After the storm

The first thing a couple should do is communicate once an emotional affair is exposed.

“Then, if they cannot solve it or resolve their problem by talking, they’re going to have to have some professional help because generally that’s what started the problem,” Sawyer said. “Sometimes they can’t talk about it because there are a lot of angry and hurt emotions and one feels betrayed.”

Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. “Be honest with one another and say ‘Hey, there’s a need here that I have and I’m not sure how to have it met.’ Realize there’s help available,” he said.

Suspicious Spouses Turn Sleuths

Technology is the kiss of death for illicit romance. In this era of camera phones, e-mail, text messaging and bugging devices, are we having the final fling, asks Prem Paul Ninan.

These are troubled times for unfaithful couples. Living in an age where technology has taken control of every part of the lives of people, relationships too have come to be defined by it. However, individuals across the globe who have flirted with technology in an attempt to cheat their better halves (always better when being cheated by the other, and who, these days, don’t always have to be married to one) have discovered soon enough that it is becoming increasingly difficult to cheat technology. True, technology has made it a lot easier for many to have relationships with people other than their spouses or partners, and to be quite discreet about it too. But sooner or later, very often, the same technology that helped one maintain a clandestine relationship for a while turns into the very evidence that brings about the downfall of the affair. Like a carnivore turning on its captors!

Commonly used media

Take mobile phones and the internet for instance – probably the most widely used media used by unfaithful partners for illicit affairs. The relative permanence of data stored by the use of software, is the basis for suspicious spouses-turned-sleuths to turn the heat on their partners. People use software because it gives them a sense of privacy and a feeling that they may actually be able to pull off something (no pun intended).

Consider the mobile phone. The benefits of text messaging, for instance, are many. There are many instances in which a person, while talking to his partner on the mobile phone, receives a message from someone he might not have ever met before, but with whom he has been carrying on a distance affair. The person is able to view the message and even dash off a quick salacious reply to his or her lover, only to return to the beloved’s call, without the unsuspecting partner even realising anything might have transpired.

Once the affair is on in full flow, however, it’s hard to keep your partner from being suspicious. There was a case in which a man carelessly left his mobile phone in his car and to his misfortune, his girlfriend saw a message coming in from his lover. She even went through a deleted items’ folder he did not know existed, and extracted more incriminating messages.

While most lovers are undoubtedly cautious in deleting ‘private’ messages, there is no telling when they might slip up. Ashwin Mohan, a wellness consultant, says that a friend of his who was in a dual relationship, once inadvertently sent a message intended for his lover, to his intended instead. He had hell to pay after that. Pradiksha Oommen, a third year BA student, says her friend once left her mobile phone with her boyfriend, so she could visit the loo. At that point, a message came in from her boyfriend’s male friend with whom she had been communicating for some time. Not bothering to confirm the nature of their friendship, the jealous boyfriend furiously broke off the affair.

The camera phone

Then, you also have today many mobile phones coming with built-in cameras and recording devices. These can be switched on quite casually without the unsuspecting unfaithful even knowing a thing. How one goes about this is one’s own affair, but there’s no denying that once recorded, it is quite an incriminating piece of evidence. You also have small digital voice recorders that can virtually be hidden in the hand. Atin Gupta, a marketing executive, says that one of his friends, who once got suspicious, got a girlfriend of his girlfriend to record a telephonic conversation she once had with her lover. With this evidence in hand, he confronted his one-time girlfriend, who, after an initial denial, finally gave in.

Detective agencies

Private detective agencies commonly use such recording devices to track the activities of cheating individuals, in infidelity cases. However, Puneet Kumar, executive director of the Globe Detective Agency in Bangalore, says that his agency primarily relies on physical surveillance in such cases. “Most affairs of an illicit nature are generally physical, involving sex, and only sometimes get emotional. In order to keep track of a person’s activities, the agent’s physical presence is critical, and no device can replace this.” The detective service usually sends two agents, who carry basic cameras, on the track of the suspected cheater.

The agents prepare detailed reports of the victim’s movements and take photos only if there is absolutely no risk involved. Bugging devices can only be planted if the affair is going on in one’s own house, in which case the spouse is made to plant the device. “Otherwise, there is no telling where the affair may be taking place. It could be anywhere – hotels, cars, the workplace.”

Come now to the internet, which is also extensively used by unfaithfuls. While chat rooms have allowed illicit affairs to mushroom manifold, through the hidden identity it provides people, there are dozens of spyware programmes being developed that allow people to sneak view the suspected cyber relationships of their partners. Software programmes like Spector, developed by Spectorsoft in the US, are able to record such activities in detail. The programme operates like a quick-clicking camera, taking pictures every few seconds of whatever appears on the screen. The pictures can be played back in a slide-show fashion, like a jerky 20’s film. Prashanth Ninan, former manager, IT infrastructure at Altivo Information Technologies Pvt Ltd, Bangalore, says that there are even key-logging software programmes, that record every single key typed, including the spaces! This means, that with a little bit of effort, even an amateur can hack into the e-mail accounts of his or her partner. And what makes these softwares so attractive is that they are generally not very expensive and can therefore be sneaked into the home computer quite easily.

Credit card bills

But it’s not all about software either. There have been so many small technological advancements that have allowed couples to spy on each other fairly easily. For instance, credit card bills provide suspecting individuals ample fodder, especially with unusual gifts, restaurants, travel or unspecified charges. Unexplained bank statements, detailed phone bills containing data on unusually long calls made to certain unknown numbers, even the receipts that are billed from shopping centres, regarding unusual purchases made, can be recovered by a prowling cuckold on his partner’s trail. For some, the snooping around can become almost an obsession, as one such individual in the US candidly admitted, after spying on his wife’s cyber indulgences.

And if you think that such snooping around is confined abroad, you’re quite mistaken. Puneet says that his agency gets about 15 to 20 cases of infidelity a month, in Bangalore. A majority of the complainants are men, he says. But is it morally wrong to spy on one’s partner, using technological aids? Prashanth definitely thinks so. “It is a despicable thing to do, and anyone who does so is not worth being in a relationship,” he says. “Most people who do so are not married, but are usually in live-in affairs and are not willing to commit anyway.” Atin, who is going to be married in December, feels the same. So does Deepa Priyadarshini, who is into corporate communications. Both feel that trust should be the basis of any relationship, and that misgivings about any extra affair could always be handled at the personal level.

Whatever may be the view, it is clear that technology has made snooping a lot easier, and affairs a lot more challenging!


Signs that your partner may be cheating on you:

Sudden increase in time away from home

Decreased sexual interest

He or she is often distracted and day dreaming

He or she is often unavailable at work

He or she attends more work functions alone

Cell phone calls are not returned in timely fashion

He or she leaves house or goes to other rooms to talk on the


He or she uses the computer alone and secretly

He or she asks about your schedule more often than usual

Mileage on car is high when only short distance errands are run

Clothes smell of perfume, massage oil residue and sex

Clothes contain makeup or lipstick smudges

He or she gets the laundry done independently

Viagra usage increases

Dr. Diana Kirschner Tells Woman What to Do if They Suspect Their Man Is Wandering

Aug 1, 2005
ABC News

What to Do If You Suspect a Cheating Spouse

Cheating is something many spouses are forced to confront. A 2004 ABC News American Sex Survey reported 16 percent of adults have cheated, with 21 percent of men reporting they have. Of the 11 percent of women who cheated, 33 percent said they did it to fill an emotional need.

Marital counselor Diana Kirschner offered these tips on how to approach a spouse suspected of cheating rather than going to the extreme of having them fired:

Watch Your Spouse’s Actions: Watch non-verbal actions. Some clues of lying include a failure to look you in the eye, nail biting and tremors in the leg. Turning you into the bad guy is also a clear sign.

Insert Yourself Into Your Spouse’s Life: Show up at the poker game, saying that you’re bringing a bag of chips. Make sure your spouse’s whereabouts match what he or she tells you.

Confront the Truth: Once you find out the truth, make a decision about whether to stay or go. In some cases, the right decision might be to give your spouse a second chance, but some people use infidelity as a way to force a relationship to end. If your spouse is not remorseful, you have to confront the truth and free yourself.

Great Trust Article

Excerpt from an excellent article entitled Trust is invaluable in an intimate relationship
By Offra Gerstein

When one person has violated their partner’s trust, the betrayed mate is often profoundly wounded. He/she questions their own worth as well as doubting the partner’s character. Lost trust is hard to rebuild. Once a betrayal occurs the possibility of recurrence is further feared. The trust, loyalty and confidence, which have been the foundation of the relationship, can no longer be taken for granted. Betrayal causes an emotional earthquake for both mates which requires time and tools to restore the stability and security to their union.

If you are accused of being an untrustworthy partner:

Respect your mate’s concern and check with yourself to see whether the assumptions bear any truth.

If the accusation is of merit, admit your part and suggest a repair idea. For example: “I did act in a flirtatious way with the service person, I guess I miss more playfulness between us. I apologize for it and want to talk to you about how we can get closer.”

If the mistrust is unwarranted, provide reassurance to your partner without becoming defensive. For example: “I know you are concerned about money. I do too, and am very conscious about my spending.” Or, “I spend time with my parents out of love and obligation. Above all — I love spending time with you. Let’s plan it better.”

If you have been disloyal: apologize, promise to never repeat the action, reassure your mate of his/her worth and increase your expressions of appreciation and love.

If you feel mistrusting of your partner’s loyalty:

First check with yourself to see whether these are your own feelings ascribed to your mate. For example: “Are you having an affair?’ may be asked by a mate who is thinking of being unfaithful.

If you find yourself assigning behaviors or intentions that are your own, do not accuse your mate, but rather ask them for help. For example: Instead of “You never trust any of my ideas,” try saying “I am concerned that some of my ideas have not been helpful to you, can you help guide me in offering better suggestions?”

Maintain a good sense of self worth by doing whatever affirms your value. Being insecure may lead to mistrust of partner.

When your partner denies the accusations, permit yourself to trust him/her. If the trust is unwarranted, it will be discovered soon enough. If your partner is sincere, you both will be enriched by mutual trust and confidence in each other.

Trust can be rebuilt, repaired, restored and intensified by willing and motivated partners.

Offra Gerstein, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Cruz for the past 25 years. Her Web site is, and she can be reached by phone at 476-7666.

Chastity belt to catch infidelity introduced

by Jasmin R. Uy
July 29, 2005

Who says partners with extra marital affairs will not be caught?

There is now a new way to catch infidelity among cheating partners after an Italian sexologist has developed a new version of the chastity belt.

Dr. Mandrillo Cirillo, also known as Dr. Seduction or Dr. Thirakmisuk, said he expects that this improved version of the chastity belt would find a market among suspicious spouses.

Designed to attach to a mans or womans underpants, the timer of the chastity belt records the frequency and the length of time the undergarments are removed.

The belt can be taken off if the person would urinate, but its timer will record the minutes once he or she takes off the belt.

“If ones underwear would be taken off for about 45 minutes or so, that certainly needs an explanation saying that urinating would only take 5 minutes. This will surely be a hit as couples who want to display their fidelity will wear it,” Cirillo said while demonstrating the use of the chastity belt.

The cigarette packet-sized contraption, which records the opening and closing of the garter, is a reassuring gesture on the part of the husband or wife having a business trip or vacation with friends.

“At the end of the trip, spouses would have a record as to how many times their partners have taken off their undies or at times their partner might have been subjected to temptation,” Cirillo said.

The belt, which is not yet sold in the Philippines, costs at around P2,500, and can be used for years and as often as the couples would want.

Cirillo said he is expecting a positive response from the government of this invention, as this would also prevent the spreading of AIDS disease in the country.

Cirillo said he also wants to develop a more advanced device that would sound an alarm on a partner’s mobile phone once the belt is taken off for more then five minutes.

He said the device is perfectly possible following his talks with telecommunications engineers. “And if this would happen, this would surely be a hit in the market for suspicious couples,” he said.