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The East African Standard (Nairobi)
COLUMN
March 3, 2007
Posted to the web March 2, 2007

By Beatrice Obwocha
Nairobi

For long, the society has tolerated married men having extramarital affairs. It is an almost forgone conclusion that a man has to cheat on his wife or partner at any one time.

This is why there are expressions like “Men are polygamous by nature”.

The traditional African society also advocated polygamy.

Today, a high number of men continue to have mistresses and often get away with a mere slap on the wrist once their wives catch them.

But there is now a worrying trend of wives cheating on their husbands. This is more common among urban women, although similar cases have been reported in the rural areas.

Caught in the act

In the West, cheating by both husbands and wives is common.

In the US, couple therapists report a 50 percent increase in female infidelity. In 2004, Newsweek magazine carried a main story detailing how wives were cheating on their husbands: “The New Infidelity: from office affairs to Internet hook-ups, more wives are cheating too,” read the title of the article.

But woe unto those who have been caught in the act in the local scene. Tales of husbands beating their wives and lovers senseless or even killing them after catching them are commonplace.

Julliet Kwamboka-Single

No, there is a reason we got married and why should l cheat to hit back? I will confront him and find a way of sorting out the problem.

But with economic empowerment, more women have become aware of “their rights” and some have mustered the art of cheating.

Some years back, women would slip into depression over their husbands’ unfaithfulness or any marital mistreatment, but today, some will spruce themselves up and go out to meet a lover.

What is the real reason behind this behaviour that is threatening to tear the marriage institution apart?

Some women told their story to Instinct under strict confidentiality.

Revenge

Daisy*, 38, decided to have an affair as a form of revenge when she discovered that her husband was cheating on her.

“I was very hurt and confronted him but he denied. After this, he went back to his mistress,” she says.

Daisy says the affair made her feel that she had “scored equally” with her husband.

“I feel triumphant. He started it, so it is tit for tat,” she says.

But Daisy is positive that her husband does not know about her dark little secret. She is sleeping with a man younger than her, which, she says, “adds to the thrill”.

No excitement in marriage

Mercy* who has been married for 10 years with three children, has been in an extra-marital affair for three years.

“I am doing this because the excitement in my marriage is dead. Everything, including lovemaking, has become a routine,” she says.

Mercy says the first five years of marriage were bliss. But after the second baby, matters took a nose-dive.

“I was a mum and a career woman. My husband was also engrossed in his job and soon, we hardly made love,” she says.

She adds that her husband no longer pays much attention to her.

“After some time, I met a married man at a friend’s wedding and the attraction was mutual.

“The man appreciates me and he is not boring. He has made me very happy and injected meaning into my life. I have no doubt that I love my husband, but I need more since I am a human being with emotions,” she says.

Mercy says she is no longer disgruntled in the bedroom because she is getting “hot loving” elsewhere.

“I believe this affair is keeping my marriage together, although I have to be very discreet because I never want my husband to find out,” she says.

Lonely

For June*, it is an issue of distance.

“My husband works in Mombasa and I live with the children in Nakuru. He rarely comes home except for a few days when he is on leave.

“I am a housewife and we have built a house in Nakuru. I cannot join my husband since we agreed that I should take care of the children and run the home,” she says.

June adds: “I did not plan to have an affair; I was lonely and most of the time, this family friend was around especially in times of emergencies. Then it sort of happened.”

She sometimes feels guilty but says having a lover helps because there are times she needs someone to talk to.

“When my husband and I converse, it is on pressing issues concerning the children or bills. There are things I cannot tell him on the phone because it is costly and time-consuming” she says.

Sex for money

Mary’s* story almost borders on the sleazy. She is having an affair with her boss because she needs money to supplement her income.

She says her husband is a casual labourer and his wages can hardly sustain the family.

“I love my husband and I would never want him to find out. He does not know how much I earn and thinks that the extra cash is out of my own sweat,” says the office clerk.

Abusive man

Nancy* says she and her husband have been having problems for some time and the tension has led her to have an affair.

“My husband is abusive and contemptuous. He never listens to my ideas even when they involve serious issues like investment. He takes me for granted which makes me unhappy,” she says.

Her husband has also lost interest in sex and Nancy suspects that he gets it somewhere else.

“I have had an affair for six months with a man who finds me desirable and my views sensible.

“But I still love my husband despite the way he treats me and I do not want to leave him, especially because of the children,” she says.

Sexual needs

Ms Eunice Njenga, a counsellor, says women sometimes cheat due to lack of sexual satisfaction.

“Women too have sexual needs, contrary to the belief that they can take anything in the bedroom. If the longing is too much, they can be forced to get a lover to meet this physical need,” she says.

She says this also explains why older women go for younger men. “They believe the younger men have more sexual prowess,” says Njenga.

Some women also have affairs with men from their past.

“At times, an old affair can be rekindled if the woman is not happy at home,” says the expert.

A woman’s friends can also influence her to get a lover.

“Hearing friends narrate the thrills of their little sexual escapades can tempt her to try the same especially if she is in a drab marriage,” she adds.

No to divorce

Njenga says women who have affairs always have reasons to justify this but hardly want their husbands to divorce them.

But she warns that the woman has to live with the consequences which can turn nasty especially if she is discovered. This is because the society is not tolerant of promiscuous women, more so, wives. The scorn is unimaginable.

“First, the cheating wife is always under emotional pressure since she has to carefully cover her tracks lest she is found out. Any slip-up can mean an instant end of her marriage,” she says.

She is also forced to lie to her husband every time she has to meet her lover, which may eat into her consciensce, leading to stress.

The cheating wife is subjected to undignified behaviour since she has to hide from people who know her lest they tell her husband.

Men resort to violence

Grace Gatuai, also a marriage counsellor, adds that if the woman chooses to end the affair but her lover does not want to, he can tell her husband to hit back, leading to unimaginable consequences.

Njenga says there is also a risk of the woman infecting her husband with a sexually transmitted disease, so she lives under constant fear.

In the event of being found out, most men would divorce or separate from their wives.

“Women easily forgive cheating husbands but the reverse is not true,” she says.

Even if a woman was doing it to hit back at a cheating husband, the latter would still not budge.

Njenga says men suffer from intense jealousy and one might resort to violence if he discovers his wife’s affair.

“Cases of men beating or killing their wives together with their lovers are common. Men are egocentric and do not like sharing their women,” she says.

Njenga says some women who cheat for revenge might not care much if their husbands discover, unlike those who do for excitement.

Gatuai says having an affair may not always be the solution.

“You can be with your lover but still miss your husband’s arms. Thus, the affair makes you more depressed than happy,” she says.

Gatuai advises women to face their husbands and address their concerns. If the man does not change, one has the option of walking away rather than engaging affairs that only add fuel to her guilt and fear.

Feb 8, 2007

Do you have a special online “friend”? Do you talk to your “friend” about intimate matters? Do you quickly exit the screen when your partner enters the room?

If you answered yes to the above, you may be having an internet affair.

Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time but researchers say internet chat rooms, forums and email have added a new dimension to the age-old temptation to stray.

The perils of online infidelity have prompted the release of new guidelines for Australian counsellors and mental health workers dealing with the fallout from people pursuing illicit love online.

“One area of problematic internet use that is becoming a common presenting issue in counselling is relationship issues arising from one partner’s use of the internet,” according to a report in the current Family Relationships Quarterly journal.

One recent survey of more than 1,500 mental health professionals found that about one in five patients were seeking help because of the negative effects of internet sexual activities.

“A common scenario was a husband or wife who had left their relationship after meeting someone online, only to have the relationship not work out,” says Elly Robinson, manager of the Australian family relationships clearinghouse at the Australian Institute of Family Studies.

An online relationship doesn’t have to turn physical to constitute an affair, she says.

“If the individual having the internet relationship is in a committed real life relationship they may need to acknowledge that communication of an intimate nature with someone on the internet is a breach of trust and commitment,” Robinson says.

“The fact that physical sex hasn’t occurred does not necessarily mean that it is not an affair.”

She says three factors make internet affairs particularly dangerous liaisons.

Online communication tends to remove inhibitions and there is an endless supply of potential partners coupled with a lack of clear norms about acceptable behaviour.

“For example, is it infidelity to have sexual conversations with strangers? What if you are pretending to be someone else? What if you engaged in cybersex?” she says.

The anonymity of cyberspace means people who find themselves falling for a sexy, single 20-something who seduces them with an irresistible online persona may be risking their real-life relationship for a lie.

A new study, to be presented at a computer/human interaction conference in the US later this year, found that online daters usually fib about their appearance. The research found that men “systematically” overestimated their height, while, women underestimated their weight, says lead author Jeffrey Hancock, an assistant professor of communication at Cornell University.

Online affairs can do much more damage than causing a painful relationship bust-up, as a recent US case illustrates.

A cyber fantasy between two middle aged people pretending to be an 18-year-old marine and an attractive young woman turned deadly when Brian Barrett, was found shot dead outside Buffalo, New York, last September.

Investigators charged Barrett’s colleague, Thomas Montgomery with his murder, saying the motive was jealousy over a woman both men had been wooing over the internet.

The woman was a 40-something mother using her daughter’s identity to attract internet suitors.

Montgomery had started chatting with her in 2005, and Bartlett later became drawn into the relationship.

Montgomery is being held without bail after pleading not guilty to second degree murder and is due back in court in June. He is also facing divorce proceedings from his wife.

The case illustrates the web of deceit, jealousy and despair that can arise from seemingly harmless online flirtation, says US internet crime expert J A Hitchcock.

“I’m hoping this case will make people think twice about what they do online and what their actions can cause in the long run,” she says.

If you answer yes to five or more of the following questions you could be crossing the line from online chatting to a cyber affair:

1. In the past week, have you spent more than three hours talking to an online “friend”?

2. Do you plan/look forward to your next communication with them?

3. Does your partner know about your “friend”, and would you be comfortable for them to join in chats?

4. Do you chat when no one is around?

5. Do you make excuses to go online?

6. Do you exit the screen if someone walks into the room while you’re chatting?

7. Do you tell your online “friend” more about your thoughts, feelings, achievements and disappointments than your partner?

8. Do you talk to your “friend” about problems in your real life relationship?

9. Do you think your online “friend” understands and supports you more than your partner?

10. Are you becoming unpredictable about how you act towards your partner?

11. Has your sex life with your partner changed since meeting your “friend”

12. Do you think about sending your online “friend” photos, talking on the phone or meeting for coffee?

Comfortably established at work and at home, the over-50s should be enjoying their most contented years.

But nearly a third claim to be having affairs instead.

Older people are much more likely to be tempted into infidelity than the young, a study has found.

The reason, according to an examination of more than 13,000 sex lives, is that those in their 20s and 30s are not likely to have settled into marriage or a long-term relationship.

And even if they have, they are more likely to be in “the first flush of romance”.

But the middle-aged find the lure of an affair “overwhelming”, according to the survey results.

After the hard work of maintaining a marriage and often a family for so long, perhaps they can’t resist what they regard as a last chance for a little self-fulfilment.

And it seems the general lessening of sex drive after 50 is no barrier to adultery.

In some cases, it is in fact the final straw that causes a husband or wife to seek solace with a more accommodating lover.

Psychotherapist Brett Kahr, who led the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, said: “I would be hard pressed to recall any couple who presented for marital psychotherapy with a healthy sex life.

“As we may not fully appreciate, sex might be the most sensitive barometer of the solidity of the relationship between husband and wife, or between two lovers.

“When the gremlins of infidelity or inattentiveness or other forms of cruelty enter the relationship, then the sexual life will suffer as a consequence.”

The survey, which asked for detailed information on sex lives, was sent to more than 34,000 people.

Just over 13,000 replied. The findings showed that 14 per cent of those under 30 had had sex with someone outside their marriage or long-term relationship, as had 23 per cent of those between 30 and 40.

Appetite for sex tails off after 50, the survey found. The number of over-50s who claim to have sex once a day or more was too small to record.

Nineteen per cent had sex three times a week, 44 per cent between twice a week and once a month, and 32 per cent less than once a month.

Just over eight million were not having sex at all, the researchers said. Fewer than a million have always been celibate – the others have simply given up sex.

More women than men, 21 per cent against 15 per cent, have had sex in the past but have now stopped.

Despite the fling-prone over 50s, the great majority of all those in relationships are faithful most of the time: men have on average 1.18 sexual partners in a year, while women have 0.7 partners.

The survey also undermined a regular claim of the gay lobby that between 5-10 per cent of the population are homosexual. Just three in 100 said they were gay.

Infidelty by numbers

Thirty-one million Britons are married or live with a partner.

11 million of these have had an extramarital kiss.

42 per cent of men have kissed another person while in a relationship.

31 percent of women have kissed another person while in a relationship.

14 per cent of under-30s have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

30 per cent of over-50s have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

23 per cent of 30 to 40 year olds have had sex outside marriage or partnership.

15.64 is the average number of women a man has sexual contact with in his lifetime.

14.56 is the average number of men a woman has sexual contact with in her lifetime.

Tuesday January 16, 2007

You’ve pledged your love to each other, written mash notes and insisted this time it’s for real. Welcome to the world of broken hearts, where all those promises get blown away in the blink of an infidelity.

If you’re in that boat, Pam Seatle has details on how you can stay afloat during the mutiny and the high tech help that’s available for those tracking a cheating heart. To see her report, click the video links.

Here’s what the experts say are some ways to tell if your spouse is running around on you. Remember, not every clue is an indicator in itself. But the aggregate weight of all these factors could be telling you something.

Watch for:

-Someone spending excessive time in online chat rooms

-Frequent “I have to work late” excuses.

-Sudden emotional distance.

-Sudden decreased interest in sex.

-Things being hidden from you (a separate bank account, a secret mail drop)

-Car passenger seats constantly being readjusted to a position you wouldn’t use.

-Increased wrong numbers or call hang ups from blocked numbers. (Try redial and see who answers). Also: quick and furtive whispered phone calls.

-Perfume/lipstick/hair that’s not yours on clothing.

-Unexplained ATM withdrawals

-Accidentally left behind credit card slips for hotels, jewellery, or purchases you’ve never seen.

-Uncharacteristic findings – like cigarettes stubbed out in an ashtray and you don’t smoke or they’re not your brand.

-The ‘visiting a sick friend’ ploy.

-Sudden interest in appearance or clothing where none existed before.

-Suddenly and repeatedly bringing you flowers (sign of a guilty conscience).

-Unexplained mileage on the car.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, contact us today to see how we can help!