Archive for category: Infidelity Information

Men have a way of wanting to hurt others and yet if the same hurt and pain is inflicted on them, they are the first to cry foul.

Which takes me back to a time long back when I was still in the nerve-wrecking institution called marriage and my husband had this nerve of coming home in the early hours of the morning while I was stuck at home with the children.

Then one day I decided enough was enough and joined my girlfriends for a ladies only session at one girl’s house where we sat, talked, laughed and tried to put our marital woes behind.

Needless to say, time flew past and I got home around 22.30 to find the man of the house pacing up and down the corridor with a worried and annoyed look on his handsome face.

It was quite amazing because I had told him where I was going to be and considering the times he often came home, he should have been the last man to complain and rant and rave about the need to be considerate about a spouse’s needs. However, men will always be men the sooner women realise this the better.

I do understand the issue of women who know they are being hurt but just never have the guts to walk away.

While I do understand this fact about women, I do not always believe in it and many a time I have ended up alone and miserable after having dumped a man who was not treating me well.

There was a time I was in a beautiful relationship with a guy who was fine and whom I loved so wholeheartedly.

Things were so good between us such that my sixth sense was even convinced that we would end up as husband and wife.

Trouble started when he seemed to have no respect for me when it came to keeping appointments and dates as it seemed that whenever he met his boys for a drink, he would banish me to the back of his mind and show up as and when he was through with the stuff that boys do.

I ignored this behaviour the first two instances it happened and advised him to mend his ways or risk losing something I knew we both treasured.

He promised to change and I foolishly believed him just the way a woman who is totally in love does but the final straw was soon to come. He stood me up for an important date and rocked up at my place very late and for me that was enough.

I did not want him to stop hanging out with the boys, all I wanted was to be advised if he couldn’t make it so I could make my own plans but in this case, I realized the brother man was taking me for granted and expecting me just to hang in there and wait as if he was the last man on earth.

Yes I did love this man and still have images of a love that was so beautiful in all other ways except time keeping. However, fact is a man has got to respect his woman if the relationship is to survive.

It has been a while since I walked away and in my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing and I hope he learnt something from this painful break-up that we both had to endure.

At times we need to be hurt in order to make a point to men and while I know it may be too much for women who dread leaving the comfort of their homes, breaking up the children, being cold alone on a winter night, etc. the same women should consider the results of their decision to stay.

A woman I knew for many years and whom I loved so dearly had a husband who walked out on her to marry a woman whose wayward ways were known in the town where they all lived.

He was gone for five years which was ample time for him to contract the deadly HIV from this new wife of his and despite people’s warnings and pleas, he turned a deaf ear.

Then things went wrong and he decided to go back to his faithful wife who had battled it alone for five years looking after their only daughter.

I was quite young, just out of my teens when it became apparent that he wanted to come back and I pleaded with this woman not to take him back or at least be very cautrious if she wanted to reconcile with him.

My advice fell on deaf ears and four years from the time that he returned home, she passed away, having endured an agonizing and painful death which still brings tears to my eyes although almost ten years have gone by since she left.

That woman was, is and will always be someone I hold most dear and who I will always miss. She was, is and will always be my aunt, my mother’s youngest sister.

I can only hope that not too many women have to go through this, maybe that is why I am not ready to compromise much when it comes to wayward men and while I know it is man’s nature to cheat, it need not put others at risk, neither do men have to be careless as to leave evidence of their betrayal for all to see.

I suppose that what you don’t know or see wont hurt you but in this day and age, one can only hope not to get caught but in the end the result of the cheating will always come out as the disease catches up with the individual if not with all the people involved.

It is one of the reasons why women should always insist on protection unless one is sure that she is in a monogamous relationship and in this vein I am not even sure how the woman is supposed to know that the man is not playing games.

In conclusion, I hope that men will learn to treasure the women who truly love them and not subject them to painful deaths and emotional stress all because of an urge to enjoy themselves.

As for women, let us not be too understanding and accommodating in all instances lest men take us as their doormats and walk all over us as they please.

So come on women, move on, it will not be easy but try and save yourselves from future pain and the deadly disease. It is now or never.

By Pat Burson
Newsday

You’re reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Although the figures remained relatively stable for men throughout that time, Smith says the numbers for women fluctuated between 11 percent and 14 percent, indicating a “small but clear upward trend.”

So, how can you be so sure they are — or aren’t?

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs to look for, they’ll point you to the answer.

You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out hundreds — or thousands — of dollars to hire a private detective. You also can invest in the newest high-tech products on the market — computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them — in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says his company recently began marketing a patented home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate’s clothing that are normally impossible to see or feel. Protein and enzyme formulas included in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you’ve collected in an enclosed envelope to a laboratory for testing to determine whether they match your DNA, your mate’s — or someone else’s. The kit costs $79.95 (877-362-9900 or www.trutestinc.com). Sending specimens for laboratory DNA testing will cost at least $500.

High-tech checking

Suspicious spouses also are using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates’ whereabouts.

Larry Wasylin, vice president of sales and marketing for Magnolia Broadband of Bedminster, N.J., has seen it firsthand in recent months during business trips to Asia. In one instance, he says, he was dining at a restaurant when a colleague pulled out and stared at his cellphone.

“I said, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘I’m looking to see where my wife is.’ She was picking up the kids from an after-school program. He said, ‘She’ll be home in about 30 minutes.’ They’re marketing it right now under the brand iKids,” he adds. ‘The idea is, it allows parents to ensure the safety of their children. … It’s not confined to children. People like to know where their spouses are.”

Cellphones that capture video can do the same thing, he says, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

Wasylin says he also saw reports about a new chip inserted into a cellphone to allow suspicious husbands and wives to listen in on their spouses’ calls without them knowing.

Some are using the images they’ve seen and conversations they’ve heard to confront the cheaters.

He says you can expect to see this technology hit U.S. markets in the not-so-distant future.

Use all your senses

To Ruth Houston, author of “Is He Cheating on You? — 829 Telltale Signs” (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won’t tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they’re doing or with whom. Computer spyware will tell you the content of the e-mails going back and forth, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.

Even private investigators are limited by what you tell them. The more detailed information you can give them, the better.

“You don’t need a lot of gadgets,” says Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her.

“You can find countless signs of infidelity using only your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.”

That involves being tuned into your mate’s work habits, daily schedule, and likes and dislikes, Houston says.

“Then you can zero in on what’s happening. You will see changes across the board. There will be things you pick up in their conversation, personal hygiene, how they relate to you, personal behaviors, changes in all those areas,” which she lists on www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar, coming home late) and overlook the subtle clues, Houston says.

For instance, your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, like volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills — a job you’ve been doing — to give you, he or she says, a much-needed break.

“You say, ‘That’s nice,’ but maybe he doesn’t want you to see the bills and what he’s been spending his money on,” Houston says.

Once you have proof

Don’t confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof.

Even with that, some cheaters will never admit betrayal, says Mark Barondess, a Los Angeles attorney and author of the new book “What Were You Thinking?: $600-Per-Hour Legal Advice on Relationships, Marriage & Divorce” (Phoenix, $25.95).

“They could be having sex right in front of their spouse and tell them, ‘It wasn’t me,’ ” he says.

“People will do and say anything they possibly can to avoid admitting they were caught cheating.”

When you confront your spouse about suspicions, pay close attention to his or her reactions, looking for anything that would be a break from the norm: a glitch in his body language or a change in the cadence or pitch of her voice, says Greg Hartley, a U.S. Army interrogator for 15 years who co-authored the new book “How to Spot a Liar: Why People Don’t Tell the Truth … and How You Can Catch Them” (Career Press, $14.99).

“This is what catches most liars: We can’t practice, rehearse or create enough details to sustain a lie. It’s the little details that break a story,” Hartley says.

“You can ask, ‘Where were you at 2 this afternoon?’ I can lie and say, ‘I was at work.’ But if I ask you to give me a timeline of your day, the details will bite you.”

Hartley’s co-author, Maryann Karinch, also says it’s important to approach the conversation logically and calmly so that it doesn’t get ugly or out of control.

Ultimately, Karinch says, you have to ask yourself which outcome you want: To catch your spouse in a lie? To salvage your marriage? To get a big divorce settlement? To hear he or she is deeply sorry?

“If you want to save the marriage and you are genuinely distressed that the person is cheating on you, then you need to come directly into contact with this person about the facts of the matter and the emotions of the matter,” she says.

 

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