General information about infielity that does not directly relate to private investigations but may be of value to our readers.

Facts About infidelity

Here are some surprising facts about infidelity:

Approximately 20 to 25 percent of men and 10 to 15 percent of women engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage and infidelity has been found to be the single most cited cause of divorce in over 150 cultures.

11 percent of adults who have ever been married or cohabited have been unfaithful to their partner.

Infidelity is influenced by many social and demographic factors. All of the following were associated with an increased risk of infidelity: having been part of a couple for a long time; having had a high number of prior sex partners; being male or black; living in a central city; and thinking about sex several times a day.

Respondents who reported that their relationships were “pretty happy” and “not too happy” were two and four times more likely, respectively, to have reported extramarital sex than respondents who reported that they were “very happy” with their relationships.

More than 80 percent of women and 65 percent to 85 percent of men report that they had no partners other than their spouse while they were married.

94 percent of married men and women had only one sex partner (their spouse) in the past 12 months, 4 percent had 2 to 4 partners, and 1 percent had more than 5 partners.

SOURCE: The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University.

If you suspect that your spouse falls into one of these statistics, contact us to see how we can help.

Handling Infidelity

Handling infidelity when you catch your girlfriend with someone else is rough, but the best thing is to simply keep quiet about the whole episode.

Refrain from screaming and abusing.

Break up with her and take control of your life or allow her to continue doing what she has been doing for a while, only if you think you can make her realise.

Try to speak to her and learn her true feelings. Is she is actually in love with someone else or they are just friends? You can give it another try in case you think you can forget and forgive.

If you say you will forgive, you have to mean it and be sure that your partner is ready too. Otherwise, your relationship may turn into a vicious cycle of mistrust, revenge and unspoken hate.

Try to understand what made your girlfriend cheat on you. Analyse if there was something wrong in your behaviour and the relationship between both of you, which led such a situation.

Refrain from spreading rumours and personal information about your ex-girlfriend , once you decide to part ways. It’s always a good idea to part on a pleasant note. Try not be bitter about your relationship and do not be mean.

Office Romances Keep on Blooming

Published: Saturday, May 5, 2007 | 2:24 PM ET
Canadian Press

NEW YORK (AP) – Whether it’s the flattering fluorescent lighting or the intimate privacy of the office cubicle, the workplace is fertile ground for those with a wandering eye.

More than one-third of people who admit to infidelity cheat on their spouses with co-workers, according to a study by and (Friends were philanderers’ first choice.)

The survey also suggests that the more money men make, the more likely they are to cheat, says Josey Miller, iVillage love and sex editor.

For women, income had no relationship to their propensity to be unfaithful, she said.

Opinions about what behaviours constitute cheating also differed between the sexes. Nearly three-quarters of women consider sending flirtatious e-mails to a co-worker cheating, compared with just over half of men.

Regardless of who’s right on that one, has all that sexual harassment training taught us nothing? Back away from the send button.

More than 70,000 respondents participated in the survey.

Adultery is the “Primary Reason for Divorce” According to Study

A survey has revealed that private investigators were hired during almost half the divorce proceedings in Britain last year, compared with only 18% in 2005.

The survey conducted by Grant Thornton of 100 leading law firms found 49% of divorces last year came after one partner had hired a private detective to look for evidence of adultery by the other. Investigators were hired by 30% of divorcing women and 19% of divorcing men.

The survey also found that 32% of divorces were attributed to adultery last year, compared with 29% in 2005. In more than two-thirds of these it was the man who was declared unfaithful and in 31% of cases it was the woman.

Andrea McLaren, head of Grant Thornton’s matrimonial practice in London, said: “For the fourth year running our survey has shown that extramarital affairs are the primary reason cited for the breakdown of marriages in the UK. As this figure continues to rise it is little wonder that the number of individuals using private investigators increased.”

Primary Reason for Divorce

Florida Sheriff’s Dept Employees Fired for Having Sex on Duty


Originally published — 3:02 p.m., April 20, 2007
Updated — 7:21 p.m., April 20, 2007

Two Lee County sheriff’s deputies were fired separately this month amid allegations they had sex with women while they were on duty, authorities said.

In both cases, records show the deputies’ relationships were reported by a jilted lover — the wife of Deputy Michael Haigis brought cell phone records to the sheriff’s headquarters after finding a Valentine’s Day card in his duffel bag. And 17-year veteran Sgt. Edwin Cintron was subjected to an Internal Affairs investigation when a 7-Eleven clerk reported he’d left her for another clerk, according to sheriff’s reports.

Both men were ultimately fired. A sheriff’s dispatcher, Cristina Baughman, also was let go after authorities determined she and Haigis carried on their affair at work.

“There’s no place in law enforcement for that type of nonsense on duty,” Lee Sheriff Mike Scott said. “I was angry and embarrassed, and took very quick action to investigate it.”

None of the three ex-employees could be reached Friday. But both women accused of having sex with Cintron disputed the official version of facts.

“I think it’s a travesty, him losing his job,” Shelba Norton said. “This whole ordeal is a very sad situation.”

According to an internal affairs report, Norton was first to tell the Sheriff’s Office that Cintron had oral sex with her co-worker behind a Fort Myers 7-Eleven. A report says Norton said “she was upset with the deputy who was also a former boyfriend.”

She strongly denied Friday making that initial complaint.

Either way, authorities took the report and interviewed the other clerk, Lisa Anderson. She denied such an encounter took place while Cintron was on duty. Reached on her cell phone Friday afternoon, Anderson said she stands by the statements she gave investigators.

“I was with him — me being wrong and him being wrong,” she said, but “I cut off talking with him because I didn’t want to deal with this drama.”

Given his turn to talk with investigators, Cintron owned up to “almost having sexual intercourse with” Norton in her driveway, in full view of her neighbors, while he was on duty, according to the reports. He also said he’d had oral sex with Anderson behind the 7-Eleven, in his uniform.

But he said his shift was over when it happened.

Cintron was fired Thursday. Despite his comments, the report concluded there was “clear and convincing evidence that Sergeant Edwin Cintron had numerous sexual encounters with Shelba Norton and Lisa Anderson while on-duty.”

In the other case, records say Haigis and Baughman met up several times starting in November 2006, having oral sex at a park or on the side of the road.

Haigis’ wife discovered the card in March and printed out cell phone records to bring evidence of his extra-marital relationship to the Sheriff’s Office, reports say.

Improper conduct and neglect of duty charges against Haigis, who told investigators he was in his uniform and driving his patrol car, but off duty, during at least one of the encounters, were substantiated. Baughman was confronted with evidence she’d once left work to have oral sex with Haigis, whereupon she said she’d forgotten about it, the reports say.

Haigis was hired just over a year ago, authorities said. Baughman had been on staff about three years.

“Sex on duty, lying about it — that’ll get you a ticket out the door every time,” Scott said.

Signs of Husband’s Infidelity are Everywhere

Published April 20, 2007

Deborah Joswig did a double take when she saw her name inside a gigantic heart on a billboard along a busy street.

“Deborah & Eric Joswig. Always & Forever,” the billboard read. “Ephesians 5:25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church.”

She begged her husband to turn around so she could get another look.

That billboard, put up in September on Ulmerton Road in Largo, was the first of six in the Tampa Bay area.

There was one for her birthday in December.

There was one on Tampa’s John F. Kennedy Boulevard, which Deborah first saw lit up at midnight, on Valentine’s Day.

Now, there’s one on State Road 60 in Brandon.

For Eric, the billboards are the ultimate public confession that he cheated on his wife for almost a decade.

They’re meant to show his ex-buddies that he still loves the woman he married nearly 27 years ago.

But as the number of billboard’s grew, Deborah rolled her eyes.

“I said, ‘No more, no more,’ ” she said. “He does one nice thing and then you say, ‘Is it something you can believe in, or is it just a game?’ ”

A secret life

Though his wife sometimes questions his sincerity, Eric Joswig insists he’ll spend the rest of his life showing that he loves her and that he’s sorry.

The six billboards cost him nearly $10,000, but years of infidelity nearly cost him his marriage.

While Deborah was busy being a mother and working full time, Eric was busy working in construction.

His lunch hours, he said, were spent having sex with women he’d met at traffic lights while riding his motorcycle or at bars.

By his count, there were seven to 10 partners in one five-year span. He said he stopped having affairs 10 years ago, but didn’t come clean until Deborah got suspicious.

“It was a secret that ate me up inside,” he said. “I wasn’t respecting my wife and my marriage.”

Their marriage had been rife with troubles even before he revealed the affairs.

For years, Eric was a different person in public than the fun, caring father he was at home, Deborah said.

“If we went to an event together, he’d tell me to go away. He’d put his arm around other women and tell dirty jokes,” she said. “It was like I wasn’t his wife.”

The two clashed over their construction business. At work and home, the most burdensome jobs were left to Deborah.

“He resented that I was just not the woman that he could tell to sit and behave,” she said.

Then, three years ago, Deborah heard Eric take a coworker’s call. “It’s just a business call,” he told his wife, but she thought otherwise.

Little by little, the truth began coming out, Deborah said.

Eric confessed to her a year ago that the woman on the phone that day hadn’t been the only one. They began seeing a marriage counselor and a therapist. Now, she combs through his past with questions in her mind.

Old day planners tell her when he took off work to see another woman. She looks at pictures of them smiling with their daughters and thinks, Was he really happy on that ski trip? Was he looking for something out there?

Starting over

In August, they closed the business and are now planning to move to their 400-acre ranch in Ocala. It will take the rest of his life to finally be a good husband, Eric said.

Leaving a successful construction business is a small gesture on the path to redemption.

“Nothing else matters in life except my marriage now,” he said. “If you can lie to your wife, how the hell could anybody else in the world trust you?”

For many years, Eric didn’t give friends and co-workers reason to trust him, either, he said.” A lot of people know the rotten side of me that my wife didn’t know,” Eric said.

That includes former colleagues who knew about – and condoned – his infidelity. The billboards, Eric said, were also aimed at them. “These are the people who need to know that I’m no longer who I was. I want them to know that my wife is not a fool and the only reason we’re still together is by her grace.”

The women he once slept with need to know it too, he said. That’s why there’s now a billboard in Brandon.

It’s miles from the Joswigs’ Seminole home, but near where some of the other women live.

He said he’ll continue to put up billboards for special occasions, persevering just as he did when he first noticed Deborah working at a Kmart back in high school near Pittsburgh.

“Please don’t think my wife has forgiven me. I devastated her,” he said. “But we are finding each other again.”

For Deborah, the billboards aren’t a quick cure-all. Repairing their marriage is an ongoing process, she said. She sees the billboards as a public-service announcement. “We are coming out and letting people know it’s okay to move on from something like this and fix it,” she said.

Eric, Deborah said, is now a different person than the man who hurt her so many times.

He has removed himself from the places and people that brought him down and worked on finding himself and his faith in God. “I’ve seen him change,” she said. “Why should I leave him now, now that he’s trying?”

Amanda Palleschi can be reached at 661-2456 or

Infidelity is in the Air for Road Warriors says USA Today

Infidelity is in the AirMelissa cheats on her husband on business trips but not in her hometown. “That would be lethal,” she says.

Like many frequent business travelers, she uses the protection of the road to live a secret life of romance far from spouses or partners. Their affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years. They’re usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they encounter often during repeat visits to a city.

TELL US: What do you do when you’re bored on a business trip?

“Business travel creates an opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes,” says infidelity expert Ruth Houston, author of Is he Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.

While no one has specifically studied business travel and infidelity, academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home. And the heightened exposure of business travelers to the possibility of infidelity increases the prospects that they and their employers could be left to air the details of their affairs in the courts or in the press.

The infidelities of traveling athletes, movie stars, musicians and other celebrities are standard tabloid fare. Joumana Kidd, the wife of NBA star Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets, for example, accused him in February in a divorce-court filing of affairs with various women in different cities.

An affair led to the downfall of former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, who worked in Chicago and was asked to resign in 2005 after he had an extramarital affair with Debra Peabody, a Washington, D.C.-based vice president at the company. Both subsequently resigned.

In December, Julie Roehm, a former senior vice president at Wal-Mart, sued the company, claiming that it had violated her contract when she was fired that month. Wal-Mart countersued, alleging that she went on business trips and violated company policy by having an affair with a married man who worked for her. Wal-Mart said it is against company policy for an employee to become romantically involved with someone he or she supervises. “Associates who violate this policy will be subject to immediate termination,” it said.

Roehm, who also is married, said she is the victim of a “smear campaign.”

Only a minority of companies have specific policies regulating workplace romance, says Mark Oldman, co-founder of Vault, a company specializing in career information. “Most employers don’t want to reach into the personal life of employees or give the perception of trying to do so.”

But some companies expressly prohibit romantic relationships between employees, says Peter Petesch, a lawyer at Ford & Harrison, a national firm specializing in labor and employment law. “In the middle of these extremes are policies that require disclosure of relationships or bar relationships between persons in a supervisor-subordinate status,” he says.

Michael Lotito, an employment lawyer at law firm Jackson Lewis, says companies could face sexual-harassment claims when workers hook up on the road. “A relationship may begin in a welcome way, but sometime in the future, one person may want it to stop,” he says. “Suddenly, the events take on a different tone.”

Workplace romance could also influence awarding of contracts and cause “economic harm” to a company, Lotito says.

Hurt vs. liability

But not all the affairs occurring during business travel involve co-workers, and most never make headlines. For many business travelers, the hurt they inflict on spouses and family usually outweighs the liability they create for employers.

Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of heterosexual marriages in the USA, according to Adrian Blow, a Michigan State University professor who is a marriage and family therapist. The studies show that more men than women are cheating, but none have specifically looked at business travelers.

That group is likely to have a higher infidelity rate, Blow and other experts say, because many factors make cheating easier. Among them: freedom from a spouse’s scrutiny and home responsibilities, more opportunities to meet new people, and the near-constant availability of alcohol at after-hour meals and social events.

Chris Arnzen of the National Institute of Marriage, a non-profit Christian counseling service, says business travel often involves competition for a sale or contract, and some people view sex as “a way to celebrate a success or soothe a defeat.” If that’s their outlook, “It sets them up for infidelity,” she says.

University of Washington sociology professor Pepper Schwartz says, for some, cheating while on the road involves less guilt.

“There seems to be a feeling,” says Schwartz, “that a fling at a convention, an interesting person met on a plane or a chance encounter is somehow more blameless than something done in one’s hometown or with a friend in one’s social circle.”

For Melissa, an affair added spice to her life and eased the loneliness of the road.

“You’re in your room alone at the end of the night and have to sleep with the remote,” she says.

She and four other frequent business travelers who have been involved in affairs on the road talked to USA TODAY about their experiences, as did the wife of one of the business travelers. Each asked to remain anonymous because of unsuspecting family members, friends and co-workers.

Melissa, who is in her 40s and has been married for more than 20 years, says every few months on business trips she sleeps in a hotel with a married man in her company who lives in another state. “It’s not necessarily healthy,” she says, “but it gives me a reason to keep going.”

Melissa says she’s in love with her co-worker and doesn’t have any guilt. She says she has a “stagnant, brother-and-sister relationship” with her husband and loves him “as the father of my children.”

She and her lover were drinking at a bar when they first were attracted to one another and realized they were more than friends.

Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says business travelers “are on a slippery slope headed for trouble” any time they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals together, have time “to build a social, platonic friendship” and return to the same hotel. “Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster; and availability lights the fire.”

Robert, a married business traveler in the Midwest, says he has three steady lovers in three cities. He says his relationship with his wife is unfulfilling. “What makes her happy doesn’t make me happy,” he says. “At home, we have one giver, me, and one taker, her. I want a synergism where you love someone, and they love you.”

Robert, in his 60s, says he hasn’t told his wife about his three lovers. He met them on the Internet, and each one is married. Two of their husbands are unaware of him, but one has an “open marriage,” he says.

When traveling, “You don’t feel so attached to family and community,” says Dan, a 48-year-old marketing executive in the Phoenix area whose affair with a client was a factor in his divorce. “Your standards and morals tend to change a bit.”

Salespeople, he says, call it the 1,000-mile rule. “Within 1,000 miles of home, you play by the rules and don’t fool around,” he says. “Beyond 1,000 miles, you can do whatever you want.”

Most affairs involve people who aren’t meeting for the first time, says Frank Pittman, an Atlanta-based psychiatrist and author of a book,Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy.

And people in certain professions —athletes, military officers, pilots, lawyers, doctors and others in “high-profile” jobs — are more prone to have affairs, says Frederick DiBlasio, a University of Maryland professor of social work and a therapist. They have fame, power or wealth, and their positions tend to attract suitors, he says.

Stephanie, a frequent business traveler who had a past affair on the road, says she’s seen married people at trade shows act “like wild animals,” usually with other business people. “Trade shows are where the most infidelities take place,” she says.

Stephanie disapproves of the many married business travelers she has seen having “one- or two-night stands” on the road. She admits, though, that she and her current husband were on business trips and had an affair while married to their first spouses. Her first husband was also having affairs on road trips and at home, she says.

Still, “I don’t think my own affair was OK,” she says.

On the road, “There’s a sense of safety and a general rationalization that what the partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them,” says psychologist Peggy Vaughan, who has a website,, for people recovering from affairs. Some business people believe “it’s the norm to have affairs on the road,” because it’s “what successful, well-traveled people do,” she says.

Vaughan and her husband, James, also a psychologist, wrote a book, Beyond Affairs, in 1980 that discusses his past affairs while traveling on business. They have been married for 51 years.

Fewer people get caught “when they restrict their affairs only to out-of-town adventures,” she says. But there’s a tendency for those who don’t get caught “to gradually increase the risks they take, including moving into the more dangerous ground of in-town affairs.”

If they get caught cheating, or admit their ways, it can devastate their family relationships.

A California-based frequent traveler, also named Robert, confessed to his wife in November that he had had two out-of-town affairs since they wed about five years ago. They are undergoing intensive marriage counseling, and it’s been an “extremely painful process” trying to rebuild their relationship, he says. Robert says he was always drunk during his affairs and realizes they were an outgrowth of his upbringing. “I was raised in an alcoholic family, and I had no discipline or obedience,” he says.

His current wife says there was also a breakdown in their relationship at home before his infidelity on the road. “The stresses and demands on our lives were overwhelming,” she says.

Robert says two of his affairs were with employees who worked for him, and it would have been detrimental to his career if his employer knew about them.

“It was a conflict of interest, and I could have been fired,” he says.

A long way in a short time

Robert and his wife believe they can put the pieces of their marriage back together. They hired Carder to counsel them and believe they’ve come a long way in a short time. Carder has, among other things, made them look for the real reasons Robert strayed and made them rediscover why they were initially attracted to one another. “The key to saving any relationship after infidelity,” Carder says, “depends on the percentage of good history a couple has shared, identification of the contributing factors and stresses surrounding the inappropriate sexual relationship, the willingness to forgive and the restoration of respect and trust.”

“I’m beyond optimistic,” Robert’s wife says. “I know my marriage is going to make it.”

Only time will tell, but many other marriages dissolve after a spouse cheats on a business trip, says infidelity expert Anne Bercht. She wrote a bookabout her husband Brian’s affair.

Many business travelers “have aged 10 years in two years,” she says, “and lost jobs, marriages, respect of children, self-respect, friends and a great amount of wealth as a result of what began as a business trip, a drink or two and some flattery.”

Let’s offer some help for the cheaters out there. What do you do when you’re bored on a business trip? Keep it clean.

What Makes People Cheat on a Spouse?


Most people either know of or have been affected in some way by infidelity. Infidelity can be physical or emotional. Physical infidelity usually involves sexual contact, but can also involve touching, kissing or other types of physical contact. Emotional infidelity can be more subtle, such as lunch dates, flirting, sharing intimate information and online chatting.

The line between casual friendships and emotional infidelity can be very difficult to distinguish. A good question to ask yourself is: “Would I be engaging in this same behavior with this person if my partner was present?” If the answer is no, then you probably should stop what you’re doing.

There are a variety of reasons why people decide to be unfaithful. Some reasons involve one’s personality. An individual may enjoy the thrill and secrecy involved with cheating; we’ll call this the “007 cheater.” These people get a rush from engaging in “the forbidden.” They seek out excitement and enjoy the risks of their double life. However, the excitement eventually wears away and they inevitably leave their affair partner.

Another personality type is the “honeymoon cheater.” This individual is trying to re-live the honeymoon period associated with new relationships. The honeymoon stage usually occurs early on and disappears as couples get to know each other and personalities clash. To the “honeymoon cheater,” the affair partner represents a new and carefree life.

However, the honeymoon period, by definition, is only temporary. Therefore as the relationship ages, conflicts emerge and the honeymoon disappears along with the affair partner.

Other reasons can involve sexual incompatibility, which can lead a partner to stray. This happens when partners have differing sexual interests and one partner decides to fulfill sexual urges outside of the relationship. Sexual problems are usually not the core issue, but tend to be symptomatic of deeper problems in the relationship.

Another reason for infidelity may be a combination of lack of communication, martial dissatisfaction and opportunity. This happens when couples have such busy lives that they almost become strangers. The person develops deeper levels of intimacy with friends and co-workers, than with their spouse. In this case, emotional infidelity is likely to develop before physical infidelity.

Whatever the cause, affairs have devastating affects on the lives of the people involved. After the affair, couples often faces the difficult decision of determining whether or not to end the relationship. Are both willing and able to overcome, forgive and trust? Without trust and forgiveness, the issue will never be resolved.

If the couple stays together, they should determine what needs to happen in order to rebuild the relationship. Some behaviors and relationships will need to be changed.

This can be a tricky situation, because often an affair partner may be someone who must be in a couple’s life (i.e. coworker). The principal question is what is the couple willing to do to save the relationship? Surviving infidelity is not something that a couple has to do alone, as there is always professional help available.

Nydia Conrad is studying for her doctorate in clinical psychology at Argosy University and counsels children and families at Manatee Glens Hospital. Manatee Glens welcomes your questions about mental health and substance abuse matters. For further information, call 782-4299.

A NEW YOU: Mental Health Minute


Is Your Spouse Cheating on You? Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses

Gerry Restrivera
March 31, 2007

Unless your spouse is a ‘smart’, careful cheater, there are always tell-tale signs that he or she is being unfaithful to you. Warning signs of cheating spouses manifest themselves through changes in your spouse’s behavior and routine. These changes may be either subtle or obvious and when confronted, your spouse may either deny or dismiss it but never have an explanation for it. These could be hints or warning signs of cheating spouses.

However, changes in behavior are not always warning signs of cheating spouses, so be careful about jumping to conclusions. If your spouse has not been acting ‘normal’ lately, it could be several things: sickness, stress caused by work, problems with money your spouse doesn’t want to discuss or maybe even tame activities he or she is too embarrassed to tell you, at least for now. Remember Richard Gere’s affair with ballroom dancing in ‘Shall We Dance’?

But if your spouse has no other obvious reason for a change in behavior, cheating may be the cause. How do you tell? Here are some of the most common warning signs of cheating spouses.

One of the warning signs of cheating spouses is being too nice, all of a sudden. This is a behavior change that cheating spouses often do to assuage their feelings of guilt. By being extra nice, affectionate and attentive, they are trying to make up for the fact that they are cheating on you. It lessens the sense of culpability in a way, because you’re not being taken for granted or abandoned. It may also be a strategy to make you think everything’s okay. This sudden change is a warning signs of cheating spouses and you must recognize it.

Being too hard on you. This is another tricky warning signs of cheating spouses. Spouses who cheat on their husbands or wives develop a quick temper for no reason. Suddenly, tiny mistakes that they used to overlook or laugh off become big issues. They react negatively on everything you or your children do — something they never did before.

Being bored about everything. They find you boring, they find your house boring, they find your old friends boring, and they find everything boring. Suddenly, they prefer to do things alone or with their buddies. They exclude their families from their plans and if you ask for more information or if you could join, they become cagey and encourage you to go out on your own or with your friends.

Acting distant. Intimacy is fading or just plain gone. There’s a sudden loss of sexual interest and appetite and you get rejected for your advances more often for no reason. Be alarmed if spouses are suddenly acting distant as this maybe a warning signs of cheating spouses.

Change in grooming habits, this is sometimes a trace or warnings signs of cheating spouses. They become more careful with their looks, take more baths, put on new colognes or perfumes, buy new wardrobe. They may even suddenly get the urge to join health clubs and spend more money on cosmetics and skin care products.

Unexplained absence or time away. Unless the highway going to your house has been undergoing some serious repair, your spouse should have no reason to take hours to come home. And if they do come home late, they often try to explain it with some vague story. They may also call to tell you they’re doing overtime again, although for some reason, the extra hours don’t show up on their paycheck. They begin consuming more gas for the car and have unexplained mileage. This is a very serious warning signs of cheating spouses that you must recognize.

Also included in the warning signs of cheating spouses is unexplained spending. There are receipts for things they can’t account for, unexplained charges appear on credit card bills and more spending on things you never see.

Unexplained phone calls are also another warning signs of cheating spouses. Someone (a man or a woman) you don’t know calls your home and doesn’t identify themselves (on a touch tone phone, find out who this is by punching *69). Your spouse will talk in whispers over the phone and suddenly hang up when you appear. You’re not allowed to answer a ringing phone or strange phone numbers begin appearing repetitively on the phone bill or even on the mobile phone statement. Cheating spouses will turn off their mobile phones often, making it difficult for you to reach them.

Cheating Wives – Female Infidelity

The East African Standard (Nairobi)
March 3, 2007
Posted to the web March 2, 2007

By Beatrice Obwocha

For long, the society has tolerated married men having extramarital affairs. It is an almost forgone conclusion that a man has to cheat on his wife or partner at any one time.

This is why there are expressions like “Men are polygamous by nature”.

The traditional African society also advocated polygamy.

Today, a high number of men continue to have mistresses and often get away with a mere slap on the wrist once their wives catch them.

But there is now a worrying trend of wives cheating on their husbands. This is more common among urban women, although similar cases have been reported in the rural areas.

Caught in the act

In the West, cheating by both husbands and wives is common.

In the US, couple therapists report a 50 percent increase in female infidelity. In 2004, Newsweek magazine carried a main story detailing how wives were cheating on their husbands: “The New Infidelity: from office affairs to Internet hook-ups, more wives are cheating too,” read the title of the article.

But woe unto those who have been caught in the act in the local scene. Tales of husbands beating their wives and lovers senseless or even killing them after catching them are commonplace.

Julliet Kwamboka-Single

No, there is a reason we got married and why should l cheat to hit back? I will confront him and find a way of sorting out the problem.

But with economic empowerment, more women have become aware of “their rights” and some have mustered the art of cheating.

Some years back, women would slip into depression over their husbands’ unfaithfulness or any marital mistreatment, but today, some will spruce themselves up and go out to meet a lover.

What is the real reason behind this behaviour that is threatening to tear the marriage institution apart?

Some women told their story to Instinct under strict confidentiality.


Daisy*, 38, decided to have an affair as a form of revenge when she discovered that her husband was cheating on her.

“I was very hurt and confronted him but he denied. After this, he went back to his mistress,” she says.

Daisy says the affair made her feel that she had “scored equally” with her husband.

“I feel triumphant. He started it, so it is tit for tat,” she says.

But Daisy is positive that her husband does not know about her dark little secret. She is sleeping with a man younger than her, which, she says, “adds to the thrill”.

No excitement in marriage

Mercy* who has been married for 10 years with three children, has been in an extra-marital affair for three years.

“I am doing this because the excitement in my marriage is dead. Everything, including lovemaking, has become a routine,” she says.

Mercy says the first five years of marriage were bliss. But after the second baby, matters took a nose-dive.

“I was a mum and a career woman. My husband was also engrossed in his job and soon, we hardly made love,” she says.

She adds that her husband no longer pays much attention to her.

“After some time, I met a married man at a friend’s wedding and the attraction was mutual.

“The man appreciates me and he is not boring. He has made me very happy and injected meaning into my life. I have no doubt that I love my husband, but I need more since I am a human being with emotions,” she says.

Mercy says she is no longer disgruntled in the bedroom because she is getting “hot loving” elsewhere.

“I believe this affair is keeping my marriage together, although I have to be very discreet because I never want my husband to find out,” she says.


For June*, it is an issue of distance.

“My husband works in Mombasa and I live with the children in Nakuru. He rarely comes home except for a few days when he is on leave.

“I am a housewife and we have built a house in Nakuru. I cannot join my husband since we agreed that I should take care of the children and run the home,” she says.

June adds: “I did not plan to have an affair; I was lonely and most of the time, this family friend was around especially in times of emergencies. Then it sort of happened.”

She sometimes feels guilty but says having a lover helps because there are times she needs someone to talk to.

“When my husband and I converse, it is on pressing issues concerning the children or bills. There are things I cannot tell him on the phone because it is costly and time-consuming” she says.

Sex for money

Mary’s* story almost borders on the sleazy. She is having an affair with her boss because she needs money to supplement her income.

She says her husband is a casual labourer and his wages can hardly sustain the family.

“I love my husband and I would never want him to find out. He does not know how much I earn and thinks that the extra cash is out of my own sweat,” says the office clerk.

Abusive man

Nancy* says she and her husband have been having problems for some time and the tension has led her to have an affair.

“My husband is abusive and contemptuous. He never listens to my ideas even when they involve serious issues like investment. He takes me for granted which makes me unhappy,” she says.

Her husband has also lost interest in sex and Nancy suspects that he gets it somewhere else.

“I have had an affair for six months with a man who finds me desirable and my views sensible.

“But I still love my husband despite the way he treats me and I do not want to leave him, especially because of the children,” she says.

Sexual needs

Ms Eunice Njenga, a counsellor, says women sometimes cheat due to lack of sexual satisfaction.

“Women too have sexual needs, contrary to the belief that they can take anything in the bedroom. If the longing is too much, they can be forced to get a lover to meet this physical need,” she says.

She says this also explains why older women go for younger men. “They believe the younger men have more sexual prowess,” says Njenga.

Some women also have affairs with men from their past.

“At times, an old affair can be rekindled if the woman is not happy at home,” says the expert.

A woman’s friends can also influence her to get a lover.

“Hearing friends narrate the thrills of their little sexual escapades can tempt her to try the same especially if she is in a drab marriage,” she adds.

No to divorce

Njenga says women who have affairs always have reasons to justify this but hardly want their husbands to divorce them.

But she warns that the woman has to live with the consequences which can turn nasty especially if she is discovered. This is because the society is not tolerant of promiscuous women, more so, wives. The scorn is unimaginable.

“First, the cheating wife is always under emotional pressure since she has to carefully cover her tracks lest she is found out. Any slip-up can mean an instant end of her marriage,” she says.

She is also forced to lie to her husband every time she has to meet her lover, which may eat into her consciensce, leading to stress.

The cheating wife is subjected to undignified behaviour since she has to hide from people who know her lest they tell her husband.

Men resort to violence

Grace Gatuai, also a marriage counsellor, adds that if the woman chooses to end the affair but her lover does not want to, he can tell her husband to hit back, leading to unimaginable consequences.

Njenga says there is also a risk of the woman infecting her husband with a sexually transmitted disease, so she lives under constant fear.

In the event of being found out, most men would divorce or separate from their wives.

“Women easily forgive cheating husbands but the reverse is not true,” she says.

Even if a woman was doing it to hit back at a cheating husband, the latter would still not budge.

Njenga says men suffer from intense jealousy and one might resort to violence if he discovers his wife’s affair.

“Cases of men beating or killing their wives together with their lovers are common. Men are egocentric and do not like sharing their women,” she says.

Njenga says some women who cheat for revenge might not care much if their husbands discover, unlike those who do for excitement.

Gatuai says having an affair may not always be the solution.

“You can be with your lover but still miss your husband’s arms. Thus, the affair makes you more depressed than happy,” she says.

Gatuai advises women to face their husbands and address their concerns. If the man does not change, one has the option of walking away rather than engaging affairs that only add fuel to her guilt and fear.