General information about infielity that does not directly relate to private investigations but may be of value to our readers.

A Spectrum of Fidelity

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HERE I STAND
By Geronimo L. Sy

IS man really polygamous by nature? Our everyday experience seems to say yes, without a shadow of doubt that man is incapable of undying love and unending fidelity. The broken families, the annulments and separations, the changing of boyfriends and girlfriends are all the signs and evidence around us that establish the case to be so.

Let us take the case of a married man and analyze him in a spectrum of fidelity, rather, one of infidelity. He may be a good provider to his family and is there for the members for the important occasions. He helps out with chores, works hard and shops with the wife. His weakness is when he goes out with the boys, they could end up in a massage parlor which offers more than the usual spa. There is no commitment of any kind and is simply a transactional relationship. Most women might turn a blind eye on this and shrug it off as man’s need. The next level will be that he and his regular barkada purposely go out for a one-night fun. There is still no commitment and the relationship may or may not be transactional. The difference now is the intent of the husband. That he goes out and gives in to peer pressure or he purposely seeks out temptations of the flesh. Many women may understand this and attribute it to the need for diversion as long as he comes home.

The next step (not that it connotes a regression or a progression) is when a husband fools around with a casual girl. It is not a one-time thing but could go on for a brief period of time. The thrill is in the escapades is his mindset. This is exacerbated if the girl happens to be a coworker or his secretary. Now, most, if not all, women will no longer be sympathetic to this situation since it is definitely not a temporary thing. There is a certain measure of frequency or regularity that involves the realm of feelings. And women can be most jealous in this arena. Pure lust they may understand, but when it involves emotions or a dose thereof, it’s a totally different ballgame.

The last range is when the husband maintains a girlfriend or a mistress. This can be done by supporting her financially to the extent of providing another house complete with driver and maid. Binahay—it’s called in the vernacular. By this time, the matrimonial relationship is clearly on the rocks and nerves are frayed. There is no doubt that the husband is cheating on his wife. He may choose to leave his legitimate family and totally abandon them for his new love. This is the final end of the range of infidelity, of disloyal behavior.

It is not to be understood that when a husband goes wayward even for an instance, he is not already a cheater. The social reality is that such morality is not condemned. (Though having multiple partners nowadays is not an ostracizing factor either.) It means that in the spectrum of fidelity, there are numerous factors that come into consideration like the number and age of children, the status of the family, the personal dynamics of the spouses and the support groups that explain why the husband strayed.

Of course and to be fair to mankind, the above acts of infidelity are equally applicable to women—from trysts with past lovers or drivers to relationships with officemates and bosses. Welcome to the real world where men and women are equal in this respect.

The package of responses of the innocent spouse is directly related and proportional to which part of the range the husband falls under. It may be one of being indifferent or choosing to ignore the issue, to the point of fighting with flower vases, filing cases against each other and up to shooting the other. Indeed it is a sad reality that for two people who fell in love deeply and swore to be together no matter what end up hating each other more than anyone else in the world and for life at that.

Come to think of it and especially in the spirit of Christmas, there cannot be a spectrum of fidelity. Fidelity requires one constant continuous act of loving and being present and does not brook any excuse for polygamous nature regardless of its social acceptability. Any deviation from the purest form of love does not do justice to our commitment. Either spouse should not agree to anything less. There is, however, in fact a range of infidelity that man or woman can be both guilty of. Man is inherently weak and prone to err although we can choose to forgive a repentant heart. Thus, amid the furtive glances and full-blown scandals, it is a challenge for us in these modern and interesting times to stay true to our word and to our bond, to stay in love and to always keep the faith. Merry Christmas!

Need an Alibi for Cheating?

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If you need an alibi for cheating on your wife or skipping out on a day of work, The Situation’s Tucker Carlson talks to a man who says he can give you one, for a small fee.

MSNBC
TRANSCRIPT
Updated: 2:32 p.m. ET Dec. 14, 2005

Tucker Carlson
Anchor, ‘The Situation’

If you’ve been naughty this year, you may want to treat yourself to a unique gift this holiday season from AlibiNetwork.com, a web site where you can literally buy yourself an alibi.

Whether you’re cheating on your wife, you’ve skipped a day at work, or you’re just a dirtball in general, the Alibi Network will provide you with everything you need to cover your tracks.

On Tuesday, MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson welcomed “Jeffrey” from the Alibi Network to explain how it works. Jeffrey insisted that his identity be concealed to protect his clients.

 

TUCKER CARLSON: So you basically are a lying service for people. I don’t mean that in a pejorative way. Why would people call you? Give me examples of why people would want your services.

JEFFREY: Well, for many, many years, and centuries, et cetera, people have been using, let’s say, friends or associates to, let’s say, cover things up. And that’s what we do, except that there’s no concern about anybody finding out or having to worry about the friend or the confidante exposing you for any mishaps that might have happened.

CARLSON: So let’s say I’m doing something wrong. Let’s say you say off your web site, and say I wanted to blow off a day at work. And I call you up. What would you do for me?

JEFFREY: Well, blowing off work is an easy one. Anybody can do that. Not a real popular service, we certainly can call in for you. We can provide excuses. For instance, doctor’s call from the doctor’s office, with the actual doctor’s office on the caller I.D.

… If they choose to call to verify, we could make the number appear to be a doctor’s office when it’s actually going to our call center.

CARLSON: Amazing. That’s impressive. …

JEFFREY: … Well, our main concern here is basically helping people get away with extramarital affairs, relationships. We also help people with their image. If they want to be pursued as somebody more important than they are, to impress somebody, we handle that. …

CARLSON: OK. I’ll try this one. Let’s say I wanted a raise.

JEFFREY: Yes.

CARLSON: Here at MSNBC.

JEFFREY: OK.

CARLSON: Could you convince management here that I had an offer from the Food Network or the Weather Channel?

JEFFREY: Oh, absolutely. I mean, we could send e-mails. We could make phone calls on voice mails. Stating that we’re from another company, that we’re really interested in the certain person to work for us, and we can certainly do that.

CARLSON: That’s amazing.

Now, you said that a lot of people who contact you are cheating on their spouses and they want your help. What do they want you to do?

JEFFREY: Well, the people that are using our service for that, to us, what it is is they’re very much concerned with their family and their home situation. They want to keep their marriage. They want to keep their family situation. It’s a short-term, let’s say, a short-term affair that they want covered up.

Get it out of your system, the seven-year itch, so to speak and get it done and move on and put it behind you and not — and spare the spouse and the children the hurt.

CARLSON: What is your personal favorite alibi you’ve come up with?

JEFFREY: Well, most of the alibis are 99 percent concocted by our clients, but we have a lot of clients that come to us and say, well, we want to spend a weekend somewhere with a significant other, or somebody else.

And, well, what we do is we provide seminars, training classes, very elaborate, let’s say, hoaxes to make it appear that the person is, indeed, in a business atmosphere instead of a pleasure atmosphere.

CARLSON: Wow, so you’re going to Barbados for that dental conference, but in fact, you’re going with your girlfriend.

JEFFREY: Exactly. Or anywhere in the world, we provide phone numbers from anyplace in the world. Again, the Caller I.D. will state whatever the client wants it to state, and we do it quite well.

CARLSON: That is diabolical. Jeffrey, does your wife know what you do for a living?

JEFFREY: Absolutely, yes, she does.

CARLSON: What does she think?

JEFFREY: Well, she thinks, as far as the way I explain it to her, which we believe here at Alibi Network, that if we’re doing this, we are saving marriages. The divorce rate — even if the divorce rate could go just a percentage lower than it is, then our job was well done because of the fact that people are not finding out. They move on with their life, and their family life remains the same, untouched.

CARLSON: So this is a pro-family service.

JEFFREY: Absolutely.

CARLSON: All right. Jeffrey, last name unknown, joining us by silhouette, from an unknown location, undisclosed. Thank you, Jeffrey, I appreciate it.

 

 

We find this to be a little outrageous, however, if you believe your spouse may be using an alibi for cheating, we can gladly help debunk the myth. Call us today to see how we can help!

How to Tell Your Partner is Cheating

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High-tech products or simple clues can provide answers

By Pat Burson
Newsday

Wilfred McNeil/The Clarion-Ledger

You’re reading the newspaper, and your husband or wife could be cheating on you at this very moment.

Not possible, you think?

Of the 19,000 U.S. adults responding anonymously to a national survey about their sexual behavior between 1991 and 2004, 13 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported having a sexual partner other than their spouse while they were married, says Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey at the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Although the figures remained relatively stable for men throughout that time, Smith says the numbers for women fluctuated between 11 percent and 14 percent, indicating a “small but clear upward trend.”

So, how can you be so sure they are — or aren’t?

Relationship and infidelity experts, private investigators, technology specialists and divorce attorneys say if you know the subtle and not-so-subtle signs to look for, they’ll point you to the answer.

You can put your five senses to work. Or you can shell out hundreds — or thousands — of dollars to hire a private detective. You can also invest in the newest high-tech products on the market — computer spyware, electronic tracking devices, in-home evidence-gathering kits among them — in an effort to catch cheating mates.

David Vitalli, a private investigator and chief executive of Tru-Test Forensic and Applied Sciences Corp. in Newburgh, N.Y., says that recently his company began marketing a patented home evidence-collection kit that will help spouses detect with 100 percent accuracy whether their mates have been intimate with someone else.

The kit contains an ultraviolet light that will detect stains on your mate’s clothing that are normally impossible to see or feel. Protein and enzyme formulas included in the kit also will identify the presence of bodily fluids. And if you require further proof, you can mail specimens you’ve collected in an enclosed envelope to a laboratory for testing to determine whether they match your DNA, your mate’s — or someone else’s. The kit costs $79.95 (1-877-362-9900 or www.trutestinc.com). Sending specimens for laboratory DNA testing will cost at least $500.

Suspicious spouses also are now using global positioning systems, or GPS, to track their mates’ whereabouts.

Larry Wasylin, vice president of sales and marketing for Magnolia Broadband of Bedminster, N.J., has seen it firsthand in recent months during business trips to Asia. In one instance, he says, he was dining at a restaurant when a colleague pulled out and stared at his cell phone.

“I said, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘I’m looking to see where my wife is.’ She was picking up the kids from an after-school program. He said, ‘She’ll be home in about 30 minutes.’ They’re marketing it right now under a brand iKids,” he adds. ‘The idea is it allows parents to ensure the safety of their children. … It’s not confined to children. People like to know where their spouses are.”

Cell phones that capture video can do the same thing, he says, allowing a private eye to tape your mate and then stream data to you.

Special to The Clarion-Ledger

To Ruth Houston, the New York author of Is He Cheating on You? — 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), gizmos and gadgets won’t tell the whole story. For example, she says, GPS will tell you where they are but not what they’re doing or with whom. Spyware on your computer will tell you the content of the e-mails going back and forth, but there is information you still will not be able to detect, such as the seriousness of the relationship or the identity of the other person.

“You don’t need a lot of gadgets,” says Houston, who has been researching infidelity for more than a decade since discovering her ex cheated on her. “If you know what to look for, you can find countless signs of infidelity using only your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.”

That involves being tuned into your mate’s work habits, daily schedule, and likes and dislikes, Houston says. “Then you can zero in on what’s happening. You will see changes across the board. There will be things you pick up in their conversation, personal hygiene, how they relate to you, personal behaviors, changes in all those areas,” which she lists on www.infidelityadvice.com.

Some focus on obvious signs (lipstick on the collar, coming home late) and overlook the subtle clues, Houston says. For instance, your spouse takes a sudden interest in things, like volunteering to take over paying the monthly bills — a job you’ve been doing — to give you, he or she says, a much-needed break.

“You say, ‘That’s nice,’ but maybe he doesn’t want you to see the bills and what he’s been spending his money on,” Houston says.

Don’t confront your spouse with only your suspicions, some say. Go with proof. Ultimately, Karinch says, you have to ask yourself which outcome you want. To catch your spouse in a lie? To salvage your marriage? To get a big divorce settlement? To hear he or she is deeply sorry?

New Scientific Test Reveals Cheaters

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Reveals Cheaters

BY JENICE M. ARMSTRONG
Knight Ridder Newspapers

Have you ever suspected your man of cheating but not been able to prove it?

If so, there’s a new kit that’s just been introduced that claims to help suspicious spouses gather “scientific” evidence of whether their mate has been sexually active. It’s called the Tru-test Home Collection Kit and retails for $79.95.

It comes with an ultraviolet light that allows you to detect invisible bodily fluid samples on bedsheets or clothing. You can either conduct the analysis yourself or mail what you’ve gathered back to the company for analysis.

“This is science,” David Vitalli, founder and chief executive of Tru-test Home Evidence Collection Kit, told me earlier this week. “If it’s there, it’s there. If it’s not, it’s not.”

Whatever. If you’ve worried enough to buy one of these kits, don’t you already have your answer? If homeboy’s staying out late night after night and coming home with another woman’s perfume on him, what more proof do you need? Or else, maybe there’s just something shady about him that makes you uneasy. Either way, your relationship is in trouble.

Still, there’s always the chance that you just may be feeling insecure. Or maybe you’re the type who needs concrete proof before even consider confronting a mate about your suspicions. So, I consulted experts in the cheating-spouse field to get their take on whether it makes sense to fork over nearly $100 for the likes of a Home Evidence Collection Kit.

“I’ve heard of the semen-detection kits. I don’t think they are very reliable,” said Danine Manette, who appeared on “Oprah” last spring on a show about cheating males.

“There are so many variables,” said Manette, the author of “Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity” (Square One, $12.95). “Hairs follow people from place to place. `Oh, this can be explained .'”

And, of course, one explanation might be that your man is just masturbating at home.

Manette, who caught her own husband of 12 years in an affair with an old girlfriend, favors using easy-to-get recording devices that allow you to tape-record telephone conversations.

“I need stuff that is undisputable, that absolutely positively nails them,” she said. “I’ll get in the car and follow you to see where you’re going.”

John Mayoue, an Atlanta-based divorce attorney who serves as a commentator on high-profile celebrity cases, pointed out that people are better off relying on tried and true methods.

“I’m not discounting , but I think the old-fashioned way tends to be more effective and that is looking at e-mails, credit-card receipts and cell-phone records,” he said. “That tends to be how we catch people traditionally.”

Besides, “how often are you going to find semen on your spouse?”

And, finally, I spoke with Susan Shapiro Barash, a professor of gender studies at New York City’s Marymount Manhattan College, who pointed out that on the plus side, the kits could serve as a conversation starter.

“Even if you don’t use it and you just purchase it, it almost gives the suspicious spouse the comfort and the strength to address their spouses and really confront them,” said Barash, whose latest book is “A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages” (Berkley Books, $12.95.)

“It’s not only to find out if your spouse is having an affair but to find out why and that’s really promising. Because if spouses were getting their needs met in the marriage, they wouldn’t go elsewhere.” Reveals cheaters

A Right Time to Fool Around?

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Some men cheat on their partners. So do some women. Now researchers say it is more than a wandering eye that might cause a woman to stray.
Maybe Diane Lane couldn’t help being Unfaithful it could have been her biology talking.

Feelings of lust actually may be rooted in women’s biology, according to a small study of 38 college women to be published online Wednesday in the scholarly journal Hormones and Behavior.

Studies from the University of California-Los Angeles and the University of New Mexico-Albuquerque suggest an evolutionary tendency toward infidelity during ovulation, which is the most fertile part of the menstrual cycle. The studies suggest the propensity is more likely if women don’t view their partners as sexy.

“Something biologically wakes up around high fertility and says, ‘Is your romantic partner the best sexual partner for you, given that you’re likely to conceive?’ ” says Martie Haselton, assistant professor of communication and psychology at UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution, and Culture.

Along those evolutionary lines, men more than women desire a variety of sexual partners because genes carrying that trait were passed along in men, Haselton says.

Women tend to be choosier, she says.

Previous research has found that women at midcycle report greater sexual attraction to men other than their partners. That is a result of the ancestral belief that good looks often equal good genes for offspring, so although the partner may be a good long-term mate and represent sought-after qualities in a father, a more physically attractive man may spark desire in ovulating women, she says.

“Those with stable but relatively unattractive guys are particularly attracted to other men at midcycle,” says Steven Gangestad, a psychology professor at New Mexico who helped analyze the data. “If a sexy guy is the primary partner, they don’t show the effect. This is about the men.”

Women don’t intend to feel attracted to others, Haselton says. “It’s a natural thing for women to kind of look around, and every once in a while to feel attracted to someone other than their partner. It does not mean the relationship is in peril.”

Study subjects completed questionnaires every day for 35 days in which they assessed their feelings and experiences as well as reporting how their partners behaved toward them. Most, but not all, reported having a partner.

Gangestad says men who aren’t necessarily tuned in to their partners’ cycles somehow are still aware that their ovulating women might stray. During such times, unattractive men were more attentive and possessive, but attractive guys didn’t shift their behavior, the women reported.

A second study involving 43 coeds who report their feelings during high and low points of fertility supports the findings.

Because both studies are small samples of students in relationships of varying seriousness, Gangestad says, the findings can be generalized only to the college population. Further study would be needed to say whether the findings apply to married couples or those in longer-term relationships.

“Haselton is not saying, ‘Go fool around on your guys in the middle of the month,’ ” says Daniel Fessler, director of the UCLA center. “She’s saying, ‘Women have changes in what they’re attracted to in ways that are predictable.’ “

Justifiable cheating

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Daddy Oh
Tony Robinson
Sunday, November 20, 2005

The gods are just, And of our pleasant vices
Make instruments to plague us.
– Shakespeare, King Lear.

What is a vice really, except some strange rule or law that determines mankind’s sexuality? And oh, how these change over the years.

Throughout the ages the Church has foisted on us the belief that men and women must not only get married and live together for ever and ever, but that they must never have sex with anyone else for as long as they are together, and even after they part, in some cases.

Enter monogamy, as unnatural a state as a pig dancing the tango. But still, society insists that is the way to go, even though it flies in the face of the natural order of things. As a result, people make promises or recite vows of fidelity then sneak around behind each others’ backs and then accuse each other of cheating.

“But you promised to be faithful to me only.”
“But that was last year, Honey. Things do change, you know, man can’t eat bully beef every day.”

This then causes a break-up in the relationship and then both move on to other relationships where they hope that the new partner will not cheat also. This cheating thing is such a big deal in people’s lives and is the root cause of most marital destruction. The irony is that even though women will curse and carry on, they tend to be more forgiving of their men when it comes to cheating – not all, but many.

Even so, many a suffering husband has told me, “I would have been better off if she had left me when she caught me, rather than forgive me and then make my life a living hell after that.” Most men would never forgive their women for cheating, even if they too are doing it. It’s the hypocrisy and double standard of society that would be laughable if it wasn’t so deadly.

But even though I am not condoning it, agreeing with it or promoting it, I am here to tell you that sometimes this so-called cheating is justifiable. The fact is, men are constantly lusting and yearning after women, no matter who they are. It’s a God-given desire that rages in all of us. well, most of us at least.

Now, whether we act upon it is another matter, but it’s a constant battle between good and. but how can I say it’s evil when it’s a man-made law that changes as time goes on? It’s cheating if you profess to love your partner, make passionate love to your spouse, then go and do the same thing to someone else. That’s cheating.

But there are times when it’s justifiable. Hey, even for the most heinous of crimes like murder, you have extenuating circumstances, ergo, justifiable homicide. If you are provoked, harassed, chased, beaten and you retaliate and drop the person first, then it may be deemed justifiable homicide.

The French have crimes of passion. So, for example, you can go home and catch your woman naked in bed with Joe and if you do him in, it’s a crime of passion, as opposed to premeditated murder.

So if we can have justifiable circumstances to taking another person’s life, then why can’t we have justifiable cheating? If you have your woman and she locks shop on you, refuses to carry out her wifely duties, finds all sorts of excuses why she doesn’t want to, seals the vault, does not want you anymore, and you go and get it elsewhere, then that’s justifiable cheating.

Some women do just that, be like the dog in the manger who does not eat grass, but wants no other animal to come near to partake.

These same women who deprive their men are the ones who are most strident, vocal, angry, resentful, violent, when their men go and get it elsewhere.

It matters not to her that two years have passed since anything sexual happened between them, all she sees is that he cheated. So many men have told me this, and women have corroborated it, saying how they purposely deprive their men for whatever reason, but, “If him think seh him bad and go a street with any other woman, a kill him”.

On the other side of the coin are men who are so preoccupied with their work, gambling, drinking or other women, that they too deprive their women of conjugal bliss. When she gets it elsewhere, he calls her whore, slut, harlot, cheater, and may even do her serious bodily harm in the process.

I just don’t get it. I could understand if everything was all right and there was a happy home and they were making love regularly and all was bliss, then he discovered that she was playing around.

That I could understand, as he would feel betrayed. But how can he neglect his woman for many years and not expect her to satisfy her desires elsewhere? If you even stop feeding your pet or showing it love or affection, it’s going to start sleeping next door, so what about people?

Cheating is really not about sex, but rather about deception.
When a man has a woman on the side, a mistress for many years, but still maintains the façade of a marriage, then that’s cheating. The same goes for women. Sex is such an important part of relationships, yet some people treat it so lightly.

Just recently I saw this CNN poll that showed that the average couple in America had sex at least three times a week and some wanted more. Sex is so important that a marriage is not deemed legal unless it’s been consummated. Sex brings people together, and lack of it drives them apart. Many people are promiscuous because they’re simply seeking to bond with someone, that’s all, looking for love.

So with all this importance, why do people use it as a tool, a toy, leverage, to deprive or reward as they see fit? It’s not cheating if you admit to it, but it’s cheating if you’re sneaking around and carrying on like ‘thief with long bag’.

People need people who will fulfil them emotionally, spiritually and physically. That physical part is mighty important, as I do not see men visiting GO-GO clubs, picking up women or buying prostitutes to bond with them emotionally or spiritually.

That’s another thing; is it cheating if you go with a prostitute? After all, is there any emotional involvement? I know men who specialise in buying prostitutes only, married men too, who tell me that at least it’s honest sex with both parties knowing exactly what they’re getting.

Do a poll and ask men what they would prefer, a woman who bonds with them emotionally and spiritually, or a woman who will rock their world with headboard-banging, stallion-bucking, hog-sweating, banshee-screaming lovemaking. Ideally we would want all those attributes, but if we could just have only one, guess which one we’d choose? We must be honest with our inner self.

The fact is, over 70 per cent of couples cheat, even once, with both men and women bawling when it’s discovered. Some never find out, thinking that all is well in their camp, and even those may be cursing me right now for saying this, as their partner ‘would never cheat’. If you knew what I knew, you’d be surprised.

Still, I’m a realist, and if I become useless and my woman goes elsewhere, then her actions would be justified. Remember the Kenny Rogers song Ruby, in which he sings “Oh Ruby, don’t take your love to town”? There he was, in a wheelchair, can’t do anything, but doesn’t want his wife to go to town for some loving. Now, I repeat, I am not condoning it or telling you to go and cheat, but there are extenuating circumstances that may very well justify it.

Let’s just hope that your spouse will buy your argument and see it your way; and don’t tell them that I said to go do it either. More time.

Seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: The statistics regarding people who cheat are mind-boggling and it seems to be mankind’s chief pursuit. Even priests are now admitting it in great numbers, let alone people not so entrenched in the Church.

Still, it’s the world’s best kept secret, as most will never admit to it. Even when the evidence is overwhelming, so many do not find out or want to find out.

Hey, readers who e-mail me but do not wish that their letters be published, please indicate so, as some of your letters are so well written and opinionated that I feel obligated to share them with my editor and other readers.

You know that I love the feedback, even when you curse me, but if you don’t wish to share, then ask to use your initials only or a nom de plume. Respect.

The Case Against Adultery

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Written by Burt Prelutsky
Friday, November 18, 2005

Not being religious, I don’t feel comfortable discussing other people’s sins. Even where the Ten Commandments are concerned, I’m probably only batting about .650. However, one of the thou-shalt-nots I seem to take more seriously than a lot of other people, including those in the church-going crowd, is number seven on the hit parade, the one dealing with adultery.

Having been divorced twice, I recognize that all marriages are not made in heaven. Some, in fact, seem to have been cobbled together in Dr. Frankenstein’s basement. Speaking from experience, there are perfectly good reasons for certain unions to be dissolved. But, for the life of me, I cannot come up with a single decent excuse for adultery. Frankly, I regard adulterers as lying, contemptible, sleazebags. I can’t begin to imagine how they live with themselves, let alone their mates. Even the terminology is distasteful, unless, unlike most of us, you don’t mind being a cheater.

I recall hearing that Chicago’s mayor, the late Richard Daley, who was one of the last of the big city bosses, when once asked why, with all the women available to him, he remained faithful to his wife, replied, “If I can’t keep my word to my wife, why should anybody else trust me?”

Now the story may be apocryphal, and, for all I know, Mayor Daley may have been a worse hound than Bill Clinton, but the point is still a good one. If before man and God, you pledge your troth, and, first chance you get, you hop into the sack with someone you’re not married to, you’re nothing but a four-flusher.

What truly confounds me are cheating couples who eventually wind up married to each other, and are then astonished that their partner is now cheating with somebody new. Anybody who believes they are so special, so beautiful, so fascinating, so charismatic, that they can trust their adulterous spouse to remain faithful is not only terminally narcissistic, but more gullible than the hayseed who pays good money for the deed to Brooklyn Bridge.

After giving it some thought, I am convinced that there are motives for adultery that have little or nothing to do with sex. I believe the first of these is based on resentment. Either the husband or the wife feels neglected because kids, work, hobbies, or booze, seem to have supplanted them in importance. The adultery not only provides them with a temporary ego-boost, but it gives them the feeling that they’re extracting a measure of well-deserved revenge. That is why after the initial excitement of the illicit affair wears off, the adulterer begins to resent the fact that his or her mate doesn’t even suspect anything. Their attitude often changes from one of “Oh, aren’t I the clever one to be pulling the wool over the fool’s eyes!” to “The damn fool doesn’t notice because he/she doesn’t think I’m sexy enough to attract anybody.” Ultimately, it’s vanity, rather than a guilty conscience, that leads them to confess all.

Another reason that people risk destroying their marriages, hurting their children, and damaging their reputations, is because their lives are so darn boring, and I’m not even referring to their sex lives. The truth is that most people live lives, not necessarily of quiet desperation, but filled with tedious activities spent with boring, mind-numbing, dullards. What makes it even worse is that every time they turn on television or pick up a magazine, they’re confronted by gorgeous celebrities, male and female, living the way they’d like to–a mad whirl of parties and premieres, vacations in exotic locales, private jets, limousines, servants, and, yes, tacky affairs. Well, chum, with your income, your humdrum job, and your ordinary looks, you can forget about everything on the list except that last item. But even you can meet George or Helen the second and fourth Tuesdays of every month at the Bide-a-While Motel.

And aren’t you, for about an hour or so, every bit as sexy and glamorous as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Sure, if you say so.

But when you drive home afterwards, saddled down with a load of guilt and self-contempt, can you honestly say the lay was worth the lie?

About the Writer: Burt Prelutsky is a humorist, movie reviewer, writer for television series and movies, and author of the new book, “Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco.” His website is at http://burtprelutsky.com. Burt receives e-mail at BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Look Out Internet Cheaters

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Is your spouse or partner cheating on you? The answer may be as close as your computer. And there’s a new way to prove your loved one is having an affair.

Relationship experts say it’s now one of the most common ways for someone to cheat on their partner, the internet. But one woman has now made it her mission to bust online cheaters. And she’s beating them at their own game.

“We were together a year and a half, we lived together, we talked about marriage.” This woman doesn’t want you to see her face but she does want you to hear her story.

“He would be online and I would walk in the room and he would minimize the screen and little things that I thought were suspicious and his reasons for that didn’t make sense.” The woman, we’ll call, Debra suspected her longtime boyfriend was meeting other women in internet chatrooms. But Debra wanted proof and she found it in Taunya Messner.

“If you’re online and looking to cheat and looking to chat and you want that adult interaction you’re going to talk. Messner started the site….cheating spouses online. For a fee she goes into internet chatrooms and starts a conversation with the person suspected of cheating.

“If you go into a chat room the majority of people are married and if they tell you that they are seperated they probably mean just by walls and that their wife is sleeping in the backroom.” Messner says all but one of her investigations has uncovered online infidelity. She pretends to be a single woman or man and she says almost every person takes the bait.

“If they tell me that they’re divorced or single and I know they’re married I’ll take it a step further and say well how long have you been single? what went wrong?” In Debra’s case her boyfriend sent Messner pictures and detailed personal information the relationship ended shortly after.

“It’s sad to say I reccomend spying on your boyfriend of husband but its a safe way to validate your feelings of suspicion you have for someone.”

The fee is 29.95 which inlcudes three chatroom convesations.

Is Your Spouse Cheating?

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Did you know there is a web-site for those who have cheated on their spouses? I was surprised when the site was shown to me by an acquaintance. On this site people talk about their affairs and share their love, pain, and guilt; kind of an internet therapy for cheaters.

I checked out the site and was shocked at the attitudes of the “cheaters.” Some said they still loved their spouse, some said it was their spouse’s fault that they cheated, some felt that the cheating was “nothing bad” as long as their husband or wife didn’t find out! Talk about ego-centric! Only a few were contrite that they had broken their marital vows.

Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. If couples choose to stay together after an affair has been discovered and ended, the effects of the cheating can be devastating to the innocent party. Trust, the basis of a good marriage, has been irrevocably broken.

How do you know for sure that your spouse is cheating on you? Besides the tell-tale signs of unexplained late hours, money that mysteriously disappears, lack of marital sex, and recent criticisms aimed at you, (your body, your attitude, your intelligence), by your cheating husband or wife, some people are looking for positive proof. The use of the private investigator has returned and their services are on longer only for the rich and famous.You, too, can have a PI looking out for your interests.

The help and assurance a private investigator offers can be invaluable.Like a good lawyer who works hard for her client a private investigator will work to give you the information that you need either for a confrontation or for legal purposes.

Most marriages do not survive a spouse’s infidelities. If they do, the marriage remains damaged. Nothing is the same, or will ever be the same again.

There is no reason for cheating. Some women, (and a few men also), feel that there was something lacking in their own selves. They have a chorus of the “enoughs” as in “I’m not good-looking enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not sexy enough, I’m not good enough, etc.” They tend to blame themselves for what is not their fault.

If you suspect your spouse of cheating and the idea of it is ruining your daily life, causing you to miss work and become depressed, then do consider a private investigator. The cost outweighs the tension and anguish of not knowing.

As far as cheating spouses go, women are just as apt to cheat as men. There is no real difference in the sexes.

Why do some spouses cheat and others do not? What makes one person hold his or her marriage vows sacred, while another risks throwing everything away? Despite the “psycho-talk” of religious upbringing, values, or moral fortitude, no one really knows the answer. A person with no religious background is just as likely to stay faithful as a person who has had religious instruction and values all their lives. A man or woman who has been brought up with certain values and morals will cheat the same as a man or woman who had no definitive morality.

Cheating by its very definition is wrong. Knowing for sure that your spouse is or isn’t cheating is a must for anyone who suspects infidelity. Take charge of your life.

Infidelity and Domestic Violence

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Emotional & mental: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

BY PAULA M. FELIPE/Public Safety Reporter

This is the second of a three-part series on domestic violence. The names have been changed to protect the victim’s privacy.

What are the effects of domestic violence? What forms does the abuse take and how can one heal after experiencing an abusive relationship?

Cynthia has been married 25 years and has chosen to stay and work on her troubled relationship with her husband. They have children together and live in a lovely home, but Cynthia says what goes on behind closed doors would surprise people who believe the couple are happily married.

“I met him when I was a teenager. We married young, and I didn’t have or take the time to find out who I was and what I liked,” Cynthia said.

The Catalyst program, a non-profit group that helps victims of domestic violence, has helped Cynthia in many ways. She claimed this program even helped her to recognize the many aspects of abuse that was taking place in her marriage.

“I wasn’t aware of the Catalyst program before. I used to think domestic violence was physical, like getting hit, you know, like it was cut and dry,’ and you could see the abuse by looking at bruises. But I learned that domestic violence is many things, including emotional, verbal, and mental abuse, and I then I recognized that I was in an abusive relationship,” Cynthia explained.

“I remember saying to myself, “I wish he was hitting me instead because then I would have bruises. You can’t see emotional abuse. It goes on behind closed doors. I thought I was going crazy, and no one could see it (the abuse) that was happening,” said Cynthia, her voice breaking.

She also watched an Oprah Winfrey show on emotionally abusive relationships. “I learned I was not alone and could relate to other’s testimony of abuse,” she said.

Her first “wake-up” call happened when she read a Catalyst poster that had a checklist designed to teach people about abusive relationships.

“When I read that checklist, I saw questions like “Are you in a relationship that makes you feel this way . . .?” and I thought, “Wow! That is happening to me. I could check off a lot. So, I went to the Catalyst office and learned more,” she said.

Cynthia learned abuse can be verbal, emotional, and mental, and that language can be used to manipulate and intimidate.

After years of being in an abusive relationship, Cynthia suffered from bouts of depression, stress, and low-self esteem. She said, “I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I felt so bad that when I was driving I felt like I wanted to turn the wheel and die.”

“After a while, your self-worth is depleted. You believe that your husband is your best friend, supporter, the one who knows you the best. And it starts to break you down when he is the one who is criticizing you, putting you down, and making you question your own sanity and question if you have a right to even feel the way you do,” she said, adding, “and if you start off with low self-esteem, you can lose yourself and go over the edge.”

Manipulating her feelings included invalidating her experiences, Cynthia explained. “My husband would take my experience and make it his own in effect. He would take what I would say about how I felt and he would tell me. You are wrong to feel that way.’ So, my own experience was invalidated and discredited by him. He would tell me how I was supposed to be feeling. That’s not right,’ he would say in effect, you should be doing this or feeling this way.’ ”

“You see, at first I thought it was my fault and that I was doing something wrong. I thought I was going crazy,” she explained. “My husband had a way of making me feel I was wrong in what I was saying. He would turn my words around and make me think something was wrong with me instead of something he was doing.”

In the beginning of the relationship, Cynthia admits she was a “people pleaser” and wanted to make her husband happy. “I ended up completely losing myself in the relationship,” she said.

“For years, I lived in fear and was intimidated. I didn’t want to rock the boat so I walked on egg shells around him because he would raise his voice and yell at me if I questioned him. I kept wondering, Why am I not happy? I have a lovely house.’ And then I realized because my husband yells at me and puts me down I was becoming an extension of what he wanted, and my own self was lost and my needs were not being met,” she said.

Aspects of abuse in her marriage included isolation, economic, and physical abuse as well as verbal and emotional.

“I don’t have a lot of friends. You lose your friends. They don’t want to be around him. My family is also divided,” she said.

Her husband opened separate bank accounts in his own name and decided to put her on an allowance.

“I had to ask for money from him. It’s another form of control. He also got a private post office box in his name.”

One night her husband had been drinking, and attacked her in front of their children. “He said that I was the one who provoked him into doing it and he was arrested.”

Cynthia’s husband was ordered into a domestic violence class by the court after he was arrested. The couple went to counseling sessions together.

When she believed her husband was having an affair, she was made to feel wrong for suspecting him. After she confirmed the affair, it was his deception that hurt the most.

“He had been unfaithful and lied to me about it. When I would ask him about other women, he made me feel I was even wrong to raise the issue and ask him about it. He turned it back on me as if I was wrong to feel any suspicion. Well, I finally found out he had been lying to me all along and my suspicions were correct. His deception really hurt me.”

“You know, I thought to myself, we are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Instead of lying and deceiving me and making me feel it was all my fault, why not just own up and apologize and take responsibility for it (the infidelity) instead of making me think something was wrong with me.”

“I’ve learned the abuse has a lot to do with power and control. If they can knock you down and make you question and doubt yourself, then they feel they have an edge over you. It also has to do with “narcissism” and how some people have personality traits who need someone to mirror them. They lack self-confidence inside and attempt to control and put down others to feel in control,” Cynthia said.

Her husband has discontinued the counseling sessions, and Cynthia isn’t sure if he has learned how to stop being abusive.

“It seems he has learned now how to say things in a different way, but it still means the same thing. Like instead of saying It’s your fault’ or you are not supposed to feel that way’, he says something like, “You are choosing not to feel this way.’ It seems like he is saying the same things but it’s clothed in different words,” she explained.

Why does she stay in the marriage and how can she survive or thrive in her marriage?

One reason she has stayed so long is her lack of self-confidence. “You don’t think you can make it on your own. And you want to stay and make it work for the children,” she said.

The road to healing for Cynthia includes learning how to uplift herself with positive feedback.

“Internal dialogue is important,” she explained, “Tell yourself You did a good job,’ or tell yourself you love yourself,” she said.

“Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say, Hi, beautiful! How are you doing today?’ Believe in yourself,’ Cynthia advises others who are in abusive relationships. “And you need to get out and not be isolated,” she added.

Exercise is another way she recommends releasing energy in a positive way. “I used to hit a pillow,” she said.

Among recommended reading, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” is a book that helped her.

“I’m learning to work on myself now,” she said, “I can’t hold in resentment and realize that only hurts myself more. I need to continue my healing process; I need to forgive him; the forgiveness is for myself; for my own inner healing,” she said. “I’ve also learned not to engage in self-blame.’

After a couple years of counseling, Cynthia definitely recommends Catalyst to anyone in an abusive relationship.

“I do love my husband. I do care deeply about him. We have children together,” her voice tearfully breaks, “This is hard. I’m trying to make it work.”