General information about infielity that does not directly relate to private investigations but may be of value to our readers.

Emotional infidelity – fact or fiction?

Your husband’s friend Angela has just phoned again. For the third time this week. And while you’re slaving away in the kitchen, you hear them laughing on the telephone and your hackles rise. Are you being unreasonable and petty, as you know they are only friends and nothing more?

“Not necessarily,” says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Terblanche. “When much of the social attention that is usually present in a marriage is diverted elsewhere, it is perfectly normal to feel betrayed in some way. Infidelity is not necessarily only sexual – it can be emotional too. And yes, this can make a marriage suffer.”

“People’s insecurities are brought to the fore by a situation where someone else is receiving an enormous amount of their spouse’s attention. But there is a big difference between being a bit jealous and jealously obsessing about your partner. If your partner goes out once in a blue moon for an hour to have a drink with an old school friend, you are overreacting if you go into jealousy overdrive. But if it’s the fourth time this week, you have every reason to be unhappy.”

“A strong emotional connection between your spouse and a friend/colleague, with whom lots of emotional intimacies are shared, will eventually drive a wedge between spouses, whether there is a sexual relationship between them or not. And very strong emotional attachments elsewhere could be very dangerous for your relationship or marriage. But both partners should also be allowed to see friends, obviously within reasonable limits. If you don’t allow your partner any outside contact, you have already signed the death warrant for your marriage. No-one likes being made to feel that they are in a prison.”

“Similar feelings of betrayal can be brought on by emotional infidelity than by sexual infidelity. The spouse who sits at home wonders whether the other man or woman is more compatible with their partner than they are, why they were not invited along and why their spouse no longer makes them feel special.”

“However, it must be guarded against that all friendships are suddenly seen as emotional infidelity,” says Terblanche. “Married people do need friends, sometimes of both sexes, as no one person can fulfill all your social needs. The question just remains where you draw the line and whether your first priority is still with your partner.”

So when does the line get crossed between normal friendship and emotional infidelity?

Time factor. When you realise that your spouse spends more time with this friend than with you, there is a problem. If the friend is only here for three days from Europe, obviously that’s different. Your spouse’s first responsibility lies with you and your relationship, not with an outsider. We all need time out from our partners every now and then to watch sport, to go shopping, to go fishing, or whatever. But the majority of free time should still be spent with you.

Spouse not invited. If things get planned to which you are specifically not invited, there could be a problem. If you suspect that work-related activities could be merely a guise, investigate. But remember that there are things such as genuine work-related things, so don’t get too suspicious. It’s not good for your blood pressure. But if your spouse and his/her friend start doing things like going to the movies or eating out on a regular basis and you get the feeling that your presence will not be welcome and you are made to feel like an outsider, you have every reason to complain. One or the other of them could have ulterior motives.

Too much involvement elsewhere. There is a big difference between helping a friend who’s just had a burglary or helping a brother buy curtains for a new flat and spending weeks helping a friend who’s looking for a house to buy. Or getting overly involved in helping them buy a car. Or lending them lots of money – possibly without telling you. Or if your spouse is spending time fixing things at the friend’s house when there are millions of things waiting to be done at home. Your spouse’s main focus should be at home with you and the children – for most of the time anyway.

Didn’t I tell you? When you feel that you are no longer the main confidant of your spouse, alarm bells should start ringing. When your spouse’s friend knows about a promotion or an illness or a winning lottery ticket before you do, there’s a problem. Or if little everyday things are no longer shared with you, because they have already been shared with the friend, you are being systematically excluded. Or if you get the feeling that your spouse is discussing your relationship with this friend, you have every reason to complain.

Duty vs. pleasure. When paying the bills, going to the supermarket and the PTA evenings are the only things you do with your spouse, you should be getting worried. Especially if all the fun things are being done with one or more other people and you just are around when the boring stuff happens. Relationships should consist of a mixture between duty and pleasure. And what’s more, if your partner starts associating you only with boring duties, the writing could be on the wall.

Always part of the equation. Your spouse somehow feels responsibility for the well-being of this person – to the point where you feel that no plans of yours are made without considering this friend and his or her needs and wants. You feel you have to explain why he or she cannot accompany you on some family outing or holiday, whereas no explanation is really needed.

Friend takes priority. You get the feeling if both you and the friend were to have a crisis at the same time, your spouse might just go to the friend first. You are beginning to feel like you’re being taken for granted and that you and your needs and your relationship are becoming of secondary importance.

The friend is pitted against you. When you feel the friend is starting the one-upmanship game, such as lording it over you when he/she knows something before you, red lights should be flashing. This friend is competing for your spouse and his/her attention and is certainly no friend to you. On the contrary. It is also quite possible that your spouse is enjoying having two people fight over his/her attention and is pitting the two of you against each other. If this friend were really a friend to both of you, you would often be included in invitations and gatherings. And the two of you would do things on your own sometimes as well.

What should you do?
This is a difficult one as you don’t want to provoke the kind of situation where a huge fight takes place and your spouse goes to find solace elsewhere. It is important to share your feelings calmly in a non-accusatory manner. An example of this would be, “When you go out for the third time in a week with Gary and leave me here, I feel rejected and unwanted.” Tell your spouse how you feel, but try not to explode or shout and scream. You will only look jealous, possessive and unattractive. And this will make the company of the friend look all the more attractive. If your spouse’s friend indeed does have ulterior motives, your are playing right into their hands by fighting with your partner. Ask to be included in some future activities – this is not unreasonable.

(Susan Erasmus, Health24)

Is infidelity only about sex?

Joy Crawford
The Jamaica Observer

Monday, June 27, 2005

Is infidelity only about sex? Is it different between the sexes? Are men unfaithful for different reasons than women are?

Men and women view infidelity differently. For women, infidelity is usually a life-long thing. They take it personally and, often, their relationship is irrevocably harmed by the knowledge that their man has been unfaithful. Men, on the other hand, view so-called infidelity as no big thing. As my good friend Dr Aggrey Irons explained many years ago, men perceive it as fidelity versus loyalty.

A man can be unfaithful by sleeping with fifty or even a hundred other woman but the problem arises when he is disloyal, meaning he is ready to make a commitment to another woman. In fact, to take this theory to its natural conclusion, a woman is in a better position if a man has several dalliances with faceless women than if he has one steady other woman with whom he spends all his time and lavishes her with trinkets.

When I was younger, I used to literally die at the thought that my man could ever, ever want to stray, much less do so. Eventually I realised that what men do with their bodies is recreational. I cannot say that I like it, but I have learnt to understand it. However, I certainly don’t want to know about it. It is not so much a fool’s paradise as much as acceptance of the things that one cannot change. As a result, I have embraced the Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.”
It seems that, since time immemorial, women have had to endure infidelity. Our Victorian predecessors openly embraced their husbands having bed wenches because it gave them a break from the rigours of sex. Our eastern counterparts are resigned to be one of many wives. They have accepted what is.

But why do people stray? Men do it maybe because it is expected of them. Some view monogamy as an unnatural phenomenon and feel very little remorse about sampling other fare. They want variety. They want to constantly feel desired and desirable, even if they have paunches and receding hairlines.

Men are having it good now. In fact, Levitra, Cialis and Viagra are doing booming business. Men have acquired a new lease on life. For them, there is indeed life after impotence.

So men will see a nubile, young thing and simply rise to the occasion. They are not, at that time, thinking about how much they love their wife or woman. In fact, if one were to take the time to ask them, one would find that they do love their wives.
Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is merely raging hormones and male pride, misplaced as that might be.
A man is able to love his wife and still find the time and energy to service another woman. It is simply business, no tugging at the heart-strings. For a man, infidelity is usually only about sex, hence Aggrey’s theory about fidelity and loyalty. (I am, however, not for one moment, saying that some men don’t stray when their relationship has problems, like the wife not wanting to have sex.)

As women, we may not like it but we have to learn to try and cope with it, since we can’t accept it. And I do not subscribe to the philosophy that two can play. This tit-for-tat business has never worked, but it all depends on what you, as a woman, are looking for.

Women, on the other hand, are unfaithful because they are usually hurt and looking for companionship. The average man who plays usually makes the mistake of not doing his homework. He neglects his wife.

He is usually so absorbed in his sexual callisthenics that he has nothing left for home. That causes a strain because his woman will, invariably, pick up on something and the closeness they once shared is severely compromised to the point that she will find comfort elsewhere, often by just confiding in one of the opposite sex, and, voila, an affair begins. The thing about it is that very few women can just have sex with a man. When the average woman has sex, the man is usually getting everything she has.

Far too many men lose women they never planned to lose to another man because they don’t get it. When a woman is unfaithful, her emotional being is usually engulfed with the other man. There are so many men who play the field and have friends keeping their wife company only to realise that those friends take over.

When will we ever learn? Perhaps never; but women need to take control of their emotional lives and try to understand their men better, for like it or not, they are all we have. We can’t live without them, or can we?

Joy Crawford is an attorney-at-law.

Red flags of infidelity

Fri, June 24, 2005

DOES HE LOOK at other cheating men disapprovingly?

Does he reassure you, “I’d never do that?”

Is he getting distant, critical, and secretive about money? How about giving you expensive gifts unexpectedly?

Well, he’s probably cheating.

Statistics show that a surprising proportion of men — 35% — cheat on their wives, and authors Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, contend that every unfaithful husband exhibits the same signs along the way.

In fact, cheaters follow the exact same script — which is the name of their new book: The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Thing Men Do When They Cheat (Hyperion, 2005).

“It’s the same words and actions every time … almost always in the same order,” says Mainzer, who along with Landers interviewed hundreds of women across the country, and heard the same lines over and over again.

Mandy D. of Etobicoke can attest to the predictability: Her husband of 11 years had an affair with a colleague during which he was guilty of many of the common red flags, including telling her that she was “useless, crazy and didn’t contribute enough. He told me I didn’t have enough ambition or drive. He became militant, derogatory and emotionally void,” says Mandy, who does not want her real name used.

Her husband was out late every night using his sales job as an excuse and constantly putting her down when it came to appearance, the children and the house. “I couldn’t do anything right.”

When she’d confront him, he’d tell her she had the problem and should see a psychiatrist.

It’s all in the cheating man’s script.

“They’re ridiculously predictable — scary common what men do when they’re cheating. I’ve talked to so many other women, and their husband all did the same things,” says Mandy, mother of three, who has stayed with her husband but they still struggle with the fallout of his infidelity.

“Every woman who experiences an unfaithful husband feels confused and baffled by his contradictory statements and behaviour. She starts to believe that she really must be crazy, unappealing, selfish, and unloving, just as her husband says,” says Mainzer, who’s been divorced for 15 years and lives in Idaho.

But it’s just all part of the Script, they say.

The Script is a wakeup call to women everywhere, says Mainzer — their month-old book spells out the red flags of infidelity in order that women can take action and turn the tide of disaster before it’s too late. They’re out to interrupt the script early on and revise the ending to a happy one.

The authors believe it’s important to recognize the pattern, fix what’s broken in the relationship and put an end to divorce everywhere. “You get cheated out of social status, financial status and your family gets cheated — it get ripped apart. And children undergo very difficult struggles.”

According to Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, the fall-out is enormous, like an emotional nervous breakdown that rocks a marriage to its very core — “it takes years to built the trust and for sexual healing to occur.”

Through her extensive work in infidelity, she believes 70% of men cheat — “one partner in 80% of marriages have an affair,” says Eaker Weil, author of Adultery, The Forgivable Sin (Hudson House) and most recently Can You Cure and Forgive Adultery (Infinity Press).

According to Eaker Weil, a New York therapist who specializes in working with couples who want to overcome the devastating effects of betrayal, “an affair is a cry for help. It’s an inability for one partner to get close so they seek to self-medicate with a quick fix — the adultery fills the emptiness momentarily but it doesn’t solve the problem and the fallout reverberates for generations to come.”

The most stressed out men are the most likely to have affairs — “it does calm them down momentarily and fills that emotional chemical emptiness but not for long.”

Meanwhile, adds Mainzer, interrupt the script along the way — if you see something, say something: “Treat the pain early. In other words, if you feel something is up, talk about it sooner rather than later because it will be easier to solve when it’s a small problem …”

But if the bomb is dropped and he says he’s leaving, then take command, advises The Script. “You’ve been shot by a stun gun. But don’t let it stun you into inaction. By taking command, you calm those around you and gather your forces … call a lawyer.”


Keep your eyes open for these behaviours, advises infidelity expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.


– Picks fights

– Acts unappreciated

– Becomes critical and finds fault

– Become distant and non-communicative

– Changes his image, i.e. loses weight, buys new clothes

– Telling you there’s something wrong with you and you should seek professional help

– Changes his money behaviour

– Changes in sexual behaviour, patterns, positions and frequency

– Buys gifts and does good deeds, such as chores around the house and helps more with the kids — “this assuages the guilt he’s feeling and it counteracts his bad behaviour away from home”

– Unexplained absenses

– Hang-ups on your home phone

– Starts leaving earlier for work and arriving home later

Are Women Naturally Monogamous? Asks ‘Women’s Infidelity’ Author Michelle Langley

Press Release
Thursday June 16, 7:55 am ET

ST. LOUIS, June 16 /PRNewswire/ — With women initiating approximately 70- 75% of all divorces, “Women’s Infidelity” author Michelle Langley believes the answer is a resounding “no.” Langley contends women frequently pursue separations and divorces under the guise of “searching for self”; however, she states the real reason is often another man. Langley says it’s not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to having affairs. She also states that many men are being divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives’ extramarital relationships.

Langley believes as a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because in today’s world, it is doing more harm than good. She asserts in the past, prior to DNA testing, the monogamous myth was helpful in easing paternity insecurity in males. However, today, this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. When women cheat they typically put the blame on their husband. Langley believes women’s lack of knowledge about their own natural sexual impulses makes them much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Again, studies prove currently women are initiating approximately 70-75% of all divorces.

Researching women’s sexual behavior has been Michelle Langley’s focus for almost a decade. She began an independent inquiry into the subject after a series of unrelated incidents sparked her interest. Several years into her research she was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women she interviewed. She categorized these patterns into “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with the loss of sexual desire. Her book, “Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, ‘I’m Not Happy,'” delves head-on into this controversial subject matter and is available for purchase at

For information:


Michelle Langley

Jim Warren thinks revenge is a dish best served cold to the unfaithful — byte by vicious byte. That’s why he created the Web site

“Wouldn’t you go on the Internet to find out if the guy that you’re dating has had a past history of cheating?” says Warren, a business consultant from Redford, MI.

The heartbroken, the cuckolded, the bitter can all anonymously post profiles of their cheating former lover — though revealing cheaters’ full names, addresses, telephone numbers and e-mail addresses is prohibited.

In addition to alleged cheaters’ profiles, the site includes a list of signs your beloved might be cheating and links to Web articles on relationships.

Wanting revenge is normal, but Warren stresses that people hoping to reconcile with their cheating lovers probably shouldn’t try to publicly embarrass them via a Web site.

“A lot of people have a lot of hurt and anger, and if they don’t get an opportunity to release that somehow, they go on with the rest of life being bitter and angry,” Warren says.

“To have an avenue to release that, I think that’s good.”

Hey guys are you having a midlife crisis

An affair, wild and impulsive buying and depression, could all be signs of a midlife crisis. Here’s are some ways of telling if you’re going through one.

You are having an affair. Many men feel a decreased sense of virility as they grow older, hence the need to ‘prove’ their masculinity. And what better way to prove it than with the new secretary of 20? Many men who have been faithful all their lives, suddenly develop a roving eye in their forties or fifties, to the unavoidable detriment of their family life. The kind of woman they go for, is also often not really their type, but she is virtually, without exception, young and pretty. These are the qualities many men feel validate their masculinity.

Sudden interest in and change of appearance. If your idea of keeping up with fashion has always been an annual, single shopping spree in a chain store, and you have suddenly become fashion-conscious and also started wearing clothes meant for men half your age, you could be having a midlife crisis. A sudden desire to dye your hair or change your hairstyle, or to spend lots of time in front of the mirror, could point in the same direction.

Resurrection of youthful behaviour. You suddenly show an interest in contemporary music, or go to places where people younger than you generally hang out. Or interests that you used to have, suddenly become interests again after many years. Or old friends that haven’t been seen for years suddenly make a reappearance. You also feel the need to come up to speed with the latest in communication technology, such as SMS’s and e-mails.

Sudden depression. Midlife is a time of reflection for many men. Goals you may have had in your teens and twenties, that may not have been reached, can be a cause for depression, because many men believe that what they have not achieved by age 50, is unlikely to be achieved afterwards. Some men can also become aware of their mortality and find this daunting. Many men have also reached a plateau in their careers and find themselves harking back to their glory days. They also have lots of family responsibilities during this time in their lives, and these can also feel overwhelming.

Lack of interest in spouse/family. You could suddenly lose sexual interest in your spouse or general interest in your family life. The lack of sexual interest could also signal the presence of another woman or insecurity with regards to sexual performance. Lack of interest in sex could also be a sign of depression.

Change in social patterns. If you have always been a homebody and suddenly start going out to all sorts of pubs and clubs or starts having boys’ nights out for the first time, it’s midlife-crisis time. A change in social patterns usually signifies something significant’s happening.

Sudden increase in alcohol consumption. If you suddenly start drinking heavily, you could be harking back to your youth, or the increased drinking could be a reflection of where you are hanging out and with whom. You could also be stressed out or depressed, which could lead to the increased alcohol consumption.

Sudden impulsive decisions. These are a hallmark of the midlife crisis. Sudden and life-changing decisions are made, such as resigning your job, emigrating, selling the house, asking for a divorce, etc.

No you should not contact the “other person”

We had another determined client who insisted on confronting the “other person” after our spousal surveillance revealed an affair on the part of her spouse. We were able to positively identify who the other woman is and reported this back to our client. Unfortunately, our client insisted on learning everything possible about this other woman despite our urging that she NOT do this and our unwillingness to give her the woman’s personal information. Instead, she did her own detective work and then began calling this woman at home and at work asking her over and over again “why” she did this. Although on some level we can appreciate that it would likely feel good, this is NOT acceptable behavior and if you really think about it, nothing good is going to come of it. In this case, nothing good came to our former client. Instead, she got served with a personal protection order and civil law suit for harassment. Word to the wise, take control of your life and know the truth, but avoid the conflict.

Can a marriage be fixed after infidelity

Although we are not counselors, we do hear a great deal about real cases of infidelity everyday, and based on those cases, we would have to say, yes they can be fixed. Obviously, the first step is to get the truth. Your spouse, for many reasons, will lie to you, often they try and lie even after proof is shown to them. Once you get proof, you need to decide if you want to keep the relationship alive and for the right reasons. At this point we would advise that you get some professional help either from your church or community services or from a marriage counselor to help you to determine how to move forward.

Can a marriage be fixed after infidelity


Keeping a Journal About Suspected Affair

If you are one of many that have a hunch of a suspected affair, one of the best ways to help you determine if your partner is engaged in an affair is to keep a DAILY journal of their activities. If he or she left an hour early for work, did errands they typically never do (like stopped at the grocery store), bought new clothes, put on sexy underwear. Things like car mileage being 30 miles more than just work and back, a 40-minute trip to the store at 9:40 at night… just to get milk, stayed up on the computer after you went to sleep, and the list goes on. Do this for a week or two and try to be as impartial and unemotional as possible. By keeping a journal about suspected affair activity, you will get some real information to reflect on. Once you see this, it can really help you piece together if something is going on or not.



Officials close down China’s first female detective agency

Sunday, Jan 09, 2005,Page 5

China’s first all-female detective agency has been closed following allegations it broke the law and overstepped the scope of its powers, an official at the center said yesterday.
The Women’s Rights Protection Investigation Center was accused of “violating regulators procedures,” an advisor at the center surnamed Zhou said.

“The local government said that the center was not in compliance with the law, so we are now in cooperation with the local government,” Zhou said.

People had also complained to the local government about the center’s efforts to catch cheating husbands, a local newspaper said. There have also been claims that it “intruded on marriage privacy” and charged excessive rates.

Based in the southwestern city of Chengdu, the center provided counselling to victims of domestic violence and failed marriages as well as helping women collect evidence against their philandering spouses.

It was open for less than a year and in November won approval to set up a similar outfit in Shanghai.

Zhou said that the center was only engaged in providing consultation and marriage counselling for its customers and was never involved in any investigations.

“There are just a few irregularities,” Zhou said.

If the complaints are proven to be true, “then the center will have broken laws by infringing on citizens’ privacy,” an official with the local government was quoted as saying by Tianfu Morning Post.

“For such an offense, a company could be fined as much as 100,000 yuan (US$12,000),” the unnamed official said.

Despite a very murky legal status private investigators have thrived in China, and more that 1,000 small private-eye outfits have sprouted around the country in the past three years, according to unofficial statistics.

Many of the 25 female detectives working at the center suffered personal pain in relationships and the agency soon proved its effectiveness at sleuthing, even putting one man behind bars.

“They believed they were doing something good for society and therefore neglected the registration procedures,” a staff member said.

China’s marriage law allows a party seeking divorce monetary compensation if there is enough evidence of infidelity or other wrong such as abuse, but such evidence is often difficult to collect.